Sight Of The Sun
by goldsworthys
Summary: As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him. /COLLAB WITH 0ceanship/
1. new sheets

**A/N**: Yes...yes I am starting a new fanfiction before I finish Celestica... am I proud of this? No... but I do love this fic with all of my little heart. Hello Degrassians I bring to you a brand new fic written by my very good friend Emma (0ceanship) and I! This is just the first chapter of a multi-chapter fic that is sure to tug on your little heartstrings. Before you begin, let me begin by saying Emma and I are working sooo hard on this fic and we'd love your feedback. This story is AU and Eli would be in grade 12 (Adam and Clare in grade 11). I'd like to say this is more of an Eli-centered fic more than eclare, but it _is _an eclare fic - don't worry about that. Eli and Adam are cousins (making CeCe and Audra sisters). I think that these are all of the important details I should give you. Okay, enjoy. Love you guys. And yes, soon I will finish Celestica once I get over this writers block for it.

**Rating**: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer**: We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Sun_ by FUN.

**Summary**:_ As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him._

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_"For once, there is nothing up my sleeve. Just some scars from a life that used to trouble me. I used to run at first sight of the sun; now I lay here waiting for you to wake up." _**Sight Of The Sun | FUN.**

It is said that every man has his own secret sorrows, that all people harbor an anchor inside of them, yanking on their heart.

Sometimes these anchors, these weights, they are lesser, they're an occasional reminder, a gloomy disposition for a week or two.

But others aren't just burdens, they don't sit on your mind picking at your thoughts, they consume you. Everything you've enjoyed has been soiled by the inevitable pain taking control of your form.

The things you love become the things you're expected to love, and then everything else just sort of stops. Like time is moving really slowly, and all you can do is watch.

He was familiar with agony, for he'd faced it again and again, all too much for a boy his age.

He knew how it felt to be at your wits end, to be begging for your heart to stop its needless beating.

His eyes scanned the last box of his, giving his room a final, farewell glance before taking the remainders of his things in his arms and hurrying to the car.

It wasn't that he didn't love the four-walled box he'd called home, he grew up there, it was everything he knew, but when things started getting bad, just before they'd gotten worse, he couldn't seem to become attached anymore.

Inside the car, his mother, a once eccentric blonde shot her son a smile, if you could even call it that. The corners of her mouth had curled upward, but her eyes were lifeless, staring at him but not really seeing him.

She would never admit it, but he knew she couldn't look at him the same when he resembled his father so much.

"_Elijah," His dad would say with a hearty chuckle, looking off into the kitchen at his wife, an expression of adoration displayed across his manly features, "If you're ever lucky enough to find yourself a woman, make sure you never let her go." _

He shut his eyes tight at the fond memory of his father, a man that was far too loving for any human being.

He supposed he was just _too _good.

Letting out a shaking breath, he looked back up to his mother who'd been gazing tiredly at the radio, not quite bothering to turn it on, but surely thinking of something to torture herself further, because sorrow has to make itself known that it's there, and memories are it's only way of creeping back inside.

Her pain was written all over, the way she spoke, how she dressed, everything was crumbling from the inside-out, but she had obviously decided to keep going, and Eli had made the conscious decision to help her in whatever way he could.

Her pain was visible, but not like her son's, for when Eli had tried to move past his demons, he was only reminded of them by the marks on his skin and the tugging on his heart.

He loaded the last box into the trunk of the car, shutting it until he heard the click. The trunk was absolutely filled to the brim with boxes, anything in the house that Eli could fit into a confined cardboard compartment was now shoved in the back of their car, and though it seemed excessive at the time, he knew it'd be best when they became settled.

He opened the passenger side door, frowning a bit as he noticed his mother had been crying again, small tears slipping down her pale cheeks. "Hey mom, why don't I drive?" Eli offered, and the woman couldn't quite turn him down, unbuckling and switching sides with her son.

CeCe had been silent mostly since Bullfrog had… _passed. _They were still unsure how to say what they wanted to say without it all sounding so deadly and unbearable to the tongue. Eli would often say in his head that his father was just gone temporarily, though he knew that wasn't the case. CeCe on the other hand kept everything bottled up and hidden on a shelf in the back of her minds basement.

"Things will get better, mom." Eli tried to tell her. Though he honestly didn't believe any of it himself, he felt that with his father gone it was his duty to take care of his mother. "Things always get better, you know? Aunt Audra is going to take care of you and me until things are good with us." He didn't expect her to say anything back. She didn't.

The drive from Ottawa to Toronto was roughly four hours, depending on traffic. Eli and his mother had spent the whole day sleeping so they could take the night route, hoping that it would be easier on the two of them. It wasn't for CeCe, who passed out an hour of the way into it. For Eli though, it was a much different story. Without Bullfrog around, Eli wasn't sleeping as regularly as a teenage boy should. Hell, he was hardly sleeping at all. There were no late night electric guitar rockouts or Bullfrog's full blown laugh to lull him to sleep anymore – just distant memories that haunted him far more than he would like.

They arrived at Eli's cousin's house around four in the morning. Eli didn't know his cousins very much, and honestly if it weren't for every two years they would have family reunions, he was sure he wouldn't remember their names. It was CeCe's older sister, Audra, who agreed to take the two of them in until they had stabilized themselves, got back on their two feet. Eli was sure that this was all bullshit, and that nothing would ever go back to the way it should be, but he always put on a happy face for his mother. _DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS_. He would tell himself. _SHOW IT TO THE CUTS ON YOUR WRISTS AND THE NIGHTMARES AT LEAST. _

When they got there, Eli wasn't sure what to do. He barely touched his mom and told her that they were there. He had to go knock on the door, and he didn't know why it scared him so much. Audra had left the porch light on for them and if Eli looked closely he could see that the front light in the living room was shining, trying to bring some form of welcoming atmosphere. He knocked softly on the big red door with the two small windows and microscopic peep hole. And when Aunt Audra answered, a gloomy smile appeared on her lips.

"Eli, it's good to see you." She was lying. He had a thing for telling when people were lying.

"I left CeCe in the car." Eli nodded his shoulder back to the car sitting in the driveway. "She's just waking up. I'll go carry our things inside."

"I'll wake up Drew and Adam, they'll help you." She scurried back inside, first up the stairs and then down to what looked like a basement. He hoped that if he was staying anywhere, it would be in the basement.

It wasn't.

Eli had to stay in a cramped bedroom on an air mattress with his younger transgender cousin Adam. Apparently Drew had said under wraps that he didn't want to stay with a 'suicidal, depressed emo kid.' Eli didn't know this, but Adam did. You could tell that Adam and Drew were pissed to have to wake up so early and to carry boxes of nearly worthless things in their hands up to the guest room that they had set up for CeCe. Eli was jealous – but only a little.

Everyone knew that they wouldn't be going back to bed after this. Adam pretended like he was going to try, but when Eli followed him up the stairs and started to rearrange some of his stuff, he woke up again and said something along the lines of:

"Hey dude – do you like video games?"

This resulted in an all-out war of Atari. And while mentally Eli was still grieving in every way possible, this took his mind off of the sadness suppressing him so badly. For a few minutes, at least.

Downstairs, Audra and CeCe were having a heart-to-heart sister conversation. You know, the ones you see in Hallmark movies.

In the basement, Drew was making out with his girlfriend he had snuck in _hours _ago. Hell, when Audra 'woke him up' he was hardly sleeping at all.

Eli really didn't know Drew at all, he was more of a figure to him. What a teenage boy is supposed to be. He wondered if that should bother him, that he was nothing like his cousin, the seamless model of an imperfect, rule-breaking, sex-obsessed, regular teenage boy.

Adam, on the other hand, he was different. They'd always gotten along when they were kids, when Adam had been dealing with deciding who he really was, shedding from the expectations of his parents.

Though, as time went on, Eli found it difficult to get along with anyone; especially himself, as made obvious by the scars decorating his skin in an unruly fashion.

Adam liked to talk, or at least that's how it seemed. Perhaps it was just words to fill the silence that Eli carried with him.

"That sucks, about your dad…I'm really sorry, man." Adam had a certain positivity about him, the kind that made him approachable, easy to talk to, but not even that was enough to string any sort of emotion out of Eli. He gave him the usual response.

The set of words that now slipped from his lips naturally felt so familiar to say, "It's all right, thank you," and Adam only nodded accordingly.

Friends of his mother had said Eli wasn't 'giving himself a chance to _feel_' when she'd inquired them about his apathy long before the passing of his father.

He wasn't always this way, not to him anyway. He has vague memories of listening to music happily with his father, helping Cece cook in their tiny kitchen.

Eli certainly remembers the moments with Julia, meeting the raven-haired girl at thirteen and believing it was love. And though it wasn't at first, it certainly did grow to be.

He flinched slightly at the foggy recollection of what used to be, letting the painful memories slip from his thoughts like he usually did.

Glancing toward the boxes that began to tower around _their_ room, Eli wondered for a moment if Adam was going to stay as he unpacked, he wondered if Audra had put him on suicide-watch, ordering her son to keep an eye on him and hold him back if he decided to jump out the nearest window.

He wasn't always treated this way, no, usually his long-sleeve shirts and jeans were able to cover the marks, but after Cece found her husband's handgun beneath Eli's bed, she began to question, and his antics became a little less of a secret.

He'd been planning it for months, already having written out the notes he'd leave his family, and the few friends he'd have, he'd even sprung to write one for Julia, though she'd never be able to read it.

He listed that he was sorry for being the way that he is, that he hoped they wouldn't cry for him. Those notes rested inside of a book stowed away in one of the many boxes in front of him.

_It was a rainy Sunday when 16 year old Eli Goldsworthy held his father's gun to his head, shutting his eyes and counting backwards from ten as his finger pressed on the trigger. He flinched, dropping to his knees at the realization that nothing had happened. _

_He was still there._

_Shaken, he threw the gun beneath his bed, not expecting his father to need it anytime soon, and certainly not expecting his mother to clean out his room the next day while he was at school._

_She and his father were at the door when he arrived home, tears in their eyes and the weapon in his mother's hands. _

"_You've been acting so strange…we know things have been hard for you, baby boy, but…please tell me you weren't going to kill yourself." Cece sobbed, leaning into Bullfrog's shoulder. _

_His father gave him a look, and Eli spoke up._

"_I can't."_

Adam shot Eli a look, laughing a bit as he shoved the boy's shoulder playfully. "Dude, are you gonna get started or are you just gonna stand there?"

Eli feigned a small smile, shaking his head a bit, "Right, yeah."

He hung his clothes in the closet next to Adam's, and folded his pajamas neatly in the much smaller dresser that sat just beside his air mattress. He kept his books in their box, finding that there was no room in Adam's bookcase stocked full of video games.

"I can take some of these out if you want…" Adam offered, though his words denied his actions, brushing the invisible dust off of the pristine cases. Eli thanked him but shook his head, making some joke that he '_Wouldn't dare mess with the feng shui of the room'._ The boy only laughed, shaking his head and calling his cousin an asshole as he left the room.

Once everything was unpacked and he was seemingly 'at-home', Eli glanced around the room, letting out a long breath. But it didn't really feel at home. Without Bullfrog around, would anything feel like home anymore? Even when Eli and his mother would move into their own home, would things feel like home? He really didn't think that they would.

His first day in Toronto went by smoothly. He and CeCe went down to the public school that Adam was attending and signed him up for his classes. _Trig. European History. Advanced Prep English. French. Economics. Anatomy. Study Hall. _Everything seemed so organized and bland for his senior year, and this was exactly how he wanted it. Something he could just breeze through, graduate, and somehow move on through life.

When Adam came home from school with Drew, they were both arguing over homework and television and other brotherly things. He wondered what it would have been like if he had grown up with a brother. Or if he had grown up with a sister that was never really a sister at all. Eli had always been an only child, probably because Bullfrog would constantly make comments that Eli was too much to handle. He probably was. That was probably why Bullfrog wasn't around anymore; he was just too much to handle.

Apparently the Torres family ate dinner at the table every night, but Eli came up with some excuse that he didn't feel well so that he could skip it. Everyone allowed him to. They all saw the reflection of misery in him that they all saw in CeCe. Or maybe it was just that nobody wanted to mess with sadness.

Adam came in around seven-thirty, finding Eli reading _Great Expectations _and what looked like glimmers of tears in his eyes. Yeah, Adam was sympathetic for his cousin, but he just never really dealt well with death. Or other people crying. When his best friends' parents were getting divorced, he was the worst at comforting her. _Let me buy you some French fries. There's a new Jim Carrey movie coming out? Oh come on, you know I'm bad with criers. _Adam Torres was a wreck when it came to people with feelings.

Eli didn't know who Adam was talking to, but he was babbling on into his cell phone like his life depended on it. He figured it was some kind of girlfriend or something. And he was a little bit proud for his cousin – but he never spoke up about this newfound proudness that sat awkwardly in the pit of his stomach.

"Yeah, my rooms kind of a mess now." Adam muttered… he was starting to walk out the bedroom door, keeping his voice down. But honestly not down enough. "Seriously, Clare, he's a mess. He was crying while reading _Great Expectations_… yeah, I get that the book is sad at some parts but guys don't…cry. We don't want to show weakness… Clare, if you saw him you'd get what I mean; he's like some sort of gothic prince…"

Eli shifted uncomfortably in his spot on the air mattress. Stuff like this happened to him a lot. When his girlfriend had died, he had heard countless phone conversations between CeCe and her girlfriends gossiping about how Eli hardly left the house anymore. How Eli hardly ate anymore. How Eli hardly liked to do anything besides watch _Dateline_ anymore. He was a newsie.

_"Honestly, Abby, if you saw the way he looks at things anymore, it'd haunt you. He rarely comes out of his bedroom and when he does, it's to go to the bathroom. I'm worried about him… I'm worried he'll pull some kind of stunt... yes, like kill himself, Abby."_

_CeCe was always right about this kind of stuff. She spotted it from miles away but never approached it directly in fear that she might be wrong. But she wasn't wrong. He was in his room right then, writing up the goodbye notices to everyone that actually mattered anymore. But nobody really did. _

_CeCe and Bullfrog.  
I'm really sorry. And I love you. But I can't try anymore. It's not your faults and never think it was or is or anything like that. It's me it's just me it's always me. I am worthless. I am miserable. I am nothing. I'm barely a son anymore. I love you and thank you.  
-Eli_

_She wouldn't have to gossip on the phone about him anymore. Because he wouldn't be around to talk about. _

"Hey, dude." The door swung open, revealing a glassy green eyed boy staring off at the book turned over in his lap. A book that Adam was sure was filled with the literary works of Charles Dickens, and certainly not the chicken-scratched goodbyes he'd planned to leave his parents. Adam had the cell phone pressed up to his chest and a quirky look on his face. "Uh, my mom made ants on a log… I don't know if you like that shit but it's healthy and your mom told me to ask if you wanted any."

Eli shook his head. "I'm okay."

"Suit yourself, man. They're fuckin' delicious –" He suddenly brought the phone up to his ear. "I said freaking delicious!_ FREAKING_ DELICIOUS, CLARE!"

Eli listened halfheartedly as Adam's voice became quieter and quieter. Closing his eyes, he yearned for the feeling of a good night's rest. Something he hadn't experienced in a very long time.

But the longer he sat in silence the louder the memories became, replaying in his head over and over again without his permission.

He glanced toward the small dresser just next to his temporary bed and let out a breath of exhaustion at the three pill bottles seemingly staring him right in the face, begging him to give in to the medicated peace. Rolling over to lay on his back, his eyes found solace in staring at the plain white ceiling.

He could think of the dozens of times he and Julia had laid beside each other, playing short rounds of whispered 'truth-or-dare' until they'd get caught up in a heated embrace. Well, as heated as it got for two 15 year olds.

He could recall her funeral as well, and how the room was decorated in her favorite shade of blue, how her best-friend bravely stepped up to the podium and spoke so fondly of the girl she'd once known. He was never that brave.

Julia was like a dream to him, a dream that he'd been so lucky to experience over and over again. He loved her with everything he had, even in his darkest times of an unknown sadness, she was there, and she'd say to him. _"You may be a mess, but you're my favorite mess of all." _And he'd smile and they'd kiss and everything would feel right.

Her death shattered him in ways he could only express after much intensive therapy and downing 3 pills a day. After a while he learned that he couldn't bring her back.

She was gone and he was numb.

And as if it was a sick punishment for his indifference, life took his father away as well.

After what seemed to be an hour or two of what Eli assumed was 'family bonding', Adam came strolling into their room once more, and he was a bit shocked to find that he was still on the phone with this Clare character, though they were saying their goodbyes.

"Yeah I know, I'll see you tomorrow, okay? Cool." Adam let out a sharp breath as he tossed his phone onto his bed, giving his cousin an acknowledging nod as he took a seat on his mattress.

Eli turned around to sit on the edge of his "bed", so the two were facing each other.

"Girlfriend?" He spoke up, glancing toward Adam's phone that laid just next to his leg. He laughed a bit, shaking his head as if Eli was supposed to have already known this information.

"What, Clare? No. Ew." He explained, and Eli rose his eyebrows in confusion. "Well…not ew. She's not my type." Adam continued, and Eli only nodded in understanding.

"I'll introduce her to you tomorrow."

"Alright."

"You don't say a whole lot, do you?"

"Not a lot to say."

Adam seemed to understand, crawling into his bed and turning out the light on his nightstand, leaving them alone in the dark with an awkward cloud hanging over the two cousins. Though it didn't last very long, for within minutes of the light going out, he heard Adam's light breathing begin to fill the room, and Eli sat in jealousy, wondering how he could make it seem so easy.

Laying down on his back again, Eli tried his breathing exercises, but the more he practiced the more evident it became that he wouldn't be sleeping anytime soon, that he'd be staying up all night alone with his thoughts and the mere thought had his anxiety through the roof.

School wouldn't be an issue, he was good at school. He got the work, he finished it, and he turned it in. He certainly wouldn't be valedictorian, but he got by pretty easily.

No, that wasn't a problem, but the voices certainly were. Every time he closed his eyes he saw a million flashing images of his father, of Julia, of the scars on his body.

"_You're going to get better and I'm gonna' be there to make sure you do." Bullfrog encouraged, patting his son's back with his large hand._

"_I love you quite a bit, Goldsworthy." Julia's voice echoed, pulling him in for a quick embrace._

The voices were closing in around him, and the dark emptiness he felt throughout the day was replaced with frantic memories, sending his heart beating at an uncontrollable rate.

His breathing became labored, and he covered his eyes tightly with the palms of his hands, wishing the monsters in his head would wither as quickly as his sanity did.

His heart ached for the sadistic bliss of a blade on his skin, and he wanted nothing more than to slip into the bathroom and give in, but with Cece on edge, he knew he couldn't risk putting her through any more potential turmoil.

In an attempt to shake off the nightmares that haunted him before he had even fallen asleep, he pushed the blankets off of him and stood to his feet. Adam was passed out completely, turned up towards the ceiling, his mouth hanging open like a fish. Eli wanted to laugh, he really did. It was funny, and if he was in his right mind he was sure he would have pulled out his cell phone and taken a few pictures.

Eli tip-toed out of the bedroom and down the hallway to the staircase that was dimly lit with the lights from the kitchen. He assumed it would be Drew trying to sneak one of his dad's beers from the refrigerator, but was surprised to find his mother sitting dismally at the kitchen staring out the front kitchen window like something would change. Like before her eyes the night would turn to day or the ghost of her husband would appear and somehow tell her how to fix everything.

"Mom?" Eli whispered, not wanting to wake anyone else in the house up. CeCe slowly turned her head, meeting Eli with sad eyes. "Mom, let me help you get to bed. It's late. It's been a long day."

Things like this had happened many times before, when they lived in their old house, and Eli would find his mother curled up in a ball on the sofa, making silent sobs and letting tears loose that Eli should have been crying. He would help her into bed, tuck her in, tell her he loved her – things he hoped would cheer her up and mend the broken heart she would probably be stuck with for the rest of her life.

"Baby boy," CeCe started…her voice sounded so broken and emotional, "what would I do without you?"

His stomach turned into knots at her muttered unanswerable question. It was when she said things like these that he regretted his battered wrists and suicidal thoughts. Because he really had no idea what at all she would do without him… would she try to get rid of herself, too? Without her husband and her son, it was like things couldn't get any worse.

When Eli was younger, he had seen the ups and downs of his mother. She'd been an alcoholic when he was growing up, and it was often that he would find his mother passed out on the couch with a bottle of something on the table. When he was fourteen or fifteen, though, she'd sworn to hang up her old habits and move forward. Eli had figured that Bullfrog and CeCe had some sort of deep personal talk about how they thought it was ruining their son… he was probably right. CeCe went to AA meetings, they got rid of anything alcoholic, and CeCe had been clean ever since. But with Bullfrog gone, Eli wondered how long it would be until his mother would cave and have a drink or two or three or nine. Everything was in shambles with his father gone.

Eli tucked his mother into her bed and told her that he loved her. He always did this, and though she never thanked him for it, he knew deep down that she was _beyond _thankful for what he did. He wondered how long he'd be doing these things for her… it didn't matter, of course – he'd stay around forever if she asked him to. But he did have dreams, of course. Well, dreams he had yet to find yet. He honestly had no idea what he wanted to do with himself…just that he wanted to do… something?

"Are you going to be okay, mom?" Eli whispered. He knew the answer.

"I'll be okay, Eli. You go on up to bed."

"I can always sleep here with you… if you want."

Of course, he was offering more for his own benefit. For some reason, in the back of his mind he had this switch that would turn on and he'd turn out like a little kid again. Scared of the dark. And he'd need to crawl into bed beside his parents for the real safety that they somehow provided. Safe from the monsters.

Cece already appeared to be half asleep, but he assumed she knew what he was implying and she nodded her head slowly, lifting the covers on the opposite side of her bed for him to crawl under like he was six years old and hiding from the boogeyman.

The sheets were soft and inviting and Eli was convinced if he was anyone else he'd be asleep within moments, but when he shut his eyes tight he wasn't met with the serenity of sweet dreams but the shrill voices of the ones who'd left him.

It was only minutes before his mother had fallen asleep and Eli lied awake, allowing himself to drift for a couple of minutes here and there before his body would awake with a harsh jolt to remind him that he was alive, leaving him alone and sad and utterly disappointed.

And so he waited, just as he always did.

He waited for the sun to peak through the sliver of window neglected by the curtain, and he waited for the screams in his head to dim to whispers.

And it was then that Eli realized that it would always be this way.

Never hoping, never expecting, but always waiting.


	2. new school

**A/N**: hi I'm gonna keep this short because who reads authors notes am I right hahaha *wipes forehead* ok I'm Emma and I'm super excited to be writing this because this fic is my baby. I'd been wanting to write it for a while but I didn't know how to start it or if I'd be able to finish it, and then Becca suggested we write a fic together and I threw it out there and well voila. So, a massive thank you to Becca for helping make this happen. you da bomb. Anyway thanks so much for reading/commenting/favoriting, it really means a lot and I hope you stick around because it's gonna get real. Also, we'll be updating probably every Sunday, but honestly it all depends on the feedback we get from you guys so if you've got the time please review. Thanks again and enjoy! ALSO, hello people this is becca for a moment. i don't know if you knew this but I am review thirsty (aka hungry like the wolf to know what you guys think about this fic) so i'm going to be a dick and request at least **10 **reviews per chapter before we update. like, c'mon, that isn't even too much to ask for, is it? for a fic so great as this? both emma and i wanna know exactly what you think about this motha fricken fic okay? okay.

**Rating**: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer**: We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Sun_ by FUN.

**Summary**:_ As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him._

* * *

_"I can't erase it from my mind. I just replay it, over, think of it all the time."_ ** Love || Daughter**

Eli Goldsworthy was very good at school. He always was, and he was grateful that this was one of his strong suits… considering when he looked over himself, he couldn't find many. When Julia had died, school was the only thing Eli fell back on to keep his mind busy. Like the new things he would be taught would take place of all the memories he would share with Julia. So maybe he wouldn't have to hurt anymore. But unfortunately, that's not how the mind works.

"How come Drew gets money to buy lunch and I get a stupid ham sandwich?" Adam whined.

"How come you're such a god damn complainer?" Drew shot back.

"Andrew! Watch your mouth." Audra snapped. She reluctantly reached into her wallet and pulled out a ten dollar bill, passing it Adam's way and rolling her eyes as she did so. Adam merely smiled in thanks, and shoved the cash into his pocket, the edges of the bill springing out of his pocket to say _hey, it'd be fairly easy to steal me – give it your best shot._

Eli merely watched the hustle and bustle of the Torres family on a school morning. He hadn't witnessed it the day before, when they had first showed up. Probably because both of the boys were too tired to give any form of effort the previous morning. CeCe handed him a crisp five dollar bill, telling him that he could buy himself a sandwich and a soda.

"Thanks, mom." Eli said quietly. But he knew he probably would find him picking at a sandwich and pouring out his soda by the end of the lunch period. Though Eli was slightly against it, the boys had to take the bus to school. Eli had never taken a bus before. When they lived in Ottawa, Eli had his own car. But to pay for his father's medical bills, he had to sell it. It was a really great car, too. He had a lot of really great sex in that car that went unmentioned.

There was a bus stop at the end of the block where everyone met. Adam had originally been keeping Eli company at the stop, shaking his head a bit as he watched his brother drift to the opposite end. The two boys stood uneasily next to each other with their hands shoved into their pockets and stares that went in opposite directions. Before they had left that morning, Audra had pulled her son aside and whispered to him:

"You keep an eye on your cousin, okay? Your aunt and I are really worried about him and he needs somebody. Don't just let him wander around Degrassi without you. Got it?"

And Adam really didn't mean to ignore Eli once his best friend popped up around the corner and the two of them started laughing and sharing jokes that didn't make any sense to Eli. He stared at this friend of Adam's. She had shoulder length curly hair and blue eyes. She was wearing a floral dress and draped over her shoulder was a messenger bag that he assumed was full of her books – except for one of them, a French book, which was held tightly to her chest. He studied her features, noting a pretty smile that would curl onto her lips every now and again. He then was stuck on her eyes, quickly coming to the realization that their icy-blue color was something very difficult to look away from.

"Eli, this is Clare, and Clare, this is Eli." Adam announced with a goofy grin, putting a hand on each of their shoulders.

"It's great to meet you." The girl said softly, and Eli was intrigued by the way she held out her hand for a formal handshake, one he awkwardly contributed to.

"A handshake, Clare. Really? It's a friendly introduction not a business meeting for Christ's sake."

She slapped his shoulder playfully, and mumbled something about using the Lord's name in vain, only leading Adam on to tease her further.

Eli didn't mind it when Adam sat with his friend on the bus. He sat by himself until they got to the next stop and a short girl with blonde hair plopped herself next to him, the whole bus ride she was turned around in the seat whispering to her two friends about some boy named Zig Novak and how he was _DROP. DEAD. SEXY!_

Eli still didn't mind it when Adam sort of abandoned him at school. Though it wasn't like he had a choice. With the help of the principle, Mr. Simpson, Eli located his first class of the day European History and found himself bored with what he was learning – the midst of the French Revolution. Something Eli had gone over last semester at his old school.

The class went by quickly and since he'd already met this teacher the previous day, he wasn't stuck in any awkward introductions in front of the classroom, and for that Eli couldn't have been more grateful.

He managed to get to his next class on his own, though he was ten minutes late and a little out of breath. "Class, this is our new student, Eli Goldsworthy." She stated simply, and Eli was once again very appreciative that he wasn't subjected to an awkward 'tell-us-something-about-yourself' ordeal.

Ms. Dawes sat him in the front row next to a girl with pig-tails in her hair and large square glasses, she wore a lot of different colors and a headband with cat-ears in her hair.

"Hello Eli Goldsworthy!" She whispered excitedly, leaning in closer to him with a big smile on her face.

Eli nodded in response, hoping she wouldn't find him rude but not really in the mood for conversation.

"I'm Imogen. Imogen Moreno." She stated proudly, holding up one of her bright pink notebooks with her name sprawled across in girly handwriting as if to prove she was telling the truth. Eli gave her a small smile, nodding once more before turning back to the front of the classroom.

English was a class he excelled in, he wasn't sure what it was but working with words came naturally to him, they always had.

The majority of the class was spent working with metaphor, and Eli found himself a little lost in her lecture, making a quick set of notes to keep himself busy.

As the class came to its end, he slowly gathered his things together, checking his schedule for the umpteenth time just to be sure he'd be going to the right place.

"Do you need help with anything?" A voice spoke up, and upon raising his head from his paper he noticed Imogen staring back at him. Her voice was kind but it reminded him of a child's, and he wondered if she really spoke like that or if she was doing it because she thought he'd think it was _cute_.

"No, but thank you. It was nice meeting you." He mumbled softly, slipping past her and out of the classroom.

With sheer luck, he was able to locate his next class, and he was a little relieved that no one in the room attempted to spark up conversation. Not that they would have been able to with Madame Jean-Aux keeping a close eye on all of her French 4 students.

She didn't allow any English in the room, which Eli found refreshing, and the homework she assigned for the night was a worksheet Eli could clearly remember doing before, but he didn't bother to admit it.

Lunch finally rolled around, and Eli began to drag himself to his locker, looking back at the little slip of paper every couple of minutes to figure out where he was going. Once he arrived, it only took him a couple of tries before the combination worked, and he switched his books according to his next couple classes.

He enjoyed things this way, simple, boring, always a routine to follow. When he kept himself small he could avoid the things much bigger that lived inside of his head.

Adam had told him earlier where he and Clare spent their lunch, but after about five minutes of search, he gave up, buying a water bottle from the vending machine and sitting up against the nearest empty wall. Students passed him, some would look his way but he was comforted to know that none cared enough to introduce themselves.

Taking a sip of his water, his eyes searched the halls, and his earlier suspicion that Imogen Moreno had a crush on him was quickly proven inaccurate when he saw her lip-locked with a much taller girl up against a locker.

He was soon engulfed in Chuck Palahniuk's book _Diary_, a piece of literature he had read time and time again, but it never seemed to grow old to him. _"It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace,"_ he read, and he sighed sadly at the truth of it all. He could remember the good times he'd spent with his father, with Julia, but it was the things that hurt that were engraved in his heart, and in his mind.

"There you are!" He heard a female voice call out, and assuming it must have been an exchange between two friends very close to him, he didn't bother to look up.

"We've been looking for you." The voice said again, and this time he put his book down to check, finding Clare Edwards standing before him with that smile on her face. That interesting smile that made him want to look again.

"What?" He spoke up softly, and Clare only rolled her eyes, looking around the corner to call for Adam.

"I found him!" She said loudly before taking a seat very close to Eli, smoothing her dress down.

He wasn't sure how he felt about the way she treated him like they'd been friends forever when he'd only met her a few hours earlier, with very minimal conversation.

"What the hell, man? I told you where we sit." Adam said as he turned the corner, a tray in his hands as he sat opposite of Clare, scooting over a bit so that he and Eli weren't quite as close.

"I couldn't find it."

Adam shook his head before digging into a slice of pizza and getting grease all over his chipmunk like cheeks. "For fucks sake, Eli, how hard is it to find the third table to the right in the very back?" Adam was clearly joking, but Eli only shrugged in return.

"Adam, you know what I say about cursing." Clare scoffed.

Mouth full of pizza, Adam said: "Clare says that swearing makes you look cheap."

"It does make you look cheap." Eli agreed. He quickly dog-eared the page he had been on and tucked the book away into his backpack. When he looked up, he could see Clare watching as he slipped it away. It looked as if she was about to say something, but Adam cut her off.

"Well, I don't care if it makes me look cheap. I'm gonna be a musician, so who gives a crap if I'm swearing a lot? All good musicians swear." Adam's logic was definitely off by a long shot, but Eli wasn't about to start arguing with him – and neither was Clare.

The rest of the lunch was mostly Clare and Adam rambling on with each other, seemingly enjoying quite a banter that was almost as if it was scripted. Eli had never actually encountered two people that were so unreal like this. They threw back quirky comments and made jokes that he was amazed this girl who disapproved of swearing would know. They talked and talked, and at one point Eli wished he could just open up his book again without being rude. He was definitely aloof, but not rude enough to act as if he wasn't listening.

"The other day, Drew was trying to sneak Bianca in through the back door of the basement, you know, the sliding glass windows and the curtains with the purple flowers?" Adam began another story, and Clare nodded in recollection. "Okay, well, before you can open the back door you have to punch in some numbers on the key pad so that the alarms won't go off. So I guess Drew was like, a horny mess because he forgot to put in the numbers and he tripped the security system and when we went downstairs to see what was going on, he had like, a raging hard-on and he looked so scared he was going to cry. It was fucking _hilarious._"

This was the first time all lunch period that Eli had even bothered to crack a smile. Of course sometimes he had found a few of the things Adam had been saying to be humorous, but this had been the first time he'd shown any interest to it.

"Did your mom figure out it was Bianca?" Clare asked. Her cheeks were bright red from laughing.

"Nope. She honestly saw Drew's boxers and told him she didn't want to know and went back upstairs."

Eli snorted. And when he did, Clare's eyes flickered to the boy sporting a smirk and giving the ground a subtle eye-roll.

"Woah, Adam," Clare raised her hand to point at Eli, "he smiles! I wasn't sure if he did but he totally does!" Eli looked up at her, almost confused but as he realized what she was hinting at, a sheepish sort of smile curled up onto his lips. "It's nice, by the way. You should smile more."

"Yeah, yeah, we get it – Eli's gorgeous." Adam rolled his eyes, jokingly elbowing his cousin a little bit.

The rest of his classes were a mostly a blur. He recognized a few of the faces from his earlier classes. The girl who had been kissing Imogen, a boy with dirty blonde hair and clad in plaid, and a slightly largish boy whose laugh almost reminded him of his fathers. Just almost.

They took the same bus ride home – minus Drew, who had to stay later for football practice – and Eli sat with the same awkward blonde girl and her friends. He had the window seat, so it was easy to distract himself from their fast conversation. He suspected that the three of them were in grade nine, but didn't take the time to ask any of them.

The two boys arrived back at the house, and Eli was somewhat content with how well he'd been able to pull through the school day. He was hardly hearing voices when things got quiet, and he could hold a conversation if he absolutely had to.

Taking his bag, he made his way into the living room, deciding to start and finish all of the homework he'd been given, which unfortunately, wasn't nearly enough to keep him busy for the remainder of the evening.

He wished he could admit that his sorrow would allow him to sit by himself in his room and be satisfied, but it never really did. He couldn't be left alone to fight off the voices in his head, no, he had to find solace in the conversations around him.

Though there were times when he couldn't bare it anymore, listening to the mundane exchanges of meaningless words often grew very tiresome and he'd find himself walking away to run a shower or listen to his music.

He splayed his homework out on the coffee table in front of him, taking a seat on the large leather couch to start his first assignment. Leaning in, his boyish handwriting was sprawled across the paper. He wasn't sure what it was about schoolwork that put his mind to ease. He supposed it was because when given a problem like these, there was always a definite answer. No matter what, something is correct and something is incorrect, and the mere simplicity of it all made him somewhat envious of the familiar French worksheet.

He was just about to finish up when he heard a knock on the door, and considering Eli hadn't been staying at the Torres house for very long, he wasn't sure whether he should jump to answer it or not.

"Dude can you get that? I'll be down in a second!" Adam called out from upstairs, and Eli obliged, opening the door to reveal none other than Clare Edwards staring back at him.

"Oh, hey Eli." She said softly, and he wasn't quite sure why, but he had a hard time responding.

It wasn't that she made him _nervous_ so to speak, but Eli had gotten significantly worse at simple conversation since his extended period of near-silence. He tried a quiet 'hello' and she seemed satisfied but her eyes were glancing behind him as if urging him to invite her inside.

He wasn't quite sure if he could do that, yet.

_Baby steps, _he thought to himself.

"Is Adam here?"

"Yes."

"Can you give him this?"

"Yes."

_Smooth. _

Holding out his hand, he took the notebook from her, nodding in what he thought was a polite fashion as Clare thanked him.

"Is that Clare?" Adam asked as he hurried down the steps, opening the door wide and gesturing for her to come in.

"I was just returning your notebook. I must have grabbed it by accident." She explained casually, though Adam didn't appear to be having any of that.

Soon enough she was standing in their foyer, slipping off her pink flats and talking about how she hoped she wasn't interrupting anything.

Eli hoped he hadn't been the one to make her feel like she was an intrusion, he wanted to be like Adam, to be fun and to make people laugh.

He just couldn't.

"I'll go tell my mom you're staying for dinner."

Eli quickly retreated back to his spot in the living room, setting Adam's notebook down on the table before returning to the nearly finished History worksheet. With his cousin far off into the kitchen talking with Audra, Clare stood awkwardly next to the steps, and he knew it must've been him who made her act this way, considering he was sure she'd been here plenty of times before.

"You can sit over here if you want." He blurted out, not entirely sure why he said it or where it came from, but feeling somewhat anxious after doing so.

Clare's face took on a look of confusion, as if she was shocked that he'd speak to her, and that stung a bit.

She sat in a loveseat across the room from him, and he was somewhat thankful for that, knowing that the close she got, the more likely she'd want to spark up a long conversation as if they'd been best friends forever.

"I like _Diary_, too." She said suddenly, and Eli looked up from his now finished work, tilting his head to the side a bit.

"Pardon?" He spoke up, and he couldn't help but notice the faintest blush on her cheeks as she shook her head in a nervous motion.

"I – uh, I saw you reading _Diary_ earlier. By Palahniuk?"

Eli was not convinced, the girl sitting just a few feet away clad in a floral print dress and perfectly curled hair and a vendetta against impurity could _not_ have read _Diary _and actually enjoyed it.

She obviously sensed his doubt, and she began to speak again, "_You're always haunted by the idea you're wasting your life_."

His lips curled into a half-smile of sorts and he nodded at the quote, finding that one to be another very relatable statement and suddenly he wondered if she related to it to.

And he was confused by a sudden realization.

He _wondered._

For the first time in what felt like forever, Eli was _interested._ He wanted to know her favorite chapter, her favorite quote, how she felt about Palahniuk's use of motif. He wanted to have a conversation about this with her.

He just wasn't sure how.

"Dinner will be ready in five." Adam said as he turned the corner, hopping on the couch next to Eli and looking between the two. "I'm sorry, was there a moment here or something?" He teased, and Clare shot him a glare, shaking her head a bit as she stood up, gesturing for Adam to follow her.

"Come on, we should help your mom set the table."

"But _Claaaaare_ I just sat down!"

"Up." She ordered, though anyone could tell that her soft voice held no sort of authority.

"Women." Adam scoffed, following her into the kitchen.

Audra had made several servings of spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. She hadn't suspected that Clare was going to be staying for dinner (and honestly, under wraps she wondered if Eli was going to eat at all) but she had made just enough for tonight's dinner, and leftovers for tomorrow night. Everyone was at the dinner table – besides Drew, who was still at football practice, and Mr. Torres, who was hardly ever home due to business trips – and Eli couldn't remember the last time he had eaten a family dinner like this. Maybe back when Julia and Bullfrog were still around. Back when he could talk to girls without being afraid to use one too many syllables.

This one girl, though. She was strangely different.

The one that liked Palahniuk and said that he should smile more.

She was sitting directly across from him and he noted how she twirled her noodles onto her fork with the help of a spoon.

And how when Adam made a joke, she would always laugh. Even if the joke wasn't funny at all.

She was… she was _okay_.

They didn't say much to each other at all, but occasionally Eli would feel Clare switching the way her legs would rest and her feet would brush against each other's. She would always whisper _sorry _and Eli would always nod. This happened six or seven times.

Dinner was finished soon enough, and Adam walked Clare to the door. Eli thought about getting up to walk her as well, to tell her that _Invisible Monsters_ was his favorite with _Diary _at a close second, but he didn't. He just watched her leave, and when she waved to him on the way out, he smiled a little bit, and waved her goodbye too. The girl who was okay.

Eli went up to his bedroom, Adam following close behind. The two boys found themselves sitting in an awkwardish silence for what seemed like forever. Adam didn't say anything out loud, but he thought he might spontaneously combust if he didn't have a conversation with the kid, or a video game playing in the background or at least some kind of music. Even if Adam didn't like it.

"So, Clare's pretty cool, yeah?" Adam questioned. He reached into one of the dresser drawers beside his bed and pulled out a game controller while simultaneously turning on the television with the remote. He was done with the whole silence bullshit.

"Yeah, I guess." Eli shrugged. He was reading _Great Expectations _again. Adam wondered if he was going to cry again.

"Yeah, she comes over a lot so don't be surprised if she's over again tomorrow."

Eli glanced up from his book and turned to see Adam making faces at his game controller. Like, tongue stuck out and everything. "Oh, she's coming back?" Adam nodded.

"Her and I have been best friends since grade nine. Kind of feels like since kindergarten, though. Don't know, just know how it feels. Do you have any friends like that?"

"No," Eli said quietly. He slowly turned back to his book as the conversation suddenly started to take a turn for the worse.

"Do you have any friends at all?" Adam wondered. Eli couldn't see it, but the boy had taken the time to put down his controller and pause his game to pay attention to his cousin.

"Not really."

This was the first time since Eli's long-term stay, or for that matter, _any _of Eli's visits that Adam realized that his cousin was a little bit on the down side. Sure, he had always noticed that Eli constantly dressed in black and didn't say much, but this was different. Back then, he always thought that Eli was like, punk rock, or something. Now, things were different.

"Well, dude, you've got me and Clare now."

That was the last thing Adam said to Eli before he continued with his game, or before he got ready for bed, or before he went to bed. They didn't talk anymore. And yeah, the silence was eating the freckled boy alive but he endured it. Probably because for most of the night, Adam was thinking. Thinking of ways he could get Eli involved and not seem like so much of a downer. But not too many things, not to push him too far.

Eli on the other hand, had spent most of the night staring at his pill bottles that were sitting on Adam's dresser. He wasn't contemplating how to _get involved _or how to become better friends with the okay girl. In fact, that was in the back of his mind at this point.

He didn't want to take his pills.

He could function without them. _Not._

One of them was prescribed for his problems with sleeping, but no matter how many times he took them, it didn't help. His previous psychiatrist back in Ottawa had prescribed them to him, and whenever she would ask if Eli was sleeping better, Eli would say:

"_Yeah, it's crazy how well these are working. I nearly sleep through breakfast now._"

Eli was fairly efficient at lying.

After a while, he gave in, and swallowed all three of his pills while looking into the bathroom mirror and telling himself: _YOU ARE NOT A BASKET CASE._

But it didn't really matter because, he knew that he was.


	3. new routine

**A/N**: HELLO FRIENDS! it is your friendly neighbourhood becca here with another chapter for you! Thanks to all of you for your very nice and encouraging reviews, you're all so cute and friendly and awesome. special thanks to **CheapNovelty** and **Aeterna013 **because 1. I secretly adore Chris with all of my heart and 2. aeterna013's review made us squeal like twelve year old girls. ANYWAY i wont keep you guys waiting any longer here is chapter three i hope you enjoy it. remember, **ten** reviews and we update every Sunday!

**Rating**: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer**: We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Sun_ by FUN.

**Summary**:_ As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him._

* * *

_"You knew you had a reason, it killed you like diseases, and I can hear it in your voice while your speaking...you can't be treated. Mr. Know-It-All had his reign and his fall; at least that is what his brain is telling all."_** Wires | The Neighbourhood**

"Are you still up from last night?" Adam asked groggily as he sat up in his bed, his brown hair standing up in all sorts of different directions.

Eli wasn't sure whether to lie to his cousin or not, he could say that he hadn't gotten a proper rest in months, or that every time he closed his eyes he saw something horrible, but that didn't really seem like pleasant morning conversation.

"No, I just got up."

Adam didn't seem convinced, but he also didn't seem coherent, so he decided to let his cousin's odd behavior slide as he crawled out of bed.

Adam scurried into the bathroom, and Eli took this time to change his clothes. He slid the long-sleeve tee-shirt over his head, quickly glancing down at the scars that seemed to cover his body. He could have stared for hours as he remembered how each and every one were created, torture himself with the vague memories of the way things used to be, but he was tired, so tired and he didn't have much time.

The bags under his eyes seemed much more prominent than usual, and he wasn't all that surprised considering last night had been completely exhausting.

Adam had made a point to make Eli feel welcome, and perhaps Eli could have appreciated it more if Adam knew what he was signing up for.

His cousin was a good guy, a good guy who wanted nothing but to make everyone happy and to be content while he's doing it.

Eli admired that.

But as his eyes burned holes in his bottles of pills, he knew he could never be that way.

He slept fifteen minutes that night, and even that could have been an overstatement.

"Ready?" Adam asked as he left the bathroom, already hurrying down the steps before Eli had a chance to answer.

Grabbing their bags, Adam and Drew said their goodbyes to Audra, racing out the door as if their lives depended on it.

"Is my mom awake?" Eli asked, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as his eyes searched around them for any sign of her.

"No, I think she's going to sleep in today." Audra answered quickly as she gathered her things for work.

Eli nodded slowly, though he was tempted to slip into her room and check on her. She was a woman of routine before her husband passed away. Eli had tried to keep her in her set patterns, but as time went on, she slept more and more and she only spoke when she absolutely had to.

This worried her son, and though he wasn't sure how to show it, he cared for his mother. She had once been an amazing, wise woman, full of advice and joy. He just wished she could get that back.

Heading outside, he met with Clare and Adam at the bus stop, who had already been laughing about something Eli had obviously missed.

"Hey, Eli." Clare said softly, and he responded with a muttered hello, still not quite sure how he felt about the pretty girl who read Palahniuk and never cursed.

She had a certain warmth about her that he wished he could appreciate, and perhaps if it had been another day, or if he had been another boy, he would have spoken up and asked her how she was, how she was doing in school or _anything_, but he could never quite seem to get out much more than a greeting.

They arrived at school and Eli already could feel his head throbbing when the first bell rang. He found his classes much easier, but with the numbing pain he felt, he had hardly paid any kind of attention.

Headaches were something he was very used to, especially since he'd stopped sleeping, and when they came around, the only way to get rid of them was by waiting them out. Not even an ibuprofen could cure this kind of pain.

Dragging himself from class to class, Eli was desperate for the sweet relief of sleep and he wondered if it would be easier to rest in class, though he never did try. He wondered if it was strange that he was looking forward to the lunch period with Adam and Clare. The night before Adam had said that the three of them would be… _friends_, now. Of course Eli was slightly skeptical about this, considering the friends he usually made were short-term and would run away at the first sight of difference. But Adam and the okay girl were different, or at least appeared to be.

When it was time for lunch and Eli had returned to the same spot as yesterday, he attempted to sit off the side, hoping that when Adam and Clare arrived, he wouldn't be scrunched up in the middle again. But when they showed up, Adam rolled his eyes.

"Dude, we can't sit against the wall every day. We have a table and I'd _really _like to not lose it." Adam held out a hand to his cousin, pulling him up so that now all three of them were standing. Clare mouthed hello to him, and Eli nodded in response. He wasn't very good with hellos.

They all sat down at the table Adam had tried to direct Eli to yesterday. It really wasn't that hard to find, and now with Eli looking at it, he felt a little bit dumb.

Eli watched in silence as Clare opened up a metallic lunch box with the cast of _The Breakfast Club _on the front of it. For a girl that didn't like swearing, it surprised her she would own that. She carefully unwrapped a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from a napkin and to drape over her lap, protecting the pretty dark blue dress that she had been wearing. She didn't catch him staring, thank God, but he was still upset with himself for catching even a sideways glance at her.

"Don't you have anything to eat?" Clare asked. Eli glanced up from the water bottle sitting lonely-like on the space in front of him. While Adam had his tray full of food, and Clare had her lunchbox, Eli had zilch.

"Oh. No. I'm not hungry." Eli answered. Honestly, all he had eaten the night before had probably stuffed him up until the next century. Clare didn't ask any further questions. In fact, she hardly seemed interested in the subject anymore. Not in a rude way, in an _Eli is so standoffish and I don't want to make him uncomfortable, I want to be his friend _kind of way.

"I don't think I can come over after school," Clare started, "Madame Jean-Aux gave the slightest hint of a quiz tomorrow and if I don't get higher than a B then we can kiss movie night's goodbye."

Adam groaned. "Fuck French, why are you even taking it?"

"Because I want to get into Columbia after high school, Adam." Clare said. She finally picked up her sandwich to take a bite. He watched how polite she was about it, too. How after she took a bite she would dab the corners of her mouth with her napkin. She didn't even seem pretentious doing it, either. Not like she thought she was better than anyone else, just like, like she was brought up to be polite and dainty. He stared at her like she was a China doll.

"Eli, you're in French 4, aren't you?" Adam turned towards his cousin, who took his eyes off of Clare to nod in recognition. "What's your grade?"

Eli raised his eyebrows. "Well, disregarding the fact I've only been here a day, ninety-four…ninety-five?"

"So an A." Adam added up. Eli shrugged. "Cool, so you can tutor Clare so she doesn't flunk French."

Both Eli and Clare stared at him in confusion. It took Clare a few seconds to finish chewing and swallowing in the politest of fashions to say anything to Adam.

"Adam, you can't just suggest Eli to tutor me in a subject… he has to offer." Clare scolded. You could see the embarrassment written all over her cheeks in a pink sort of blush. She didn't dare look at Eli who was also turning red.

"I'm sure Eli wouldn't mind. I mean, it's not like he has anything else to do." Adam teased. "Come on, Eli, what do you say, tutor Clare so I don't go totally crazy?"

"You wouldn't go crazy," Clare rolled her eyes. "It's only until the end of the school year."

"Yeah, that's in two months! I would go completely nuts!"

Eli thought about making some sort of comment about how the two were clearly inseparable and probably soul-mates at heart, but he kept his mouth shut. It wasn't his place to say that. He wasn't close enough to the two of them yet. So instead, he sat back to watch their small debate go back and forth. But finally, he spoke up.

"I'll tutor you, Clare." Eli said quietly. But not quietly enough. Both mouths silenced and both eyes turned to stare at him. Clare was honestly a little surprised Eli had spoken up about it in the first place, but didn't mention it. "I mean… Adam's right. I don't have anything better to do."

He took a sip of his water, trying to keep his eyes low to avoid the light, and in doing so he'd completely missed that the two were still left looking at him. Tutoring wasn't something Eli would be good at, he knew this for sure. He could hardly have a conversation with his own mother, let alone teach another language to a practical stranger.

"You really don't have to do that, Eli." She squeaked, her words rushed and fumbled together.

"I know." He responded, but his tone wasn't cold, it was factual, and he even went so far as to look up at her as he said it.

Adam let out a soft chuckle, somewhat amazed with the way Eli was talking. He didn't say much, but that didn't matter. He was responding, not just nodding, but saying things. Short things, but they were things nonetheless.

"So, movie night…" Adam began, already filling the silence that had only surrounded the three for a moment or two.

"What's on the list?" Clare asked, and Eli assumed that 'the list' she referred to was not a legitimate document.

"Well so far I've got a couple lined up," The younger boy started, and Eli found himself almost completely lost as he listed off at least a dozen films, and Eli hadn't even heard of nearly half of them. His cousin had always been keen on action movies, and he wondered for a moment if Clare usually sat through them during the weekly endeavor.

Perhaps they traded off to where some weeks they watched what he wanted, and the other would be up to her.

Not that any of that really mattered.

Eli held his head in his hands, his elbows hoisted up on the table as he fought the searing pain coursing through his head.

"Eli, you're going to love movie night. You know what happens on movie night?" Adam asked excitedly, practically bouncing in his seat.

"I'm going to branch off here and assume that you…_watch movies._"

Clare let out a loud laugh, quickly covering her mouth with her hand as she continued to giggle under her breath, and Adam slapped his cousin in the arm. "Just for that, I shouldn't even invite you!" He threatened jokingly, and Eli only shrugged, lifting his head from his hands.

"-But I will, because we're going to need some sort of unbiased third party to talk Clare out of her silly romantic movies."

"Oh and I suppose watching a bunch of guys going on shooting sprees every five seconds isn't silly?"

Eli smirked a bit at her statement, looking to Adam for his response, but he had already moved on, finishing off what was left of his lunch and shaking his head as if dismissing anything she'd said. Basking in her victory, Clare hummed softly to herself, smiling to herself in her own little world of silent satisfaction.

Conveniently, the bell seemed to ring as soon as the two were finishing. Taking Clare's trash with him, Adam hurried over to the trash cans, shoving the discarded sandwich bags and scraps of food into the container.

"So," Clare spoke up as she slung her messenger bag over her shoulder, and slipped her lunch box back into the bag, "I'll have Adam give you my number and we can work out some time for tutoring, alright?"

Eli only nodded, not quite sure what else there was to say, and the reiteration of that only made him realize even more that he would definitely not be the best tutor.

Sure, he knew French, and he was positive he could relay it back to himself if he needed to.

But that was it, he didn't have a technique or a 'secret', he just knew. He read things and he understood them, that's just how it always went.

Clare was a smart girl, Eli could tell just by the way she presented herself and the assumption had only been reinforced when he saw the books she carried. He couldn't quite fathom why learning French had been proven difficult to her, but he could see that she wouldn't go down without a fight, and he supposed that it was seeing someone with passion that made him decide to help. She possessed a rare quality in his eyes, and he envied that.

That she could _want _things.

He really didn't remember the last time he ever wanted something, per se. Despite maybe wanting his mother to be happy and wanting to take care of her, he couldn't remember the last time he actually wanted something for himself. He never really thought _I want to be happy _or _I want to stop hurting myself _or _I want to feel better_. It was a tie between being selfish and selfless and he couldn't find a way out.

Going home, Adam and Clare invited him to sit closer to them on the bus. Clare opted to sitting across from the two boys (which Eli thought about disagreeing with, but instead took it graciously) so that Eli wouldn't have to sit with strangers. Maybe Adam was right. Maybe he did have the two of them now.

Eli waved goodbye to Clare, which was new for him… saying goodbye. He was never really good with goodbyes either.

"So, I was thinking –" Adam started once the two boys had arrived in their bedroom. He was already starting up a game of _Kingdom Hearts _while he was talking. Homework who? "I was thinking you could tutor Clare on Fridays so afterwards she'll like, already be here for movie night. It's a pretty great plan."

Eli shrugged.

"Here," Adam tossed him his cell phone. "Clare's number is in there. Just text her the plan or whatever."

He couldn't remember the last time he had texted a girl. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time he had sent a text to anyone period. Of course, back when Julia was around, the two would text nonstop when the two weren't together. And it was already odd enough when the two of them weren't together. Eli put Clare's number into his phone, and stared at it for a good ten minutes before deciding what to say.

He didn't know whether or not to be funny.

Or sarcastic.

Or cute.

But then again did he know how to do those kinds of things anyway?

In the end, the text sounded something like this:

"_This is Eli._"

And her reply sounded something like:

"_This is Clare_."

He could definitely appreciate the bit of humor she tried to add to the totally awkward conversation that he would have even gathered been in person.

"_Adam says it would be a good idea to just have me tutor you before movie night._" Eli sent her back. Short – straight – and to the point.

"_That sounds good! We can definitely talk about it some more tomorrow, but yeah, before movie night sounds good._"

This was something that he had to admire about Clare. Well, something other than all the other things he had begun to admire that were just seemingly endless. She had a personality. The way she could text, it was just like you were old friends. Like he had nothing to worry about. Of course, he was worrying anyway.

"_Cool._"

It was the best that he could do.

Eli handed Adam back his cell phone and decided that even though it was early, and even though nobody had even eaten dinner yet – he was going to start getting ready for bed. Or, his sleepless version of bed. Maybe he'd read through the letters he'd written to himself, wedged in his copy of _Great_ _Expectations_. Then he could start his reread of _Fight Club. _He always found something new when he was reading that.

He stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Eli hated showers, honestly. Maybe it was because it gave him memories of when he'd first begun….hurting himself, how the soap and the cut would react and the sting was a worse pain, it was like a reminder of what he'd done. Maybe it was because he hated looking at himself. He was covered in them, scars that is, and it was difficult for him to breathe sometimes when he would get a look at the miserable piece of art work that he had made. Or maybe it was simple – and he just didn't like water.

Yeah, simplicity was totally Eli's thing.

The bathroom was starting to get foggy, so he changed out of his clothes and for a minute – looked at himself staring back in the mirror. _Worthless. Good for nothing. Emotionless. Failure. Stress-freak. Goth boy. Fucking psycho. _

Maybe it was the voices that made Eli hate showers.

He finished up quickly, trying to keep his eyes ahead, though he had already caught a glance of the razor sitting temptingly at the end of the tub.

It was far too early for him to start back up again when he had two motherly figures watching over him now.

Though he was starting to believe that Cece wouldn't even take the time to notice anymore, and honestly, he didn't blame her.

Drying off, he slipped on the clothes he'd brought in, a bit uncomfortable with the way the long-sleeved shirt clung to his still damp body. Though that was a very small price to pay. He couldn't risk Adam seeing what a monster he'd become, he couldn't imagine what kind of pep-talk he'd try to muster up and honestly, he didn't want to.

Eli threw the towel over his shoulder, tossing it into the bin as he entered their room. Adam hadn't moved an inch, pressing furiously on the buttons on his controller as he murmured unintelligible phrases.

Sitting on his tiny inflatable mattress, Eli decided to delve into his homework, starting and finishing it all within the hour. He leaned over to grab his bag, and he guessed Adam must have heard him stirring, "I was talking to my mom yesterday, she said your bed should be put together by the time we get back from school tomorrow," he explained, keeping his eyes on the television.

"Sounds good." Eli responded softly, though he felt that the bed might be somewhat of a waste, seeing how his resting periods only lasted for thirty minutes at the most.

"Boys, dinner!" Audra called from downstairs, and Eli could have cracked a smile at how quickly Adam dropped his controller to dart down the steps.

The "family" gathered around the table, and Eli narrowed his eyes a bit at a shaking Cece who had actually decided to eat. He partially wished he could do the same.

When Eli had first started taking medicine, his parents had noticed a lack of eating, how he'd stir the food around for a while, take a couple of bites and then end up throwing the rest away. He ate enough to keep him going, but he certainly wasn't healthy in the aspect of nutrition.

Or any aspect, for that matter.

Eli ate only a few bites of the steak that had been prepared, and a dinner roll, leaving the potatoes untouched and the green beans barely even looked at.

Helping to clear off the table, he looked over to his mother again who had found her way to the loveseat where Clare had sat just the day before.

She was crying again, and had anyone else seen her they would have wondered what she possibly could have remembered to get this way.

But Eli knew; he knew more than anyone else that it could have been anything that set her off.

It could have been the T.V for all he knew, she could have looked at it and thought of all the movies they watched, the home videos and the recorded shows.

But then again it could have been something deeper, she could have glanced at the ring on her finger. Maybe it was their wedding day, or perhaps one of their dates, maybe she thought of the day they said their first _I love you's_.

Either way, his heart broke for her.

Or at least, he wanted it to.

He hadn't even shed a tear since the death of his father, and the sheer thought of how cold he'd become sent a chill down his spine, deciding to let those thoughts slip away for a bit.

"Come on, mom. It's time to go to bed." He told her softly, holding out a hand to help her up.

She took it graciously, only to let it go when she got to her feet, and she slowly but surely made her way to the bedroom. Eli followed in suit, stopping only to get her a glass of water, because he knew that she'd wake up to get one and never go back to sleep.

Yes, Eli had developed a routine.

He had kept up with it at their last house and he was completely determined to keep up with it now.

When he got to her room she had already changed, but she hadn't yet gotten into her bed, just glaring out the window with a dazed look on her face, and Eli had to remind himself that this woman was his mother.

Tapping her shoulder, he led her to her bed, allowing her situate herself in the sheets as he set the glass on her night-stand next to a photograph that Eli always avoided.

It was a picture of the three of them, a rare photo where all three had been smiling, and he wondered if she looked at it when she was having a particularly bad night.

He could remember what happened back at home, before he'd begun to help her this way, he remembered finding her on the kitchen floor, bottles of unidentified forms of alcohol surrounding her.

"My husband is gone," she had murmured over and over again, and it took Eli a couple of hours to clean up the mess she'd made, along with getting her into bed.

Now, they had a routine. There was a way that things went, and the two kept it that way. Though he wasn't sure if she liked it or not, it kept her safe and it kept her sober.

So Eli continued on with his routine. After his mother was asleep, he could finally get ready for bed. He took his stupid fucking pills like he dreaded doing every night, and tonight he finally got around to finishing _Great Expectations_. He decided it was okay, like the kind of okay that he categorized Clare in.

Tonight, he started thinking about Clare. It was right about when the nightmares would kick in, so he thought that maybe, _just maybe _if he thought about something so physically lovely and vocally sweet that it might counteract the bad memories. Because his nightmares were never actually like what children get, he would relive every single bad thing he could ever remember, which was what haunted him the most.

But, surprisingly, Clare helped. She warded off the nightmares for a little bit of time. He tried to imagine her at lunch again, napkin in lap and when she giggled when Eli was even slightly funny. Her laugh was nice, too. If only he was funny enough to get her to laugh more often. Hell, if only he could be funny.

He tried to imagine how he would be tutoring her in French. _Comment allez-vous_? He pretended in his head that things would go beyond smoothly, that talking to her in French could be easier than talking to her in English. But he knew deep, deep, down that it would be opposite from that. If he could hardly talk to her in English _how could _he teach her French?


	4. new friends

**A/N:** hi everyone it's Emma here. I hope you're enjoying the fic! We're working super hard on it, and believe me things are gonna get real intense real fast. So hang in there and keep reviewing and reading because we appreciate it more than you'd ever know. I'd love to shout out a couple of reviewers but I'm unable to access them as of right now, so just know that I've acknowledged them and I just can't believe how sweet you guys are. Thanks so much for following the fic and we'll see you next Sunday! also hey from becca remember 10 reviews = the next chapter

**Rating**: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer**: We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Sun_ by FUN.

**Summary**:_ As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him._

* * *

_"I got out of bed today, swear to God I couldnt see my face. I got out of bed today staring at a ghost who forgot to float away, didnt have all that much to say."_** Weighty Ghost | WinterSleep**

Eli got up before Adam, because he only had begun to realize the previous morning that both Adam and Drew take a long time in the bathroom. And considering Eli didn't fall asleep very much anyway, getting up at five-thirty in the morning to brush his teeth and stare blankly at himself in the mirror for a while wasn't so bad. Well, not as bad as it would have been if he'd been rushed. It was still pretty bad.

Today was the big day. Yesterday at lunch he and Clare had decided that Fridays, only a few hours before movie night, would be smart and easier. He thought about asking _easier than what? _But when did Eli ever say what he was thinking?

At lunch on Friday, things were beyond normal. Nobody bothered to mention Eli tutoring Clare after school because they were all wrapped up in discussion over what movie would be watched that evening to prepare Eli for that nights event. Of course, while Adam wanted to watch _Iron Man 3, _Clare wanted to watch _The Kings Speech. _It was never a simple decision when it came to those two. In the end, they decided that they were going to watch _The Lion King_, because, well, as Adam put it:

"It is one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces to this day and if you do not agree with me I do not wish to speak with you."

After school, Clare followed Eli and Adam home instead of walking back to her own house from the bus stop. She had her French textbook pressed up against her chest just like she had when Eli had first met her. It all gave him a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach that he couldn't quite put a name on. Maybe it was because as he saw the French book in her hands, it gave him the realization that he was supposed to be _teaching _her this subject. He had never taught anyone anything in his whole life.

Adam set the two of them up at the dining room table. Clare set her book-bag and purse on the floor next to her chair. Eli pulled out his French 4 book from his backpack, setting it nervously down in front of them. How was this supposed to start? Oh God, how did he even _think _this would be remotely possible?

"So…" Eli whispered. "What are you guys learning right now?"

"Well, right now we're _trying _to get through subjective with negative and indefinite pronouns."

Clare seemed incredibly on top of everything throughout their entire lesson. Maybe she wasn't, and she was playing some sort of charade to make Eli feel better about himself, but she seemed to understand everything he taught her. She nodded constantly, and took rigorous notes and would ask constant questions. He watched a lot when she was speaking. How when she talked, trying to spit out the words correctly, she'd purse her lips and scrunch up her face and say a sentence quickly, gasping for approval. Eli would always just nod.

Sometimes he would zone out, too. Just because he was looking at her and over-thinking everything. He was so wrapped up in his head worried that he might make a mistake and teach her poorly; that on her next test she'd get a bad grade and he might never see her again. Wait, why was he worried now about not seeing her again?

When five-thirty rolled around, they wrapped up their lesson, ending with a quick _c'était super, merci _and a _oui, bien sûr. vous êtes les bienvenus._

"Can I ask you something?" Eli spoke up as Clare placed her books back into her bags. Clare looked up and nodded, smiling. "Why are you doing so badly in French? You seem smart." Eli quickly took a sharp breath before Clare could answer his question. "Sorry. That was kind of rude. I shouldn't have asked it. Sorry."

Clare laughed a little, almost like a giggle. "It's fine, Eli." He watched as she finished gathering her things together and stood to her feet. "I'm not really sure. I know it's not true, but I like to think my brain is too busy remembering books and poems for me to remember a bunch of French. I want to remember it, I really do – it's just so frustratingly difficult."

_Well, with my help, you'll be cruising right through French 2. _Eli thought to himself. No, no, that sounded dumb. "I get it."

Goddammit.

"Fucking finally, are you two finished?" Adam strolled in through the kitchen, ham sandwich in his left hand and a bottle of Pepsi Cola in his right hand. "Next time instead of two hours it should be two minutes so I don't have to be so bored."

"Adam Torres if your mother sees you eating that sandwich she is going to kill you." Clare cautioned. Eli suddenly realized that he loved watching her tease Adam. Like she was a mother to him, babying him into his next life. "She's probably making dinner for us!"

"As if he won't be hungry again in twenty minutes." Eli threw in. Both Adam and Clare were surprised by his comment, but welcomed it wholeheartedly. Clare had noticed over the past few days of knowing him, that Eli didn't talk much, but when he did, it was usually worthwhile. He could be funny when he wanted to be, and he seemed to never miss out on an opportunity to tease his cousin properly. Clare smiled, quirking an eyebrow at Adam who only shrugged his shoulders, taking a bite out of the sandwich.

"Shall we?" He asked with a mouthful of food, gesturing to the now open door that led to the basement. Clare walked over to him, rolling her eyes as he flashed her smile, exposing the chewed up sandwich in the attempt to gross her out.

Eli followed the two downstairs, standing back as they fell into their comfortable routine. Clare had made herself quite comfortable on the recliner, smoothing her skirt down with the palm of her hand. Adam was hunched over in front of the DVD player, clicking buttons and sliding the disc onto the tray before jumping onto the loveseat, stretching his body out in such an awkward fashion.

Eli sat on the very edge of the cushion on the couch in the very middle of the room, leaning his elbow against the arm rest and laying his head on his hand. Things got quiet for only a moment, before things got actually very loud.

The two seemed pretty engrossed in the film, and he could tell they've watched it together before. They'd picked out roles for every scene and reenacted them with such precision, you'd think they wrote the script themselves. Eli found himself drifting off toward the middle, his eyes began to flutter shut and he was amazed that his body had relaxed enough to give into what he needed. It wasn't sleep, but it was still nice. The sensation didn't last long. It was only a few moments before he heard Adam and Clare belting out the lyrics to the next song, jarring him from his peaceful state.

Adam threw a pillow at his cousin, shooting him a look of disbelief that he was sure wasn't serious.

"You can't possibly be falling asleep during _Can You Feel The Love Tonight_." He scolded, shaking his head. Eli pursed his lips in response, not really sure what else he could say in a situation like that.

The movie was nearing its end, and Eli flinched as he heard loud clapping from Clare and Adam as the credits began to roll.

Part of him wanted to speak up, to make some sort of remark about how if _Movie Night_ was anything like this, he'd need to bring ear-plugs.

"Dinner!" Audra called down the stairs and Adam was gone within seconds, rushing up the steps without giving the two a second glance. Clare giggled softly, and Eli looked up to her, the corner of his lips curling into a soft smile that she seemed to appreciate.

The two stood, and Eli stepped aside to let Clare go up first in his strained attempts to be a gentleman. She thanked him, her pale cheeks becoming a soft pink, and he couldn't deny the feeling of pride that washed over him when he realized he'd been the one to make it happen.

Following her up the steps, he found himself wondering. He wondered what her favorite subject in school was, and what she wanted to do as a career. He wondered if she liked music and what her favorite band was.

She was interesting to him. And he found that to be very refreshing.

Adam was familiar; he was simple to figure out. He likes food and comic-books, and he wants to design video games. All that came very clear to Eli.

_She could be a teacher_, he thought, grabbing a plate from the counter as he took a seat. He was studying her at this point, though he hadn't even noticed. Her features were smooth, and he had a hard time imagining her angry. Though Adam had informed him that Clare was very different from most, she didn't hold back her anger and let it explode all at once. No, she was far too professional for an outburst.

He liked that she wasn't ashamed of being passionate.

A trait that seemed all too common in their generation.

"_She likes school. And not in a pretentious way. She's the only person I've ever met who wants to do well for herself, not for the money or recognition."_ Adam had once said, and it was things like this that left Eli wondering if his cousin had a crush on the curly-haired girl. Though it seemed as though Adam liked to make it very clear that the two had always only ever been friends.

And they liked it that way.

Shaken from his thoughts, Eli looked down at his plate, grimacing at the seasoned chicken she had prepared. His mother had decided to skip dinner, and the very thought of her sitting alone in her room had destroyed any sense of appetite that he might've had.

His mother not at the dinner table spoiled any type of good mood he might have even thought he had been in. Even looking over at Clare failed to lift his spirits. He didn't know what it was about her, he really didn't. There were many things that he liked about her, but he couldn't figure out what the one, key trait that she possessed was that kept him wanting to be around her. Eli truly wanted to know what it was, but doubted that he'd ever find out. Because by the time she'd finally be getting close to him… he'd end up scaring her away.

"Dude, Clare, why don't you just spend the night?" Adam suggested. "Just tell your mom you're staying at Alli's or something. We can watch the second _Lion King_ movie!" He finished his sentence off in a sing-songy sort of way.

"I hate when you kids lie to your parents," Audra murmured. She gathered up the empty plates, though Eli's was still mostly disarrays of cut up chicken and half-eaten peas that rolled around awkwardly while she carried the plate off. She didn't even question to see if Eli was finished, she could just tell. "It makes me wonder what you're hiding behind my back. When you say you're at the mall, are you actually off smoking crack?"

Adam nearly choked on his drink. "Mom, Clare telling her mom she's staying at a different friend's house when she's really staying here is way different than me going to _smoke crack _at the mall."

"I'm just saying. This whole lying thing makes me uncomfortable." Audra huffed. She glanced across the table at her nephew, who was twiddling his thumbs underneath the table. "Eli, would you help me with the dishes?"

Without a real answer other than a nod, he stood to his feet and followed her into the kitchen, carrying Clare's empty glass of lemonade and Adam's fork that had mysteriously ended up on the carpet.

"Do you like Toronto, Eli?" Audra asked him as they went through the dishwashing cycle. Audra washed, Eli dried, and then they both would put away.

"It's nice." Eli answered.

"Are you making any friends at school?"

Eli shrugged. "Just Adam and Clare."

Audra glanced over her shoulder at the dining room just behind them. Adam was telling some elaborate story, using large hand motions and goofy expressions. She clicked her tongue slightly. "They're in grade eleven but they still act like they're in grade nine. Don't you think you should be hanging out with kids your age, Eli?"

Eli just moved his shoulders up and down, shrugging. As if there was really that big of an age difference between the three of them. And as if Eli would really care, anyway. It was just nice that he could find somewhat friends at all. "I don't know."

"Well, if you'd like I could have Drew invite you to sit with his friends at lunch. I do think it would be nice for you to make friends with people that you won't have to leave next year, you know, when you go to college."

_When you go to college. _Yeah, if Eli could even make it that far.

They finished up the remainder of the dishes in silence. Well, it was silence for Eli. Audra kept going on, and on about Drew and Adam and school and how things were going to settle down nicely between Eli and his mother. Eli kept bitterly quiet for the time being. He couldn't tell if he was upset or not. More like uncomfortable, but a little upset. She made it seem like it was so easy to make new friends. That hanging out with Drew and his athletic crowd would be a piece of cake. _Yeah, right._

"I'm going to bed." Eli said quietly when he walked back into the dining room.

"What! But dude it's only eight-thirty!" Adam cried.

"I know. I'm just not feeling it tonight." Not that he felt it any other night, but more prominently tonight.

Surprisingly, Clare stood up from her chair. "It's all right, Adam. Let him go to bed." She said. Eli blinked.

Clare wasn't going to join in with Adam's protests?

Not that he wanted her to do it, he just… he thought… god, why'd he ever think anyway? "Thanks for the tutoring, Eli. I'll see you tomorrow?"

There was this tense sort of awkwardness that had begun to bloom between the two of them at _this very moment. _When neither of them were sure if they were supposed to hug goodbye or wave or shake hands or… or what? He stared at her blankly before slowly nodding his head in response. She smiled. It was so warm and friendly of a smile that when he turned and walked away he could still see it burning in the back of his mind.

Adam soon gave in, no longer complaining as Eli slowly made his way up the steps. He supposed Clare left when he heard his cousin shouting a goodbye out the front door, but he didn't bother to check, dragging himself to the top of the stairs.

Eli felt like he was going to be sick, his head had gone nearly numb and his stomach was aching with what he presumed was its way of rejecting the small amount of food he ate.

He clenched his eyes tight at the sudden and painful realization that he was getting bad again, and Eli searched for a place to ride out the bad thoughts.

Making his way into the bathroom, Eli shut the door behind him, his hazy eyes staring intently at himself in the mirror. He didn't break his gaze as he reached back to lock the door, his shaking hands hardly finding the knob.

He shuddered at his reflection, noticing the dark bags under his eyes and his sunken cheeks. _Like a ghost, _he thought, running his fingers through his darkened hair that fell just a little past his cheek bones.

He was a mess, a teenage tragedy with a story to match, and when he looked at himself this way, it was only made all the more clear.

He tried to think of Clare, and her smile. He found brief sanctuary at the thought, but it was soon torn away from him when he remembered that he couldn't cling to the thought of a smile. He couldn't rely on the girl he hardly knew.

She deserved much better than that.

His breathing became labored when he remembered his father, and how scared he looked when they found the gun.

Bullfrog had tried so hard to get better, and all Eli could do was watch, suffering in silence, because he couldn't pull himself together long enough to be strong for his dad. He clenched his hair in his hands, sliding down the bathroom wall while he took deep breaths.

He saw his mother holding Bullfrog's hand as he went limp, his eyes looking glassily at the white hospital wall. He saw Cece screaming and thrashing, telling Eli to find a nurse quickly.

He had never ran so fast in his life.

It was all so vivid and clear to him, gnawing on his brain like it's waiting for a release. Like it's looking for a way out. He pulled himself off the floor, covering his mouth with his hands as his eyes searched frantically for something sharp, something to keep the demons at bay.

Finding a razor within the confines of the cabinet above the sink, Eli eyed it carefully, deciding that it was probably the best thing he was going to find.

He lifted a sleeve of his shirt, sitting on the tub as he looked for a clean space on his battered arm. Pressing the blades against his skin, Eli took in a deep breath and shut his eyes, preparing himself for the pain.

He dropped the razor at the loud sound of a pounding at the door.

"What the hell, man! Can you hurry up?" Drew's voice boomed, groaning impatiently as he stood in the hall.

"Yeah s-sorry."

He slipped the razor back into the cabinet, quickly glancing at his skin to notice that it had only made a small scratch before he'd been so rudely interrupted.

Opening the door, Drew's features softened only the slightest bit as he noticed that it was Eli who'd been locked up in the bathroom. Drew studied him, eyeing his features and Eli took that opportunity to pull his sleeve down once again, giving his cousin an apologetic shrug.

Moving out of his way, Eli scurried into his bedroom, a bit shocked as he found a bed sitting where his air mattress used to be. He wondered for a moment if Audra had set it up all on her own, and the thought made him feel a little bad for not suggesting to assist her, but it looked comfy and inviting and he'd kill for a good night's rest, though he knew that was far too much to ask for.

Eli changed into some pajamas, walking over to his bedside table and readying his pills accordingly. Lifting the small white tablet, he sighed to himself, speculating as to what was supposed to be so special about these god damn things.

He looked down at his arm again, remembering that he had only left a scratch. And sure, he might have gone further had his cousin had not interjected, but the fact of the matter was that he _didn't _go farther_._

Perhaps he didn't need the pills anymore.

Perhaps he never did.

Adam didn't take pills to make bad memories go away, he was sure Clare didn't take pills to make it easier to wake up in the morning and Eli knew good and well that the only thing wrong with Drew's head is that he used it as a landing cushion.

Tapping his fingers against the wood of the table, he thought of what benefit it would serve to his mother.

Maybe if he slowly weaned off of his medication, he could convince her that he was all better, that she had one less thing to worry about and that one day she'd be healed just like him.

He didn't need the pills to make him feel better, he needed his own strength to make him feel better. Something he doubted he had, but was now curious about.

Eli placed the capsules back in their containers, looking around before shoving each bottle into the drawer, hiding the contents with a book.

If he was going to get better, he had to do it on his own.

And if he found out that the pills were just delaying the inevitable, that they weren't truly helping, then he'd need to take matters into his own hands just as he wanted to when he was sixteen. Leaving the room, Eli went downstairs to repeat his nightly routine with his mother, tucking her into bed and being sure she had her water. She was getting thinner, her hair was greasy and she hardly left her room, and Eli shivered as he remembered himself when Julia had passed.

_"He hasn't come out of his room in a few days, Daniel, I'm so worried about him." CeCe whispered outside of her sons bedroom door. "What if the therapy and the medication aren't helping?"_

_ "He's in mourning," Bullfrog tried to explain. "You haven't lost very many people yet, CeCe. The whole side of your family is living and breathing. When you lose someone, you'll understand why Elijah is suffering so much. Especially with someone so close to him…"_

_Eli had only left the room for a few times after Julia had died. It had been in the midst of summer vacation, and he found no real need to go outside or to even go downstairs for that matter. He went to Julia's funeral, wearing a tuxedo for the first time in his life. Her whole family was there, which made him feel just a little more awful than he ever wanted to be. _

_ "We are gathered here today to commemorate the remembrance of Julia Turner. She was only fifteen when she passed on, but we are sure she is in a better place now. Julia was…"_

_It was too hard to listen to. And when they called Eli up to the stand to speak about her, he only stood uncomfortably at the alter and stared out at the crowd of people. He had a speech prepared, it was stuffed in the pocket of his suit but he had lost all control over his body. He shook with fear and broke down before he even had the chance to speak. _

_ "Julia was magnificent."_

_That was all he ever said._

The nightmares of the absent presence in his life never _ever _went away. He used to constantly call up her number, as if she was still around, and leave her messages saying things like _hey Julia, haven't heard from you in a while now. Hope you're doing okay. Love you. _It was really mostly just to hear her voice on the answering machine. Julia's parents were nice enough to keep her cell phone on for this very purpose, and Eli abused it often.

Eli tried hard to sleep tonight. Like, _really_ tried. After his almost-success during movie night, he was desperately trying to reach the same feeling he had earlier. He replayed the movie in his head, remembering certain lines and the tune of _Can You Feel the Love Tonight _so that maybe, just maybe, he could recreate the sleep that he so desperately needed.

It was fruitless, though, and Eli oddly enough knew that from the beginning of it all. He wished he could remember the last time he truly got a good night's sleep. It was before Bullfrog had died, but not close enough for memory. When Bullfrog was in the hospital, Eli was plagued awake at night with nightmares of the worst things that could happen to his father. And… the worst thing did happen.

Julia was dead. Eli's father was dead. Everyone he loved always slipped from in between his fingers so…

Who was next?


	5. new places

**A/N**: HELLOOOO! it's Becca here. I'm so excited because this is probably my favorite chapter of this fic so far. Oh man I'm beyond excited for you guys to read this because ITS THE BEST. Thank you all for always reading and reviewing, you're all amazing. You guys always come through for us with the ten reviews a week too, which is so cute. Cute probably isn't the right word but I don't care you guys are all utterly adorable. Don't ever change.

**Rating**: This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer**: We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Sun_ by FUN.

**Summary**:_ As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him._

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_"Don't come too close - you don't want to see my ghost. Your turn but I'm betrayed by you my sweetheart._"** Matchbox | The Kooks**

The weekend had passed quickly, and Eli found that Saturday and Sunday were fairly similar to every other day of the week. Adam would play video games and Drew would work out or sneak his girlfriend over during the night. Audra made a bigger dinner than usual on Saturday seeing as how her husband was just arriving from a business trip. Eli and Cece had to go through another reunion and at the end of the night, the three adults wound up talking softly to each other while their kids were in bed.

And though Eli couldn't hear a single word they said, he was sure that none of it was something he didn't already know.

Adam stayed up later than usual on Sunday, and when Eli had questioned him about it, he only pointed toward his textbooks and his laptop, giving him the impression that he'd obviously waited until the very last moment to do his homework.

Without his pills, Eli experienced the side-affects rather quickly. His vision became slightly blurred every now and again and his headaches seemed far more frequent, but overall, he couldn't make any observation that things had been any different.

The school week went by just as easily as the first, he did his work, and he turned it in. It was a cycle he wasn't willing to break.

Eli based his life off of routine. He did everything the same; his former therapist had said it had something to do with his inaccessible need for perfection.

But in reality, Eli used it to compensate for the lack of organization in his head.

As Friday rolled around, Adam and Clare excitedly spoke of movie night during their lunch period, and Eli had gotten rather good at sitting and pretending he was involved in the conversation.

"Shutter Island!" Adam suggested loudly with a snap of his fingers, as if it was the one movie they'd always been searching for.

Clare giggled softly, shaking her head as the light laughter spilled from her lips, her auburn curls whipping across her shoulders. "No, Adam. We've watched that like six times."

Eli found himself getting a little caught up in the way Clare laughed, and how her pale cheeks would turn bright red if she laughed too hard or for too long. Or how she'd cover her mouth if she started laughing too hard. In his head, Clare was this figment of goodness. She was never rude or selfish, she didn't ask for anything and every day she met him with a smile. Like Clare Edwards had never had a bad day in her life.

"Eli, what do you think we should watch?" She asked sweetly, and Eli licked his lower lip as he thought. He hadn't seen any recent movies, hell he'd practically forgotten about them in general. The last movie he could think of was an action film he'd watched with his father, one where the hero saves the town and gets the girl who hardly wears any clothes.

He shrugged, shaking his head a bit before deciding to speak. "I actually haven't watched a lot of movies." He admitted to them, and Clare nodded as she always did, never bothering him to continue or explain.

"Fight Club?" Clare asked after a few moments of comfortable silence.

Now that was a movie Eli was familiar with, and he was nearly certain that was why she suggested it in the first place. She gave him a smug look, raising her eyebrows as she waited for a response, but Eli only granted her with a short nod.

"Great. Fight Club it is." Adam said with a sigh, finishing up the remainder of the food on his plate as their lunch period came to an end.

After the short bus ride, the three stood at the curb for a moment or two, chatting indistinctly amongst themselves about nothing in particular while Clare fumbled with her purse. She pulled her phone out from her bag, checking it for a split second before giving them a cheeky smile and walking off, shouting something about how she was only getting her stuff and that she'd be right back. Adam only nodded, waving his hand toward her as he began to head toward the house.

"Stuff?" Eli asked, catching up to Adam so that the two were side by side.

"Yeah, like pajamas and things like that." He tried to explain, but Eli only crinkled his eyebrows together, curious as to why she'd need her pajamas to watch one movie.

"-So she can sleep over?" Adam finished, shaking his head a bit like Eli was supposed to have known. As they reached the front porch, the two hurried inside, throwing their book-bags down in the living room. Eli gulped inaudibly, feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the idea of a grand sleepover.

"Does she sleep over often?" He asked, following his cousin into the kitchen, watching as he pulled a few things out from the cupboards, snacks that Eli was sure Adam would set out and then end up devouring within ten minutes or so.

"Yeah man she sleeps here like almost every Friday."

Just as Eli was about to respond, Audra appeared from around the corner, Cece following close behind. The two were dressed nicely, though Eli found that his mother looked less than comfortable in any clothes that weren't the pajamas she'd been wearing for the past month.

"Your father, Aunt Cece and I are going out tonight. I'm leaving 20 dollars on the counter for pizza and we'll be home in a few hours. Tell Clare I said hi."

Cece feigned a smile, looking to Eli and nodding slowly as if to assure him that this was something she was willing to do, and the gesture itself put him at ease.

"Cool, thanks." Adam responded casually, holding a bag of chips under his chin and a plate in each hand. One adorned with pre-packaged cookies he had placed in a circle, and the other with pretzel sticks.

Eli managed a wave as the three adults piled into Audra's car, watching as the vehicle disappeared when they turned the corner out of the neighborhood.

As quickly as Audra had placed the money on the counter, Adam had already snatched it up in his fingers and he was calling up a pizza place at the very moment, leaving all of the things in his hand on the counter. The doorbell rang, and it was Clare, giggling and bouncing and from the looks of it, she was overwhelmed with happiness about being there. Eli knew it was wrong of him to feel this way, but he was envious of her. Of her natural happiness.

"Drew's going to be out all night, so guess who gets the basement?!" Adam had the phone pressed to the nape of his neck, grinning like the mad hatter. "Us! – Oh, um, yeah I'll have a large Hawaiian style pizza minus the ham … yeah I know that makes it plain pineapple but it's way more fun to say Hawaiian … Jesus Christ, lady, don't question me!"

Clare placed her bags down at the kitchen table, shaking her head a bit as she readied herself, "She's so going to spit in our food," she said through a heavy exhale, and Eli couldn't help but emit a soft chuckle, and before he knew it she was whipping out her French book.

Oh. Tutoring.

It had nearly slipped his mind and if she hadn't reminded him, he probably would have pushed it to the side all together.

Their lesson was short today; only because when the pizza finally arrived, Adam was practically bouncing with excitement. Clare and Adam paraded down into the basement, with Eli following behind them. From what he had noticed, the two of them were awfully eager about movie nights. They did it constantly, weekly, and he wondered – how could two people spend so much time together without going bat-shit crazy?

Even when Eli had dated Julia he knew that he needed some time away from her. Sometimes he'd avoid her at lunch or not text her after school only because he just needed some time to breathe. And he wasn't being a dick about it, either. Julia did the same to him. And in the end they were happy, and Eli assumed that if she was around… they would have continued to be happy.

But Clare and Adam were constantly in each other's lives. Between lunches at school, late night phone calls, and movie nights on the weekends, Eli was surprised that the two of them never got bored of each other. And in a way…he was almost jealous? Then again he was already jealous of Clare's happiness, so maybe he could add being jealous of her easy-going way to make friends just as well.

"I hope you know this is the fourth time we've watched _Fight Club_." Adam said matter-of-factly. Adam appeared to be slightly upset by this, but after two slices of pizza and the line _Oxygen gets you high… _he seemed to have adjusted quite well. Eli was enjoying it, occasionally cracking a smile or mumbling lines he knew by heart underneath his breath. It was one of his favorite novels, and he would be lying if he said it didn't give him goose bumps when he heard his favorite quote. Almost the same kind of goose bumps that Clare gave him when she laughed. The way her nose would crinkle so cutely and how her shoulders bounced… he realized about halfway through the film that he wasn't watching it anymore – he was watching Clare and how she acted while watching a movie.

There was a moment though, a single second, when Clare glanced around the room and became aware of Eli looking at her. Of course it didn't last long, because the boy switched his gaze back to the television so he wouldn't be caught any further. He had no other reason to be staring at Clare other than purely observation, anyway. Observing the way the movie reflected off of her blue eyes and how her mouth was just slightly parted. No other reason than observation.

When the movie finally came to a close, Adam stood to his feet and cleared his throat:

"We should go for a drive." Adam grinned.

"What?" Clare raised her eyebrows. "Adam, neither of us can drive."

"Yeah, but Eli over here can. We could drive over to the lake or go see a midnight movie or –"

Clare shook her head, standing to her feet as well. "Adam we can't just ask Eli to drive us around places. You keep making assumptions that he's going to do things for us but he has to offer –"

"I'll do it." Eli raised his arm a little off of the armrest, waving his hand to get their attention. "If you guys want me to drive you around… I will, I don't care."

Feeling pretty proud of himself, Adam smirked in Clare's direction. "See, Clare, I told you. I knew he'd do it."

Throwing his hand in the air, Adam didn't miss a beat as he ran up the steps, and Clare slowly began to follow, stopping suddenly as she reached the base of the stairwell. She turned to face Eli, who had begun to trail behind her, and without realizing their proximity, her hand had come in contact with his chest. She quickly pulled it away, looking up at him briefly as her cheeks flushed.

"Oh – uh, sorry." She murmured, taking a few steps back and avoiding any type of eye contact.

Eli shrugged his shoulders slightly, shaking his head as if to assure her that it was fine without having the stress of deciding what to say and how to say it.

"Anyway...I just wanted to say thank you…for everything. I know Adam can be a bit pushy, but he really likes having you around. We _both_ really like having you around."

Her voice was soft and timid, and she finished her sentence with a genuine smile, using a free hand to push some of her hair behind her. She didn't wait for him to respond, as if she already knew that he wouldn't and Eli found himself a little breathless as she walked away.

_Oh._

So many times in his life Eli had heard the words thank you.

After years of holding doors, small favors and giving the occasional gift; _that_ had to be the most meaningful thank you he'd ever received. And he wasn't entirely sure why.

Eli could've stood there for hours, thinking it all over, wracking his brain to figure out just what this meant to him.

It was as though Clare Edwards exuded this feeling of welcome for all people who came her way.

He cleared his throat, finally making his way up the steps, opening the door only to be met with his mother's keys being thrown his way.

Reacting as quickly as he could, he flinched as he caught them against his chest, following Adam who'd already begun storming outside, and as though the three had arranged it ahead of time, they maintained their usual order;

Adam, then Clare, then Eli.

When he finally caught up, he wasn't at all surprised to see Adam in the passenger's seat, and Clare daintily scooting to the middle section of the backseat. He pushed the keys into the ignition, checking behind him in his rear-view mirror, and smiling a bit as he noticed Clare picking at the hem of her dress.

She seemed to have an awful lot of dresses, then again the weather was beginning to get a little hotter, and they suited her nicely. Catching himself in this odd string of thoughts, Eli shook his head just slightly, concentrating on the car.

He wasn't entirely sure where they were going, or how they'd get there, but soon enough, Eli found himself turning out of the neighborhood.

"We're going to the lake," Adam announced, and Clare clapped her hands together excitedly, letting out a girlish squeal.

"Although," Clare began, a smile still gracing her features, "it's actually a pond, not a lake."

"It's totally a lake," Adam retorted, and Eli couldn't help but wonder if they remembered who was driving.

"Whatever it is, would someone like to tell me where I'm going?"

Adam's eyes widened just slightly, quickly apologizing and leaning forward a bit to get a better look at where they were. They'd only been driving for a few minutes, and already Eli felt completely lost.

Soon enough, he started listing off directions, and it turned out that where they were headed was only about 15 minutes away. Adam reached toward the stereo, giving Eli a glance as if to ask permission and he only nodded in response.

He came to find out giving Adam control of the radio was a _very_ bad choice, though a lot of the bands he listened to were ones that Eli had grown to like during his early teen-hood, and considering it had been months since he'd heard anything even remotely new, he felt more comfortable listening to something familiar.

"Do you like concerts?" Clare asked loudly over the music, leaning forward a bit to ensure he heard her, and it sounded so strange to hear her having to raise a voice that seemed so little.

The question struck a nerve, and Eli wasn't sure he was willing to delve into his past; "I haven't been to one in a very long time, though." He told her, and Adam gave him a side glance in the middle of his very intense session of bad dancing, obviously being very aware of Eli's past. Clare only nodded, and then continued to bounce her leg to the beat of the song, letting the topic go.

His father was a radio man, he worked for a well-known station, and because of his father's status; he got into a _lot_ of shows.

They'd often go together, just the two of them bonding over loud music and drunken head-bangers. It wasn't conventional but nothing about Bullfrog was ever really _conventional._

It was only a few more songs later before Eli was driving over a field, and he came to a stop as Adam held out a hand to him.

The two of them practically jumped out of the car, and Eli watched in amusement as Clare slipped off her flats and ran out to a pitiful dock that made him a little nervous just to look at. Adam was already ahead of her, stepping onto the wooden boards and making his way to the very edge.

Eli let out a long exhale, taking the keys out of the ignition and walking toward them, hands digging deep into his jean pockets.

Adam was screaming something that didn't make much sense, and Clare laughed loudly, her legs swinging back and forth over the edge of the dock, her feet not yet reaching the water.

"Come on, Eli!" Adam shouted, his voice much louder than it needed to be seeing as Eli was only about 20 feet away.

"It doesn't look…safe." Eli chided, his eyes scanning over the body of water. Clare was right, this was definitely a pond.

A big pond, but a pond nonetheless.

"_Aw, is our goth prince scared of a little water_?" Adam teased, nudging Clare slightly, and she slapped his arm with the back of her hand. "It's perfectly safe, Eli." She added, and he gave in, stepping onto the dock and taking in between Clare and Adam, backing up a bit so that his shoes weren't getting wet.

He wasn't afraid, but it did concern him for a moment that one of them would fall in. And though he was sure that the water wasn't very deep, the thought of pulling his cousin out of murky, unkempt pond water didn't seem like a very good time.

His eyes were attached to the way the moon reflected against the water, and he'd watch closely as Clare's toes would lean in and gently flick the water, creating tiny little waves that would last for a few moments and then slowly disappear.

It all seemed a little cliché, and as much Eli wanted to say he was dreading it, it was all actually pretty nice.

"This is really nice." Clare whispered. They had no reason to whisper, but it all just seemed better when they were quieter.

"Yeah." Eli agreed. His tone was just the same as Clare's. Soft.

Adam stretched his arms. "I kind of want to go in."

"Adam, don't." Clare warned. Eli had never heard her voice so serious before.

"I didn't say I was _going _to. I just said that I _wanted _to." Adam clarified. It was too dark to tell, but the freckle-faced boy was rolling his eyes. "It really is nice out here, though. It's like we're actually alone for the first time ever."

That was a way to put it that Eli had never thought of before. They were all sitting in the peace of the night, on a dock and they were the only people around. There was just something about it that was so… safe? It was rare that he felt safe but at this _very moment_ he felt like everything in time had stopped and he had nothing to worry about. His mother was probably fine. He felt no need to worry about her at all. Eli wasn't even worried about the idea that Clare or Adam could fall in at any moment and he'd be the one rushing to their rescue.

Things were relaxed. And he liked it.

Eli was sure to tell himself that the reason everything was so perfect in that moment was because he'd refused to take his meds. Maybe they had been holding him back from feeling peaceful. _If you'd taken them, you'd be a mess right now. You'd be freaking out and they'd take you home. _Yes…no medication, no problem.

A while later Clare and Adam _did _decide to go in a little bit. They left their socks and shoes on the dock and Adam rolled up his jeans to above his ankles and Clare held her dress up so that the two could let their feet be tickled by the moss and the tiny fish that roamed around.

"Eli, you should come in!" Clare giggled. He watched from the dock as she strolled along, going in just a little deeper – then backing up again so that she wouldn't slip and fall.

"N-No, that's okay." Eli smiled. The dock was enough of adventure for him, anyway. Besides, he liked watching the two of them have their fun. He liked admiring Clare in the moonlight and hearing Adam make stupid jokes. The two of them found perfect sized rocks in the shallow end of the water to skip with. They had contests, and no matter how many times Clare tried, Adam would always win – holding the record of four and a half skips on one try.

Around ten, they all gathered around the field where Eli had parked the car and spread themselves out across the grass. They were all quiet for the most part, aside from Adam making dumb comments like _that ones the Big Dipper _when it looked nothing like it.

Everything that night had gone so well... Eli placed a hand over his chest to feel his heartbeat and for the first time since he could remember… it wasn't beating uncontrollably. It was regular. He felt good for the first time since he could remember. He felt happy. Was this what happiness was supposed to feel like?

"Hey, um, guys?" Eli croaked. The two who had been lying on their backs rolled over to look at Eli, who had been sitting up, leaning against the back wheel of the car. "I just wanted to say um… thanks for letting me hang around. Even if you are just using me for a ride." Eli was joking – but it had come out so sad-like that neither of them had recognized it as a joke.

"Of course, Eli!" Clare chirped. "Like I said, we like having you around."

"Seriously, dude, you're pretty cool for the extremely quiet, mysterious kind of guy." Pausing for a moment, Adam scrunched up his face in thought. "You know, the three of us? We're kind of like – misfits." Clare tilted her head to the side as if beckoning him to continue. "Think about it! Eli's the quiet guy who wears all the black, I'm the transgender kid, and you're the girl with no friends!"

Clare scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Adam, I have other friends."

"Yeah, but yet you're always hanging out with me. Us three – the misfits. It works pretty well, doesn't it?" Adam jumped up to his feet, thrusting his fists into the air. "We're the misfits!" He shouted, "WE'RE THE MISFITS!"

"Okay, okay, Adam." Clare laughed. "We're the misfits."

"Come on, stand up and do this with me." Adam waved his hand to the two of them. Eli was slightly hesitant at first, but eventually gave in. "Yell it with me."

Clare and Adam were the only two to do it at first, both of them bouncing around, yelling the three words at the top of their lungs. Eli only stared, smiling – on the verge of laughing. Clare and Adam spinning around, holding hands and belting _we're the misfits! We're the misfits! _

He couldn't really help it anymore. Eventually it was like it had maneuvered its way into his bloodstream and if he _didn't _say the words, he would have felt badly about himself.

"Okay, fine!" Eli threw his hands up into the air in defeat. He had to shout a little, so that the two of them could hear him over their cheering. Neither Clare nor Adam had ever heard him speak up like that before. "Okay, fine." He said again. "We're the misfits."

…

Eli took them home around midnight, the three of them being scolded significantly by Mrs. Torres for their absence. While Adam argued and argued on behalf of the three of them, Eli just took the yelling and apologized with a _sorry Aunt Audra. It won't happen again. _It probably wouldn't, anyway. Then again… he really didn't know. After how well that night had gone, maybe he would find himself going on more adventures with Clare and Adam. Or, how Adam had called it – _misfit adventures._

The three found themselves back in the basement to campout for the night. Adam threw down a couple sleeping bags and made sure the room was stocked with popcorn and candy – but by the middle of the first movie Adam had put on, Eli had noticed that the two of them had passed out on the couch and armchair.

It was strange being downstairs in the basement which was usually considered Drew's bedroom. It was nothing like Eli's shared room with Adam, or even like Eli's old room back in his old house. The light shone in from the large sliding doors to the patio, and even with the curtains closed it was still difficult to ignore the light.

Quietly, Eli crept out of the basement and back upstairs, deciding that while he _had _enjoyed himself that night with both of them; he needed to continue on with his schedule.

He checked on his mother – tucked her in a little bit, and then wandered back upstairs to his room.

Then he read _Great Expectations_.

It wasn't right to torture himself like this, no, he was fully aware that what he was doing wouldn't end well.

But the worst part of his sadness, he supposed, was that he kept coming back for more.

Adam hadn't yet come to the conclusion that he wasn't _actually_ reading Great Expectations, and Eli wanted to keep it that way, always keeping his notes folded nicely when he was finished, and stowing it in the drawer of his bedside table where Adam would never look.

But for now, he'd just read, he'd run his fingers across the dried ink, and he'd try to cry, he really would, but it all seemed so pointless now.

He'd been upstairs for an hour or so, reading the notes, then placing the book on his chest while he stared at the ceiling. Checking the clock on his night-stand, he sighed as he realized he still had quite a bit of time before he could really get up and start his next day.

Killing time, he took a shower, taking a long look at himself in the fogged mirror. It didn't feel like a reflection, it just seemed like he was staring at a painting of a very sad boy, laced with scars. Unable to keep his eyes fixated on himself, Eli brushed his teeth and combed his hair, walking back to his room to change into something more comfortable.

He thought about putting on a tee-shirt, and this was a problem he'd been having for a while. Every time the weather got hotter it became almost unbearable for him to walk around in his long sleeves and jackets, but anything was better than dealing with the conversation that followed when someone witnessed his marks.

He decided on a gray long-sleeve shirt, sighing in defeat as he pulled it over his head, slipping on a pair of navy blue pajama pants just a few moments after.

He checked the time again and was somewhat pleased that he'd made it all the way to 2:00 a.m. without finding himself on the bathroom floor with his head in his hands.

He sat on his bed, his back to the headboard, and he decided he'd read something. Something he enjoyed, certainly not Great Expectations. His thoughts drifted to Clare, and he picked up Diary, deciding to go through a reread a few of his favorite chapters.

He let out a breath of content at the line _"All the effort in the world won't matter if you're not inspired,"_ but his thoughts were interrupted by the gentle knocking on his door. Eli flinched a bit, looking up from his book and gulping silently at the sight of Clare Edwards at his door.

"You're up," she said groggily, making her way into the room like it was her own. Eli pulled his legs up against his chest, and Clare must've taken that as an invitation, sitting at the foot of his bed, and turning to face him.

"Yeah." He responded, setting the book down and trying not to stare, but it seemed to be a bad habit of his.

He wasn't exactly sure what he'd expected her pajamas to look like, but it certainly wasn't this. She wore an oversized tee-shirt, one that could probably fit two of her, and baggy pajama pants with stripes all over them. He didn't know what it was, but something about her quaint personality had him thinking she'd wear an old fashioned night gown or a button-down sleeping shirt with matching pants.

"I woke up and noticed you weren't there…" she started, her fingertips toying with the sheet below them, "I got worried."

He stifled a small smile, holding out his hands as if to show her that he was just fine.

"I don't sleep very well." Eli tried softly, and Clare nodded as if she already knew.

She scooted a bit closer, not in a suggestive way, but a friendly way, like she wanted to comfort him.

"Got something on your mind?"

_Oh boy do I._

"Sort of."

She nodded again, and he noted that it was something she did a lot.

"Why are you up?" He blurted, hoping that maybe he could start a conversation this way, but it had been so long since he'd really tried.

"I heard the shower running," she said sweetly, tilting her head to the side and nudging toward his damp hair. He murmured an apology and she rolled her eyes playfully, shaking her head a bit.

She talked to him a bit, telling him about her home life and her family. She told him that she was raised to be very religious, and this didn't surprise Eli in the slightest but it was nice to be talking to someone again. She told him how she met Adam and how the two of them became friends from the start.

At one point, Eli had gotten so far to ask her what she wanted to do with her life and her blue eyes lit up, "I'm going to be a journalist," she told him, her voice dripping with confidence, and Eli had to admit she became more and more impressive every time she spoke.

"How about you?" Clare tried, pulling her legs up from the side of the bed and sitting with her legs crossed so that they were directly facing each other.

The question was a heavy one, a thought that hadn't occurred to him in a very long time and honestly, Eli had always just assumed he wouldn't get that far.

"I don't know," he told her, shrugging a bit, and Clare didn't seem to take that as an answer.

"Who _are_ you, Eli Goldsworthy?" She asked him, but her tone was welcoming and soft, not like his mother's friends who'd stare when he'd come out of his room.

"I don't know."

She gave him a persistent look, and when Eli came up short once again, it appeared that she had started thinking again.

"I want to know everything. Why you're here…all of it." She insisted, and Eli wasn't really sure what had gotten into him, but he couldn't find an excuse to keep it all hidden from her.

Adam knew, she might as well figure it out from the source before Adam gave in.

So he talked.

He talked for a long time.

At first he told her simple things, that he was never really religious like her, that he grew up without having a whole lot of friends. He told her about Julia, about how he loved her and how she died. He never told her about how he tried to kill himself, but how for a long period of time he had gotten very... _bad,_ and that his parents were very worried about him. He told her about how his father had problems with his heart, and how he used to work with a lot of music. He even dared to go so far as to tell her that his mother was never really the same since his father died, and how they practically ran away from the home he grew up in, and when he was finished, he took in a deep breath and finally made eye contact, only to find that she had been tearing up.

It didn't feel awkward to tell her these things, it felt right. Like he could trust her with anything, like she was his _friend_.

Before he had the chance to tell her that he was sorry for getting carried away, he felt her petite arms wrapping around him. He hesitantly responded to her hug, bringing his arms around her and letting his eyes flutter closed for a moment at the comfort he felt with her like this.

"I'm sorry that those things happened to you, Eli." She told him as she pulled away, and Eli shrugged, shaking his head a bit as if it was nothing. He was surprised that she never brought up how it was all God's plan, or that one day he'd be saved and everything would be fixed, and he appreciated that more than she'd ever know.

She told him that he deserved to live, and that she was really glad he was here and he could feel his heart warming at her sincerity.

They stayed up for a bit longer, just talking, only stopping when Clare let out a soft yawn and leaned over to look at the time. "Oh wow, I didn't even realize…" she giggled, and Eli was surprised to find that it was already 4 o'clock in the morning and probably way later than Clare was used to.

"You'd better go back to sleep." He suggested and she agreed, telling him goodnight and hurrying back into the basement.

He wasn't sure what had happened that night, and he guessed that didn't really matter, but he felt more like himself than he had in a really long time, and he wasn't even sure who he really was anymore, but if this was the direction he was going in, maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all.

_Maybe._


	6. new worries

**A/N**: Hello, Emma here. Can we just take a minute and talk abuot how awesome you guys are for reading this? We're working really hard on it, and the endless amount of support we're getting from you all absolutely baffles me. Remember to leave us a review when you've finished, and I hope you have a marvelous week!

**Rating:** Trigger warning this chapter.

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Su_n by FUN.

**Summary:** _As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him. _

* * *

"_Living just to keep going, going just to be sane. All the while I know it's such a shame._"** Tighten Up | The Black Keys**

"Dude, wake up."

It was more refreshing than he had ever imagined, waking up from a night's sleep that lasted more than forty-five minutes. Eli's eyes fluttered open to find his cousin inches away from his face, giving him a bizarre look. It was only beginning to dawn on him that he'd actually experienced a good night's sleep for the first time in… a long time.

"Sorry. I'm up." Eli said groggily, stretching his arms underneath the blankets. Adam strolled around the room, grabbing a dress shirt from his closet and buttoning it up over top of his tank-top and chest binders. "Where are we going?"

"Church, dude. My mom makes us go at least once a month and today's the day."

The Goldsworthy family was never really religious. They went to church on Easter and Christmas, but that was it. His parents had encouraged him to find himself, and not to let religion run his life, which he'd always done growing up. And when Adam even mentioned church, Eli was unsure of what to say or do. But all of that changed when Adam said:

"Oh yeah, Clare's going to be there."

It wasn't because Eli had developed some sort of crush on Clare, and it wasn't because he was in the mood to go praise the Lord – but he jumped out of bed like his life depended on it. There was something about being around her that made him feel better. She was so outgoing and kind and gentle… while he was the biggest introvert he knew, she radiated goodness and made it possible for him to crawl a little bit out of his shell. She knew a lot about him now, far more than he ever expected to let anyone know while he was living here, and instead of making him feel vulnerable, it made him feel… understood. He had nothing to hide anymore. And all the while he was thinking about how he wanted to know more about her.

Eli hadn't worn a tie since his father's funeral, and he had no plans of wearing one that day until he saw Adam slip one around his neck and had to go running to his mother for help with it. Since it was rare they attended, when they did, they dressed nicely. Just attempting to tie it was giving Eli goose bumps of remembrance of the funeral.

The whole family squished themselves into the Torres family van (the one Audra frequently used to transport the football team after their wins to pizza places and ice cream parlors). Adam and Drew were reluctant to sit in the very back seats, but didn't say a word – only shoving each other constantly and grumbling things like _DUDE. YOU ARE GOING TO MESS UP MY GODDAMN TIE. _

The darker haired boy had never been to church when it wasn't a holiday, so pulling into the parking lot and not seeing Christmas decorations or little stickers of Easter eggs in the windows was a little unfamiliar to him. But he kept himself calm in his unfamiliar place with the reminder that soon he'd be inside, and Clare would be there – and most likely she'd be smiling, which would make him smile.

They all sat in the fifth row from the front, and during worship Eli stood only to get a good look around the room so he could catch sight of Clare. He looked long and hard for the curly haired girl who was always so punctual.

Clare and her mother finally showed up in the middle of the third song, Clare looking rather frazzled. He'd never seen her upset before, but she kept flashing cold glances to her mother as they took their seats two rows ahead of Eli. He hoped it wasn't too weird that he was looking at her the whole time during worship. Sure, every once and a while he'd exchange stares with the churches band, or look beside him at Adam who would be constantly trying to sneak onto his phone to text god knows who.

The worship ended, and then came the announcements and the offerings. Eli always hated the whole offering portion of church. It was so greedy, such a stealthy way to take money from families that could barely afford new clothes, promising that some mystical God would repay them for their giving. _Bullshit. _He thought to himself. He had to put a hand on CeCe's lap to stop her from pulling out her checkbook.

"_Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven. _The Lord commands us that we forgive those who do us wrong – whether it be murder, adultery, stealing… following his word, accepting Jesus into your heart, and forgiveness are key factors that will be our pathway into the gates of heaven. The Father tells us that if we do not follow these things, we will be damned unto Hell."

He wanted to plug his ears for the most part of the pastor's sermon. This was probably why he hated church so much. Who were these people to determine whether or not his friends or, now, family, were to be sent to Hell? Eli slumped in his seat, occasionally checking his phone to see what the time was. The only thing that really kept him going was looking across the rows in front of him just to see the back of her head. To look at the way her curls sat so well against her neck, and how poised she appeared the whole time. He noticed that every once and a while she would be writing down in a journal or something as if she was taking notes.

He was slowly but surely coming to the realization that Clare Edwards was beautiful, though it was obvious from the moment he met her. It was only just becoming known in this moment, in a church, just staring at the back of her head.

He quickly found out that looking at her was for more interesting than whatever the pastor had to say. It was the first time he'd seen her unhappy, and that troubled him a bit, thinking of what could have possibly gone wrong in her little world to make her so upset. Though as the service went on, he noticed she seemed to calm down a bit, and he couldn't help but wonder if all of this _faith_ the man was preaching was actually soothing her.

He remembered the previous night so clearly, which surprised him, seeing as how it felt like he slept forever. He couldn't remember the last time someone had made him feel…okay, not since his father, not since Julia.

Eli flinched as he felt Adam's hand come in contact with his shoulder, and he glanced around to notice that everyone else was standing for another song. He shuffled to his feet, looking at Clare once more only to find that she'd been staring right at him with a small smile on her face.

It reminded him of last night, and how he'd laid out all of his cards. Well, almost all of them. Based on what he knew about Clare Edwards, he thought it'd be best to avoid telling her about his suicide attempt, and about the cuts on his body.

If she knew he'd been hurt, she'd assume he was healing.

But if she knew he hurt himself, she'd try to fix him.

Breaking from his thoughts, she was still looking to him, her smile only more evident, as if trying to get his attention, and he returned the favor, hoping he didn't look ridiculous in his attempts to be friendly.

After two more songs and another fifteen minutes of an excruciatingly boring speech, they were finally done. Drew and Adam had a race to the front, an embarrassed Audra walking quickly after them and Cece remained seated.

"You all right, mom?" He tried, nudging her arm with his shoulder. She looked at him for a second, then quickly averted her gaze, shaking her head side to side and lifting a hand as if asking him to leave. His heart shattered at the sight, and he realized that maybe he should be taking care of her more than he was. Maybe he should be more attentive than tucking her in at night and begging her to eat at dinner. If he didn't, then he'd probably lose her too.

He felt his breath hitch at the thought, his head was spinning again, and though the church was clearing out he still felt so crowded.

Desperate for air, he pushed his way through the small group of people huddling at the back entrance, and made his escape, sitting on one of the steps leading out to the empty back parking lot.

_No no no._ He was supposed to be done with this, all of this was supposed to be over.

He held his head in his hands, and felt his body tremble with fear, clenching his dark locks in his fingers and holding back tears.

His chest was constricting and his breathing became labored, but he was fighting it so hard, trying to make it all stop.

"Eli?" He heard a voice call, and he kept his head lowered, knowing precisely who was talking to him, but not nearly strong enough to show them what he was going through.

The figure took a seat next to him on the steps, and he could hear them take in a breath and release it, obviously coaxing him to do the same, and though it pained him to do so, he followed through, inhaling and exhaling carefully until the pain began to subside.

He, slowly lifted his head to face Clare Edwards, who looked more content than worried, and that in itself made him feel a little better.

"Hi," she said, her voice sweet and careful, bumping her knee against his in a playful motion.

"Hi," he responded, keeping his voice low, and offering her the smallest of smiles.

"Everything all right?" She asked, using the palms of her hands to flatten out the skirt of her dress, and once again he was left wondering how often she went shopping because he'd never seen her repeat an outfit.

"Yeah, it was a little crowded in there, I get claustrophobic." He lied, shaking his head a bit for effect. "How about you? You seemed upset earlier."

Her face seemed to drop at the subject, and he became worried again, suddenly wishing he could crawl inside that head of hers and figure out what was bothering her, a feeling he'd never had before, and wasn't quite sure how to process.

"Yeah it's nothing, my mom and I just got into a little argument and ended up making us late." Her eyebrows furrowed for a second as she thought and then she let out a soft chuckle, running her fingertips through her curled auburn tendrils. "It's silly how we fight. Sometimes it seems like we're pulling arguments out of nowhere…" She trailed off, and Eli felt his heart ache for the girl. If he was being honest, he couldn't imagine her being sad, or hurting, and it made him a little sick to think about, but he wanted to help.

Julia used to get into big fights with her step-mother, fights that ended up with her at his door-step, begging him to make her forget. Fights that left bruises on her arms that Eli would kiss to make the pain go away.

But something told him that Clare's mom wasn't hurting her in that way.

"Did something trigger these fights?" He tried, surprised and impressed with himself for being able to talk to her so easily. Her smile became sad, and she scooted closer, resting her head on his shoulder.

"My parents just split up. My mom's been so angry lately, and I think I'm just bitter about the divorce, so I'm taking it out on her, looking for fights and things like that. It's just been…hard." She confessed softly, twiddling her thumbs in her lap. "I'm sorry," he told her softly, and he wished he had more to say, but he was never all that great with using his words out loud.

"Maybe you need to spend more time with her, do something you both like doing and relive the times when she was the mom you knew before the divorce." He suddenly said, hoping that it all made sense.

"Maybe you're right."

He was growing rather comfortable in this position, just sitting there with her head on his shoulder. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he slowly began to lift his hand, curious as to what it would feel like to hold hers.

"Can I tell you something?" She asked quietly, her voice almost nonexistent.

"Of course you can."

She paused. "You look really nice in a tie."

Now he really wanted to hold her hand.

"There you are! We've been waiting for you!" Adam shouted, his expression shifting to one of confusion when he watched Clare pull away from his dark haired cousin. "Was I interrupting something?" He teased, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Eli widened his eyes, clearing his throat at the uncomfortable situation he'd been placed in.

"No!" Clare rushed to say, her pale cheeks turning a bright pink as she stood, distancing herself from Eli in obvious embarrassment. She and Adam talked for a few moments, but Eli couldn't quite make it out, finding himself getting lost in his own thoughts.

He was getting wrapped up in this girl, in the way she made him feel, and he couldn't deny that the more she spoke, the more he wanted to hear. The two of them fit together, like they were supposed to be close, and the very thought made him scoff, having him thinking back to when he'd gotten so damn corny.

It was hard for him, to open up this way, to really let himself go, but she was bringing it out of him and the thought started to worry him.

How close would she have to get before being torn away from him?

And though they were only friends, it all seemed too familiar. She made him _feel_, she made him think, and in return, life would rip her away from him without a second thought.

So from that moment on he decided that all of this had to stop. No more looking at Clare, no more telling her things about his past; it needed to end before it got any further. It was only a matter of time before something tragic would happen to her and he'd lose her, too. He really couldn't lose anyone else.

Besides, he had no time to focus on Clare and her pretty eyes and the way her laugh made it feel like someone had lifted a very large burden off of his shoulders. There was something wrong with his mother, and while it may have just been the church service triggering memories of the funeral, Eli didn't care. CeCe was first priority, no matter what. School, girls, his own mental state took the back burner when it came to his mother. One sad smile and it would send him on edge.

She hardly said two words on the way back to the Torres', making him far more nervous than he'd intended. They had been invited to a lunch after the service with the rest of the congregation, but CeCe had claimed that she was "too tired" and that Eli could go along with his cousin. Adam didn't wait for an answer, already hearing the word _lunch _and linking arms with Clare and skipping off to her car. Clare was going.

But Eli just… couldn't.

It was only Adam who had abandoned their group for lunch, the rest of the family piling into the van and sitting in total silence. Minus a few questions from Audra that allotted one word answers like _fine _and _yeah. _If CeCe had been feeling the same way about the service that Eli had, he could see why she was so upset over it.

The day continued on in a lonely sort of way. Eli finished up the remainder of his homework at the kitchen table with his mother sitting across from him, reading an old magazine she had found in her bedroom. Eli had hoped that the homework would help take his mind off of his mother, looking absolutely miserable, but it was impossible. He'd glance up after every problem, checking to see if she'd changed pages or if she looked any better than she did a moment before. She almost never did.

Adam didn't return for dinner, everyone assuming he was still out with Clare and that he'd be back before his curfew (which, on school nights was eight), moaning and groaning that he should be able to stay out later, like Drew, who could and would get away with it. Eli was unsure if he enjoyed the silence of the house without his younger cousin around, yapping up a storm on his cell phone to Clare or arguing with a family member or playing video games. Eli either liked it so quiet, or he missed him around.

But then he became nervous that perhaps Adam would be the one so close to him that he'd lose.

_Goddammit, Eli. This is why you don't become close to people._

He slumped into the bathroom, taking his usual night shower where he'd find himself staring in the mirror at his _stupid_ self. God, this was when the voices would get so loud and consume him whole. This is when he started to feel less and less human. This is when he'd give in to the temptation that drove him mad every time he looked into the mirror.

Twenty-seven days.

It had been twenty-seven days since he had hurt himself.

No – _no_, he couldn't start up again. He had just started feeling better about himself, about being around Clare, Adam – everyone. He'd slept that morning, him not taking his pills had been working, hadn't it? He was sure of it! He couldn't start doing this again. But he was.

Eli had learned from his very first cut that it was more addictive than he'd ever imagined. He wondered if it was as addictive as alcohol, like the way his mother had been hooked. Or drugs. In some ways he wished he could crave those things so desperately so that he could be perceived as _normal. _The teenager with the drug problem didn't sound so bad as the cutter. The kid with the decorated arms.

Almost every time he'd make the first microscopic scrape that would turn bloody, he'd get the vivid memory of the first time. It would flash before his eyes, sometimes in black and white and sometimes in color. Like an out of body experience where he would watch himself from the ceiling of the bathroom click his tongue in agony and bring his wrist to his mouth to lick away the small trickle of blood. He'd cut nearly nothing, but it had already hurt more than he'd ever imagined. He kept telling himself that of course it would hurt the first time, that all of this would take some getting used to – that the hurt was the whole part of it. Julia was gone, and he should have been feeling more. A little bit of nerves at her funeral couldn't be all he had been holding in.

So he cut again, a little deeper this time. The color of his blood darker and more than just a trickle that he could just lick away.

He cut again and again, higher up his arm and eventually he came out of a red haze, looking down at his hands in horror – he couldn't leave the room like this, with every part of him covered in his own blood. He looked as if he was trying to kill himself. But he wasn't. He just wanted to feel.

He wasn't trying to kill himself yet.

And here he was now, staring in the bathroom mirror with the razor he'd left in the back of the cabinet between his fingertips wondering where he'd mark himself next.

_Across the stomach._

_A couple empty spots on his wrists._

_One more on his hip bone._

_One two three four, I declare a scar war. Five six seven eight, don't go too deep it'll be too late._

He never cried, he never fucking cried no matter how much he longed to. If he could just cry, things might have been easier. If he cried this would all be over. If he could cry just _one time_ – he wouldn't cut anymore.

Eli showered again, hissing as the water made the pain worse and worse as it worked it's ways in and out of his freshly grazed skin. He dried off, slipped his long-sleeved shirt over his head, and went to make sure his mother went to bed all right. She really always did, but he needed to be sure.

He went to bed himself, staring at the ceiling and listening calmly to Adam's breathing in the bed across from him. Eli was shaking, his body starting to remember how to react when Eli cut again. It had just begun to forget. Twenty-seven days is a long time.

And the numbers flash back to zero.

The blank ceiling reminded him of how when he arrived here, he was supposed to have a blank slate. A clean, fresh, new start. Away from all the memories of his father's death and the slits on his wrists. That was the point of them leaving, right? To run away from their problems? Well, maybe they should have moved more than four hours away, because problems can find you easier than you expect.

It wasn't fair to Clare for Eli to think of her in his times of darkness. He could just picture the look on her face when she would see his arms, how terrified she'd be. She'd surely run away then. Because someone that lovely couldn't stick around after she'd seen the monsters he possessed. How they lived underneath his skin and ran through his blood stream. They were the voices he'd hear when he was in the shower, the visions of years ago that he'd get when he was trying to sleep. They were the worst parts about him, and Clare _couldn't know. _

But thinking about her made things seem less dark. She was so bright and easygoing and turning to her in his thoughts of the past made his whole thought process change. He wanted to think about the future – think about being friends with Clare, and more movie nights and French lessons. He liked being around her, the way she talked, the way she walked, hell, even the way she breathed was perfect. Today he had almost held her hand, just to see what it felt like. What if he kissed her lips, just to see what it tasted like?

No matter how much he wanted to push her away, he didn't think it would be possible. Bright eyes and big smiles only go for so long but someone that caring might be just too good to let go of.

His father was always too good.

Eli finally fell asleep around two thirty, waking up repeatedly around three – three fifteen – three thirty – four. He wanted to sleep longer but the nightmares were too vivid to keep going. Julia was always there and she was always crying. He hated to see her cry.

Christ, it had been four years, couldn't he forget about her already?!


	7. new explanations

**A/N**: Since you all got us to 60 reviews last night at the very last minute, I thought it would be a mega dick move not to update it today. I'm really distracted by watching Parks and Recreation right now but I HOPE YOU ALL REALLY ENJOY THIS CHAPTER. It's a mixture of depressing and adorable so I hope you enjoy it. Also Emma says hi. Keep it real all of you lovelies.

**Rating:** This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we believe it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Sun_ by FUN.

**Summary**: _As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him._

* * *

_"I feel numb most of the time... The lower I get he higher I'll climb and I will wonder why I got dark only to shine."_ **Numb | Marina & The Diamonds**

After another night of restless tossing and turning, Eli rolled out of bed on a Friday morning trying desperately to remember what it had been like to feel so refreshed that day before he went to church.

The thought awakened the rude reminder that he'd given in, and battered the already marred skin of his stomach and wrists. It'd been five days, but he was still feeling sensitive, knowing he might've gone a little too deep.

As if by routine, he tossed a pillow at Adam, who jolted up, glaring at his cousin before plopping back down onto his sheets.

"I don't _wanna_!" He pouted, covering his face with the pillow Eli had thrown. Rolling his eyes, he readied himself for school in the bathroom, being sure to keep himself hidden, and even though Adam knew about his attempt, he'd never been told about the marks on his body, and he wanted to keep it this way.

He and Adam had become close, if you could even call it that. Adam knew about Eli, but not because he'd opened up to him, it was because Audra did. She'd told Adam that Eli had tried to kill himself, but as far as Eli knew, he hadn't go so far as to tell Clare any juicy details he might've known, and he appreciated that.

He didn't need anyone else treating him like a patient.

Rushing down the steps, Eli quickly checked on his mother, who was tucked away in bed. He moved to her side, taking in steady breaths as he assured himself that she was okay, she was alive and she'd be the same when he got home.

Leaving her room, he felt the slightest bit relieved, but it shamed him to know that it was because of what he'd done, and every time he felt the sting on his skin, it was like he was granted some sort of sick pleasure in knowing that everyone wasn't suffering without him.

Sure, he'd faced a lot of hurt. The love of his life died, he'd fallen into a crippling depression and then his father passed away, all of this should've taken a toll on him much like it had on his mother. But he was just so numb, it was like all the pain dissolved itself into memories, haunting him only at night, only there to remind him that he wasn't allowed to be okay.

He'd only told Clare the basics, that his father and girlfriend had tragically died, but he couldn't quite break down the wall to tell her that he hadn't cried at their funerals.

He didn't cry the day after.

He didn't cry at all.

From the moment it happened, it was like he was stripped of it all.

When his father was sick, he wanted to reach out and help. He loved him, he knew that for sure, but after Julia, after everything, it all felt so trivial.

Like he knew how the story would end, and it was only a matter of letting it get to him.

As Drew and Adam scurried out the front door with their backpacks in hand, Eli stopped in his tracks to turn back into the kitchen where Audra was readying herself for her day. He knew she didn't go into work until a bit later today, and that she'd still need to have her cup of coffee.

"Hey – um, could you make sure she eats something?" He asked softly, and she flashed him a smile that looked a little off on a face that was usually so stern.

She assured him he would, and he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders as he got on the bus.

…

The school day went by quickly, as it usually did and it was almost tiring to him that so many students were complaining about their workload. To him, it was simple. He developed a quick plan to get everything done, and then he'd follow through.

When he'd first began cutting, and when things started to get bad, he was horrible at school. In fact, he hardly showed up. But with the threats of being sent to a hospital and more therapy, he got his act together.

He and Adam walked side by side down the hall, making their way toward the front entrance. They were casually ranting about movies and video games (well, Adam speaking mostly, and Eli listening – occasionally throwing in a comment when absolutely needed), when they heard the clacking of shoes getting louder and louder. Clare giddily squeezed between them, a radiant smile on her face as usual as she put her arms around both their shoulders, having to walk on the tips of her toes considering her height.

They walked together like this, and things felt so off to Eli. It was so nice like this, to have people who are always with you, to know exactly who you can talk to, even if it was only about the little things. He wondered if this meant he was getting better and the stinging on his wrists told him otherwise.

As they were nearing the entrance a group of guys wreaking arrogance started coming from the other direction, laughs being exchanged between them.

"Hey Edwards!" One of them called out, laughing as the remaining members of the group pushed him forward. The three of them turned, and Clare nodded a bit, bringing her arms back down to her sides and looking toward them, her face bright red at the sudden interaction.

"Quick question," he laughed, one of his friends shoving his shoulder as if urging him to continue, "would it be considered a sin for you to get on those pretty knees of yours and…" he didn't continue, though he made the gesture with his hands, his friends erupting with laughter, shouting out more profanities as she turned away, Adam coming up quickly behind her and leaning in close to talk to her quietly.

Eli was fuming, clenching his fists at his sides as he stared at the group.

It didn't make sense to him.

She was so innocent, so kind and loving. All she did was care and give and believe in her faith and _this _is what she gets.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt angry, the last time he'd been consumed with rage, but this was something he couldn't leave untouched. Dropping his bag to the floor, Eli took a step toward the boy who had spoken up, someone whose name he didn't care to know.

"Is there something you want to say?" The boy chuckled, looking back for the approval of his friends.

Eli shook his head, and without much thought, he stepped further toward them until he was less than a foot away from the guy who'd spoken up.

"_How dare you speak to her like that, you piece of shit–" _Eli could hardly finish his sentence before he felt himself being sent back by his push, and off in the distance he heard Adam shouting at him, telling him to get out of there.

"Don't touch him…" Clare's soft voice spoke up to say, and from the corner of his eye he saw her holding Adam back from jumping in himself.

They were crowding around him, and he held his ground, keeping his glare firm to dissuade them from thinking they could scare him.

Who he presumed was the leader of their little group pushed him hard again, almost knocking Eli to the ground, and he finally took action, shoving him against the wall with all the strength he could muster. This must've set them off, and as if on cue, the group of what appeared to be about 4 or 5 huddled closer, pulling and shoving to prepare for the inevitable beating that was coming his way.

In his blind anger, Eli hadn't accounted for who he was up against, and he winced in pain as they threw him around like their own personal punching bag.

"Hey!" He heard a low voice say, surprised to look out to find Drew, pushing through and grabbing his arm to pull him out of the madness. Eli stumbled backwards, falling into the arms of Clare and Adam. Drew fearlessly stepped up towards the leader, who'd been watching quizzically.

"We were just kidding around with his little girlfriend and it looks like the freak let some of his crazy out." He argued, a laugh following his words, and Drew gripped the boy's collar in his hands, pulling him to face level as he spoke.

"That _freak_ is my cousin, and if I ever see you or your little clones near him again then you can kiss your spots on first string goodbye."

It was then that Eli noticed that these guys were obviously all football players, and with Drew being the captain, he was impressed that he was using his authority as a threat. They all rolled their eyes, making snide comments under their breath as they walked off, a couple of them banging on the lockers as they rounded the hallway.

Drew hastily turned around to the three of them. "Eli, are you okay?"

Eli nodded, speechless. The clearly much stronger football players pushing him around was the least of his problems at the moment. He quickly pulled on the hems of his shirt sleeves. Though they were already down quite enough, he felt exposed. His body felt the way it usually would after a night in the bathroom. Shaky and unwoven. All he had to do was breathe and he'd calm down eventually. Whenever that would be.

"Clare? Adam? You two are good?" Drew checked over the two of them and then walked off, giving Eli a silent thank you by patting him on the back before he disappeared down the hallway. Eli leaned against one of the lockers nearby, taking a few seconds to catch his breath.

"Dude, are you insane?" Adam threw his hands into the air, pacing in front of the two of them. "What'd you go and do all that for?"

Eli shot his cousin a confused glare. "They were making fun of Clare!"

"They make fun of Clare _all the time! _They've been fucking with the two of us since grade nine, we learn to accept it! We don't mess with them because we know that it isn't worth it. Goddammit, you're so fucking stupid sometimes." Adam muttered under his breath. A lot of the things Adam was saying wasn't true, he was just upset. Even though Eli was older, Audra had given Adam specific instructions to take care of Eli at Degrassi, and this was surely violating some sort of mother-son code. Running his fingers through his brunette hair, Adam shook his head.

"He's not stupid, Adam." Clare stepped in, placing a hand on her best friends shoulder. "It was a stupid thing to do, but he's not stupid." She then turned to Eli, her eyes full of sympathy and worry. Eli had seen these eyes before, in his mother's when she was always worried about his tendencies. But Clare's were clearer, still more bright and far more blue than he'd ever noticed before. "You didn't have to do that, honestly… I'm used to it – both of us are."

"Well…" Eli swallowed, his gaze completely and totally locked with hers. Staring at her eyes made him scared in a way, but the kinds of ways where his stomach churned unexpectedly and he just wanted to feel her head on his shoulder again. "Well it won't happen again." He promised. "No one is going to mess with you ever again, Clare. Okay?"

Adam laughed. "Yes, because next time you're going to handle it as well as you did today, aren't you? Drew won't always be around to rescue us, Eli!"

"Adam!" Clare shouted. She shoved his arm, a look of slight anger and disapproval on her pretty little face. "Will you stop it? Eli is just trying to be nice. He's being really…" Clare looked over at him, her voice dropping several octaves as it seemed like feelings had begun to hit her like a ton of bricks. "You're being really sweet."

"We're going to miss the bus." Adam stated, no real form of emotion in his voice.

Adam was right, the three of them standing at the empty bus stop in an awkward sort of way. Adam was crossing his arms, trying to ride out his mixed version of anger and confusion, while Clare and Eli were wrapped up in silence, their arms continually brushing against each other's like it was all planned.

"Well," Clare said cheerfully, trying to shake off the unhappy mood. "I guess we'll just have to walk home."

"I _don't _want to walk home." Adam snapped.

That had struck Clare's last nerve. Eli had seen bits and pieces of Clare upset before, but he had never seen her really, truly, have a blowout. Adam hadn't seen one in what felt like ages, and Clare tried to keep them rare and concise. This was no different. "Knock it off, Adam Torres! Eli was nice enough to try and stick up for me, for _us_ and you're acting like this? Just stop it. Go back to being happy-go-lucky, the guy that didn't care when we got teased! You're being such a jerk and I don't think you even know it. Take a deep breath, get over it, and _don't _call Eli stupid." She was blurting things out loud and fast, neither Eli nor Adam quite sure how to react. "Now we're going to walk home, Eli is going to tutor me in French, and we're going to have movie night. Okay?"

Adam stared at her blankly for a moment before nodding. "Okay."

Problems were resolved easily between Clare and Adam because Clare was always good at getting her point across. She'd learned this skill from her mother after watching her in many heated fights between her and her father. Clare often wondered why her mother had never become a lawyer, because her mother always had the right answers to things. When she was right, she made it a point to make sure everyone knew. It was a loved and hated flaw in her.

The sun had begun to come out, as it was nearing the middle of springtime. Sometimes there were days when it was the most perfect temperature between warm and cool, and you could just sit outside for ages and just enjoy the sight of the sun and feel the cool breeze of the wind. But today, unfortunately, was not one of those days. And of course, one of the hot sort-of days would be the day they couldn't take the bus. The football players just _had_ to show up today.

Adam complained a lot, though he really shouldn't have. The guy was wearing short sleeves. Eli was the one truly suffering. And Adam had made it point to mention it several times.

"Seriously, I don't know how you're not dead right now in that shirt." Adam pointed. It was almost as if the boy had completely forgotten about the fight that was only twenty minutes before. He was laughing and moaning and groaning about the heat within a matter of minutes. Like he flipped a switch and everything was fine. Eli wished it could only be that easy. "If I didn't have these fucking chest binders under this shirt, I'd be running around shirtless all the time. Holy smokes, how hot is it out here? Is it like forty out here?"

"It's only twenty-six, Adam." Clare held up her phone as proof, the weather channel flashing upon the screen. Adam groaned.

"I want to take a bath in ice cubes. Or swim in Antarctica. Christ, Eli, even looking at you in that long sleeved shirt is making it hotter out here."

Eli shrugged his shoulders. "It's not hot for me." He lied. It was _so _hot. And if it weren't for the scars, he probably would take his shirt off. Well, that, and if Clare weren't around. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable. "You're just weird." Eli smiled, nudging his cousin a little.

"We'll be home in two minutes, Adam, don't get too worked up about it." Clare smiled.

"For fucks sake, kid, at least roll up your sleeves. You're going to pass out from heat exhaustion."

"I'm fine." He tried to assure him. But that was obviously not enough. Adam reached over towards Eli's arms, grasping at the fabric of his sleeves. Nervous, Eli jerked his arm back and folded his arms over his chest uncomfortably. "Seriously, Adam, I'm fine. Like Clare said… we'll be home in a few minutes."

They were on their street now, and though the house was in view, to Eli it looked a million miles away. Only a little while longer and he could be inside the house, away from Adam's teasing, and back to the comforts of the bathroom. Not that the bathroom was really a comforting place in reality.

"C'mon, Goldielocks, afraid to show your hot bod in front of Clare?" Adam joked, lunging forward again. Eli took a few steps back in fear. No, no. Having Adam realize the reason for his long sleeved shirts in private would be bad, but manageable. But Clare? No, no… he couldn't. "Eli's a wittle baby, isn't he?" It was unexpected to Eli how well Adam had his fingers latched onto the bottom of his shirt and how fast he had pulled it up. His stomach was only shown for a matter of seconds before Eli could pull it down, but it was enough for the both of them to look at him.

Adam's laugh had gone absolutely silent.

"What the hell?" Adam whispered. "Dude are you… have you been…"

"Adam, don't." Clare reached for Adam's arm, but Adam pulled away.

Adam was never one to really have a filter. Clare had grown to know this, and Eli was beginning to recognize this, but not enough apparently. In a few quick movements, Adam grabbed at the sleeve of his frozen cousins shirt, pulling it up to expose his battered arm. Eli stared at the ground. This was it. He was out, now.

They were only a few houses away, he could make a run for it if he really wanted to. Clare covered her mouth, trying not to look at his marks.

"Dude… this isn't… okay." Adam said slowly, his cousin finally looking up to make eye contact with him. Eli shook his head, finally snapping out of whatever he had been sucked into, and pulling down his shirt sleeve.

"I have to go."

Eli took off, walking as fast as he could, it turning into what seemed like a run up the street to the house not too far off.

"Eli!" Clare shouted, running after him for a brief moment before stopping dead in her tracks. She turned to Adam. "We need to go talk to him."

"I don't know what to say!" Adam blurted out. His cheeks were as red as a tomato from embarrassment. "I caused all of this. Fuck, I'm so fucking –"

"I'll talk to him. I've talked to him before." Clare thought out loud, nodding her head as she started back to the house again. "Just give me a few minutes."

The darker haired boy was a wreck about now, in his shared bedroom, on the ground because he had missed the bed, staring at the ceiling like maybe it would save him from the rest of the night now. Maybe Clare would go home, so he wouldn't have to see her – he'd just have to think about her.

But his bedroom door creaked open, tiny knuckles knocking on the door and her head peeping around the bend.

"Eli?" Clare whispered, testing the waters before she even dared to enter his room. "Are you okay? I was worried…"

Shaking his head, Eli looked up at her with sad eyes. "It's obvious I'm not okay. You've seen them." She knew what he was referring to. Clare stepped inside, closing the door softly behind her. She sat down on the floor in front of him, only a few feet away and crossed her legs like he was, mirroring him. There was some old technique that if you mimicked another person's actions, it would calm them down. Clare knew a lot about calming people down.

"You don't have to be nervous, Eli. You don't have to hide things from me." She reached her hand out to him, reaching for his arm. "May I see?"

He hesitated, but eventually gave in, rolling up the sleeves of both of his arms and holding them out to her. This was so humiliating. Eli wondered if she knew how pathetic he felt – but by the look in her eyes, she was much more worried about other things.

"I don't do it anymore." Eli said quickly, but Clare shook her head, running her thumbs over the cuts from the previous week.

"These look new to me."

Eli hissed, knowing she was right. "It was a relapse. One night, okay? It happens…"

"You don't have to explain." Clare said softly, sweetly. Eli nodded. "How long have you been doing this?"

"Three years or so. After Julia died." Eli admitted. Even over all the cuts and bruises, where it would usually be so painful to graze his fingers over, Clare was so delicate… it didn't hurt as much. In fact, it felt comforting.

"You know, they say people that cut themselves have suicidal tendencies." Clare continued to softly rub his arms, scooting an inch or two closer to him. "You don't have to tell me anything, but know that I'm around…"

"I have." Eli choked out, looking off to his side. "I tried to kill myself a little while after Julia was gone. I didn't, though, and… this was just a habit I couldn't break. I can't – I don't know if I even want to." Clare finally looked up into his eyes, making sure that the two of them shared eye contact. She could sense how nervous he was, how his eyes were wide and how his hands were shaking. She let out a deep breath, and smiled.

"You've got a lot to live for, you know." Clare told him. He'd heard this speech before. "And I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're staying here with Adam, and that we've grown to be friends… I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me these things. And if you ever need me, Eli, if you're ever feeling bad like you did the night you tried to kill yourself – you have my number. We don't even have to talk. We can just sit there on the other line with each other and you'll know I'm there. I just want you to know… I'm here."

He was staring at her now, and he couldn't imagine how she'd gotten to be the way that she is. So kind and compassionate, someone who really believes that life is worth living. She looked back at him in the same way, and they sat in silence for a minute as he caught his breath.

Her hands moved to hold his, and she didn't even make a second glance at his scars, giving him a small smile and whispering that he'd be okay.

But it just wasn't true.

None of it ever was.

"If all else fails…I'm glad I met you, Clare Edwards." He told her, and the sentiment was real, though his voice was dejected and low, as if it pained him to say and he wondered if she could tell that his head was reeling.

It was that day that Eli vaguely remembered what it felt like to hurt, why he'd gotten so bad in the first place. He didn't deserve this, he didn't deserve Clare, caring about him and wishing him the best. She was incredible, and that scared him. He wanted to fight off her demons, to be her hero. She made him want to be better.

But he just _couldn't_.

A few moments later, there was a knocking at the door, and Eli panicked upon thinking that it was Adam coming to give him another speech about how life was beautiful. "I don't…want to talk to him." He mumbled, and Clare gave him a look, shaking her head as if to dismiss his words.

"I really think you should. He's a better listener than you think."

And with that she was gone, letting her hands linger on his as she slipped away and out the door, where Adam had been waiting, with a hand on the back of his neck. He didn't look sad, mostly embarrassed, like a child who'd slipped up and said a bad word.

He shut the door behind him, and began pacing around the room, leaving Eli uncomfortable by just sitting on the floor. It was all so forced, so awkward and he rolled up his sleeves, standing up and hoping that it would get him to say something.

"My mom said – she said that you tried to…you know…" he started, and Eli let out a long sigh, already not liking where this conversation was going, and already searching for the nearest escape route.

"Kill myself. I tried to kill myself." Eli stated, finding out that in order to get this going and over with, he'd probably need to help him out.

"Dude, this is heavy." He breathed, the freckled boy finally finding the will to stop and look directly at his cousin. "I just don't…get it. I know you're sad, Eli. I know that. But it's like, you've got all these secrets and you keep yourself so quiet that _no one_ can help you!" Adam's voice was soft but strained, like he'd been fighting off tears and his face had turned red.

"Have I not made it clear that I don't _want _any help?" Eli seethed, and for the second time that day, he was angry. He was really angry. "What else do I have to do? How quiet do I have to be before everyone will justleave me alone?"

Adam was hurt, but he quickly recovered, shaking his head and chuckling lowly. "You've got to be fucking kidding me, man. I haven't said one word about your past since the first night you got here. I've given you space, and I've even tried to make you feel welcome but you're not giving me a chance. What you're doing to yourself is wrong and you need to get help."

He didn't want to do this, to argue with Adam. He liked Adam, he liked being around him, but everything he was saying was setting him off, and he couldn't quite hold back anymore.

"I didn't ask you to do any of that! I didn't ask you to be my own personal welcoming committee and I certainly didn't ask you to lift up my shirt - you see me every day! You see that I'm fine, that everything's okay. I don't need anything, just leave me alone!" He was desperate to escape, to run out the door and never come back, to finish what he'd started just a few years ago.

"All everyone wants is for _you _to be happy!"

It wasn't true, it couldn't be true. Cece didn't care, she'd wish he was gone. She'd never have to see his face again, his face that looked just like his father's. Adam wouldn't have to lead him around like a sick puppy and Clare wouldn't have a charity case. He was a burden, a burden on everyone including himself and it pained him to know that he'd stuck around this long.

He shook his head, running his hands through his hair as he tried to fight off all the horrible memories. Pill bottles stacking higher and higher, nights spent scraping Cece off the floor, Julia's funeral, watching the heart rate on his father's monitor become a single straight line. It was tormenting him, and he couldn't break out.

He needed something, anything, some kind of release but there was nowhere to go and his vision was getting foggy and he just wanted to be alone.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…" He muttered, his body trembling with fear as his weak knees struggled to keep him up.

"Eli, calm down. You've got to calm down. I need you to calm down." Adam spoke softly, grabbing his cousin's shoulders. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He breathed, watching as Eli unfolded in front of him.

Such a heavy question, so much to say. But he was so scared and so angry and had no intention of treating Adam like one of his therapists. He lifted his head to face him, trying to gather enough breaths to speak.

"I don't know." He choked out, and Adam trapped him in a hug that knocked the wind out of him.

Pulling away, the younger boy wiped below his eyes with the back of his sleeve, clearing his throat as he straightened himself out. "Things have sucked for you, I know. But right now you need to focus on getting better, not helping yourself get worse." He told him, and Eli blinked in response.

"Now clean up and bring your ass to the basement; its movie night."

Clare was waiting at the kitchen table, and though it was Friday, and Eli was supposed to tutor her, it became obvious to everyone there that French tutoring was not happening tonight. She smiled up at the two cousins, walking down the stairs. It looked like they'd worked it out. Clare hoped that they'd worked it out.

They all decided to watch _Inglorious Basterds_ because somewhere along the line Eli had mentioned that it was one of his favorite films. Clare and Eli shuffled down to the basement while Adam made a bag of _PopSecret_ in the microwave for the three of them. Most of it would be devoured by Adam, all of them knew that, but he separated it into three bowls just for common courtesy.

Usually, when everyone did things the way they were supposed to – it was Clare who sat in the recliner, Eli on the couch, and Adam sprawled out on the loveseat. But there was something different about tonight – there was a thickness in the air that made it almost hard to breathe, like there was some kind of smoke in the room. Things were mixed up, and with Adam up in the kitchen popping popcorn, Clare sat down on the loveseat, making sure there was plenty of room beside her.

He didn't give it much thought. There was room beside her, and she was so warm and inviting that the small edge of space next to her just seemed like such a brilliant idea. But it made his stomach churn and his head ache… but he slowly sat beside her, their bodies becoming suddenly dangerously close.

Trying to get situated, he nudged her arm. "Sorry."

"No," Clare smiled. "Don't be sorry. It's fine."

God, there was this way about when Clare Edwards looked at him, that made everything he ever thought was wrong seem right. All the bad thoughts in his head vanished for a split second, leaving him only with the small aching memory of them. But when she looked away, they'd all flood back, mixed with the flickering picture of Clare's eyes, burning holes into his brain.

"Well, fuck you guys too." Adam scoffed, placing all three of the popcorn bowls down on the coffee table in the middle of the room. "Stealing my seat? Is something going on that I don't know about?"

"What? No, Adam!" Clare rushed to say. Eli didn't say anything.

"This'd better be the last time I see you two in my spot or you'll get more than a _fuck you_." Adam threatened.

Then they started up the movie.

It was almost like the whole afternoon had never happened. Like Eli didn't have a black eye coming in the next day, or that his whole body ached and pained from not only the physical abuse, but the mental as well. Halfway through the movie – it was like neither of them had seen his scars.

But halfway through the movie, it was like Eli had been struck with some sort of overwhelming confidence.

He looked down between him and Clare, her hands sitting so formal-like in her lap. He stared and stared, licking his lips and letting out a breath. It couldn't be that difficult, could it? He hadn't done anything like this in years. He quickly reached between them, into her lap, snatching up one of her hands in his own, stitching his fingers between hers. She'd been caught off-guard, jumping only slightly until she realized what was happening. And that's when she smiled.

If only he had seen her smiling.

Now he knew – he knew what it was like to hold Clare Edwards hand. They were soft, and delicate. He feared that if he held it too tightly it might break in his grasp. That if he squeezed, it might disintegrate and he'd lose the warm feeling he'd been gathering in the palm of his hand. In a while, their hands might get sweaty. He wasn't ever going to let go.


	8. new feelings

**A/N**: Okay, hi, hello everyone it is I, Emma. Here to tell you that you're going to love this chapter, though I think I say that with every update. I just really like this fic, okay. Reminder that if you did not see it on mine or Becca's blog, if we get to 100 reviews we will update immediately. So keep on doing what you're doing and enjoy!

**Rating:** This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we believe it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Degrassi or the song Sight Of The Sun by FUN.

**Summary:** As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him.

* * *

_"And three words on the tip of my tongue. Not to be spoken or sung or whispered to anyone. Til I scream them at the top of my lungs."_** Patient Love | Passenger **

_Band practice,_

_I won't be home until late._

_Adam_

Eli's tired eyes surveyed the small slip of paper that had been attached to the fridge by a circular magnet. It was a bit of a relief to have some kind of information as to why he'd been completely alone when he got up in the morning. He knew his aunt and uncle had left with Cece to spend the day together, and he heard Drew leave earlier in the day, but when he turned to find that even his youngest cousin was gone, he found himself a little anxious at the idea of being completely alone. It was nice. But it had been a while.

He'd gotten a little sleep the previous night, which surprised him, seeing as how the day had been anything but relaxing. He remembered the way Clare's hand held his, and how comfortable he could feel when he was around her.

It was dangerous for him, thinking like this, especially after what she'd seen, he feared for a split second that maybe she only spent so time with him because she felt like she could put him back together. But that wasn't Clare, and he knew that for sure.

He could already tell things were changing with Adam, and it'd only been a night. He'd said nothing as he climbed into bed the night before, not even going so far as to tell him goodnight, and he hoped that maybe things would go back to the way they were.

His talk with Adam was unsettling to say the least, and Eli found himself in the bathroom staring at a lone razorblade for a large portion of the night. He was so tempted to dive in a little deeper, make a mark that would last longer than the others, but when his fingertips grazed the metal he thought of Clare and he couldn't bring himself to do it.

He wasn't sure what this meant, and quite frankly he wasn't looking to find out, hoping that maybe the feelings would go away, and that he wouldn't have to catch his breath every time she shot him a smile. Sure, things with Adam were rocky, but he knew that would pass. He wasn't sure he could handle it to make Clare angry with him.

He stared at the contents of the fridge for a while, feeling a little excited at the prospect of eating a real breakfast, something he hadn't gotten to experience in ages. He assumed, that after having come clean, that would mean he was officially off the hook.

No medication, no problem. He could handle all the rest on his own. Everything was fine.

It had to be.

Eli didn't lose faith in his newfound sanity when his stomach began to churn, and he tried to remain positive as he nibbled on half of a breakfast bar before tossing the rest away.

He sat in silence, staring off into nothing as he tried to process exactly what he was feeling.

He wanted to say content, because he'd been alone in the house for a couple of hours and he hadn't tried to kill himself yet.

But maybe he spoke too soon.

The house was so quiet, and after a while, he began to think that maybe the walls were starting to cave. He decided he needed a distraction, and he hurried upstairs to put on clothes for the day.

His wardrobe was practically all the same, long sleeve shirts to hide his sliced arms and a pair of jeans that he usually picked at random. When he was younger, he'd go all out, wearing eyeliner and coloring in his nails with a black sharpie, but when things started to fall apart, the goth phase must have went with it.

He checked his homework, making sure it was all done, and then even decided to start the English project that wasn't due for a month.

He felt at peace being alone, but only when he kept himself busy.

The doorbell rang after about 30 minutes of writing, and he debated with himself whether he would answer it or not, ultimately deciding that it could be someone who forgot their key and was locked out of the house.

Opening the door, Eli couldn't help but notice his expression brighten when he saw it was Clare at his doorstep. She had on a floral blouse and a navy blue skirt, her hair was pulled back in a way she'd never done it before, and once again, he found her to be beautiful.

This was starting to be a problem.

"Um…Adam's at band practice." He told her, slightly confused as to how she didn't already know that.

Her smile dropped a bit, like she was disappointed, but she stayed, shaking her head a bit. "Yeah…yeah I know. I'm here for you, actually." She told him, her voice getting softer toward the end of her statement, and he raised his brow, looking at her quizzically.

"Me?"

"We never got a chance for you to tutor me, yesterday… so I just thought… today you could help me study."

His features softened at once, and he opened the door just a bit wider, gesturing for her to come inside. He followed her into the living room, and she began flipping through her binder absentmindedly. Everything was labeled and kept under corresponding tabs with worksheets and planners on nearly every page.

"I like keeping things organized." She quipped upon noticing that he'd been staring right at her, and he smirked characteristically, holding up his hands in defense. He liked this, being with her, just the two of them surrounded by still air and only the sounds of their voices. This made him feel safe, but he wouldn't dare tell her something like that.

"Do you want some water or something?" He spoke up, clearing his throat at the end of his sentence when he noticed he sort of blurted it out of nowhere. Clare looked up at him from her bag and nodded sweetly, flashing him a small smile that sent his heart soaring.

He wasn't sure what he was doing, letting himself feel this way, letting himself get caught up in her pretty eyes and electric smile; it was dangerous, so dangerous, especially for him. He hurried to the kitchen, grabbing two bottles of water for the both of them before returning back to where she had set up. Walking in, he noticed the girl sitting on the floor with her legs crossed and he chuckled softly, deciding to join her, though he wasn't sure why she hadn't just taken a seat on the couch she was resting her back on.

He turned to look toward her, catching his breath when he noticed how close they were, their lips were inches apart and for the first time in years, he wondered what it'd be like to lean in and give in to what he'd never admit that he wanted.

She seemed to be doing the same thing, and he caught her glancing between his eyes and his lips for only a split second, before turning toward the table again.

He began to flip through the pages of her binder, telling her all that she'd need to know about complex sentence structures in the French language, but something about her seemed a little off as she nodded along to everything he said.

"I don't think I need to study." She said softly after only about 10 minutes of working, and Eli immediately made more space between them, suddenly embarrassed that he'd made her uncomfortable. He gulped silently, bringing a hand to the back of his neck as he thought back to anything that he could've done to make her want to leave.

His thoughts came to a quick pause when a noticed a coy smile spreading across her lips.

"You've helped so much already…I think I'll be fine now that you've refreshed my memory." She explained, though her reasoning made very little sense.

He let out a breath, relieved that she wasn't running away from him, and feeling somewhat smug for figuring out what was happening here. "Clare Edwards, did you plan this just so you could spend time with me?" Eli chided, feeling more like himself in that statement than he had in a while.

She blushed, reaching across to playfully push his arm, not daring to make eye contact.

"No! I didn't…"

"I'm just teasing, Clare." Eli grinned. His mouth was starting to ache a little bit – he hadn't smiled this much in ages. "I'm just not sure why you'd want to hang around me in the first place. I'm honestly not all that interesting. You'll probably get bored within a few hours."

Clare shook her head, her lips mimicking the large smile he was sporting. He noticed how when she shook her head, her curls bounced just a little. "Now I'm sure when we get bored, we can find something else to do. We could play a game or make something to eat or watch a movie –"

"No," Eli cut her off. Clare wanting to be around him had sparked something in his brain that he hadn't felt in a very long time. It was confidence – or something along the lines of it. He placed his hand over top of hers on the carpet. It was almost like the night before, only their fingers weren't intertwined and his heart didn't feel like it had fallen deep into the pit of his stomach. Things felt _okay_. Just like how Clare had felt when he'd first met her. Okay. "No, we watch enough movies with Adam. I want to talk with you and… listen to you, not listen to a movie. Is that weird of me to say?"

"No, not at all." The girl's cheeks were turning bright red, her ears burning up in a flustered sort of way. "Adam has a few board games up in his room. We could play Monopoly or Scrabble or –"

"I like Scrabble." Eli stopped her. Clare slowly got to her feet, unfortunately having to let go of the feeling of their hands being close to each other. If it hadn't been obvious already, the two of them were bubbling over with feelings that were comprehensible at this point. The in-like stages.

They didn't have to say anything else other than a smile and a quick scurry upstairs to his bedroom. Clare had almost forgotten that both of the boys shared a room together, and without saying much, or asking for permission, she went into the back of Adam's closet, pulling out the board game and beginning to set it up on Eli's bed on the opposite side of the room. Eli was glad he'd made his bed this morning.

That one thing about Clare, the way she made herself at home without any idea otherwise, Eli liked it a lot. She didn't have to ask too many questions unless it was absolutely needed, and she made things easier for him. He wondered if she thought she had to do these things to help him out, or if it was just in her nature. He assumed it was the latter – and he liked it that way.

He sat down across from her, crossing his legs and leaning slightly against his headboard. And suddenly, a thought sprang its way into his head. Usually it would cause him hurt, but in this case, it made him smirk.

"You know," he started, and Clare glanced up from flipping over the little tiles that's letters were facing upwards, "I haven't had a girl on my bed since grade ten." He chuckled, reaching over to her to pick up his seven tiles. "Actually, now that I think about it – aside from last night, I haven't had a girl in my _room _since grade ten."

Clare smiled. "If it makes you feel any better, I've never had a boy in my room."

"Seriously?" Eli asked, surprised. She was definitely pretty enough for boys to find interest in her. He was finding interest in her. "That doesn't make any sense." Clare slowly spelled out the word _animals_ on the board all in one move.

"Make sense or not, it's true. Whether it be my overbearing mother, or my abstinence promise, I've never had a boy in my room before." Clare answered casually. She was always easy to open up about things, especially when it was people like Eli, the quiet type – the one that was so undeniably trustworthy. He paused from taking his turn to look up at her curiously.

"Abstinence promise?" Eli pondered. "That means you save your virginity for marriage, right?"

She nodded in agreement. "I was little when I made it, but I still feel like I'm responsible to keep it." Clare twiddled a ring off of her finger, handing it over to him so he could examine it. _True Love Waits. _"I was probably like eight or nine when they gave this to me, and I know back then I was young and naive… but it feels wrong not to go through with what I promised. Does that make sense? I probably sound silly –"

"It doesn't sound silly." He handed the ring back to her. "It's nice…and refreshing." He fiddled around with his letters some, eventually spelling out _sadistic_ on the end of her _animals_. "You're nice and refreshing." It was uttered so quietly, but the whole room was silent. She heard him, and she smiled.

"What kinds of music do you like, Eli?" She asked, spelling _abridge _on Eli's _sadistic_. Music was often a tough topic when it came to Eli. It was mixed with nerves and memories of Julia or his father, but today things seemed easier, calmer, he was more collected and when Clare asked him questions, he felt weightless. No bad memories to tie him down like those anchors, the ones constantly yanking on his heart.

"A few years ago I liked a lot of punk rock. Hardcore metal… things that my father liked…" he paused, as if searching for a way to describe that his taste in music had evolved greatly since back then. "His radio station played a lot of those sort of things. But my girlfriend, Julia, she liked a lot of indie stuff. I put up with it at first, but after she died – I kind of felt comfort in it. It was like she was still there through music. Through acoustic guitars and soft voices, unlike what I liked – electric guitars and yelling."

Clare gave him a look, giving him a sympathetic smile, but being good enough to let the topic drift away if that's what he wanted. Feeling a surge of what felt like confidence, he sat up a bit straighter, clearing his throat before speaking up again. "How about you? What kind of music do you like?"

"All kinds, I think." She admitted to him with a coy smile, and Eli chuckled to himself as her expression twisted into one of distaste. "Except for the yelling music you mentioned."

He thought it'd be amusing to see Clare listening to any of the stuff he listened to back in his better days. He was almost positive if he checked her collection of albums, he wouldn't be surprised at all, country ballads and happy pop songs that she got ready to in the morning, songs that made her smile that pretty smile and dance like she didn't have anything to worry about.

"It's your turn." She told him, her eyes boring into his.

It scared him to feel so comfortable with her, to think that just an hour ago he was alone, left with those horrible thoughts that he has to chase away with distractions. He was doing so well without the pills, so well on his own, or so he thought.

He was desperate to be like his cousins, to be like Clare. To be happy and okay and normal, but ironically enough, the walls he put up to keep people out ended up being the ones that let the bad thoughts in, and when no one was around to keep him going, the walls would crumble and he'd get sick again, without ever saying a word.

Maybe he knew that what he was doing was wrong, and maybe he just didn't care. Because if he lost it all and died, he'd at least have these moments that mattered, the moments that meant something to him. The moments he spent with Adam playing video games, or movie nights or sitting out at the pond, the studying and the games of scrabble.

These things felt right to him.

But nothing can stay right forever, can it?

Clare knew a lot now, she knew about his father, his girlfriend, and when he'd tried to end his life, but she didn't know he was still fighting. She didn't know he'd try again and again if he really felt he needed to.

Realizing he'd become trapped in his thoughts, Eli shook his head, mustering a grin and set out another word, arranging the tiles so that none of them were crooked, or out of their boxes.

After a while of playing the two seemed to be keeping track of their letters less and less, simply laughing and throwing the tiles at one another when they weren't paying attention.

Clare watched in amusement, resting her chin on her hand as she leaned forward to examine the board. "You're good, Goldsworthy. But not good enough." Clare chided excitedly, playing another word that seemed to send him further and further into defeat.

"Jesus Clare, I didn't even know half of your words existed."

Clare shot him a knowing smile, proud of her extensive vocabulary that she'd developed through years of practice. "Perks of being an aspiring journalist, I guess."

He wondered what that was like, to know exactly what you wanted to be, to get excited and to look forward to a future for yourself.

It all seemed so foreign.

After their game, Clare promptly accepted her victory, giving Eli a sly smile when he suggested they have a rematch someday.

He put the board away, tucking their score sheets in with the tiles to keep for another day, and placing the box back in its place. He feared that maybe this meant she would leave, seeing as how he certainly wasn't bold enough to suggest anything else.

Turning back around, his eyes widened to notice that she was sitting at the head of his bed, looking through the small selection of books on the nightstand that stood just to the right of his pillow. He caught his breath when her dainty fingertips traced over the binding of _Great Expectations_, and it took all of his strength not to say something, though his fears were soon put to a halt when she skipped over it, finding much more amusement by looking at his Palahniuk collection.

"Do you think we could listen to some of that music you like?" She said softly, finally looking away from his books and locking eyes with him.

He was hesitant, afraid of the music taking him back to a place he didn't want to be, but she was there and so radiant and he didn't want to say no. It took him a moment or two to find his iPod, and he sighed a bit when he noticed the headphones were still plugged in as if he'd just been listening the other day.

He began to hand her the ear buds, and she chuckled softly, reaching out to grab his arm and bring him down onto the bed with her. He sat next to her, their backs resting against the wall, and their legs sticking out and sprawling along his sheets comfortably. Situating one of the tiny buds in her ear, she handed him the other one, and he gulped inaudibly, finding their proximity to be just a little more than distracting. He picked a song at random, and the two jumped when the volume played at its very highest. Laughing softly, he knew immediately what it was, and his memory after all these years didn't surprise him. It was the song Jesus Christ by _Brand New_, and he immediately looked to her, his lips curling into a small smile as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"I like this," she said softly after a few moments, and Eli found himself looking at her as she listened.

In that single instance, it wasn't about what happened, what the song took him back to, it was all about being right there with the girl who was okay, and who made him feel the same.

His eyes lingered down in between them, noticing as Clare's fingers tip-toed along the blankets, reaching his lanky excuses for fingers. Her small fingers parted his, squeezing in between them and holding onto him tightly. It was like she had read his mind, The warmth of her hand sending chills down the back of his spine. If he was a little less of a baby, he was sure he'd wrap his arms around her in a heated embrace, and kiss her until their lips were swollen.

But he just wasn't up to that level just yet.

The song finally came to a close, fading into another one of Eli's miserable songs coming on next. Songs kept playing, for ages, or so it felt like it. They never moved from their spots, just holding hands in silence while Eli's iPod played song after song. Eli was slightly worried Adam, or Drew, or a parent might walk in and find them so comfortably sitting together – but he was sure this wouldn't happen. Adam said late – Eli assumed this meant even later than Adam assumed late.

"Do you want anything?" Eli asked after a while, tilting his head only slightly just so that he could see the tip of her nose. "Like water or a snack."

There was small break, as if she was hesitating. "Sure, we could get a snack… or something."

But nobody moved.

…

She left around nine. Or maybe it was ten. They had completely lost track of time once afternoon had melted into night. They never really did grow tired of each other, every time they'd run out of something do to – they'd listen to more music. Just sitting there, in utter silence, their bodies so close that they made each other warm… it was nice. Something Eli hadn't felt in a very long time.

They promised to hang out again soon – just the two of them. As much as they both liked having Adam around… this was different. It was peaceful. It was very much like both of them, individually. Like their hearts were intertwined in ways neither of them really knew how to explain. But they liked it, that's all that they knew. When they said goodbye at the door, their hug lingered a little longer than usual. And it wasn't because Eli was holding on, or because Clare was holding on… it was equal. Mutual. God, he almost wished they hadn't let go.

It was probably a few minutes after she'd left the house that Adam returned from his entire day of band practice. He appeared to be exhausted, and all in all, uninterested in anything – but when he saw the curve of a smile stuck to his cousins face, his curiosity got the better of him.

"What are you smiling about?" Adam asked, throwing his legs off of the side of his bed to face his cousin. Eli glanced up from his phone in his hands, his bright smile fading away and blending into an interested glance.

"I'm texting Clare, that's all." Eli answered. His voice was stoic, almost reserved… Adam wondered if Eli was still upset about the night before. They had seemed to work it out, but the uncomfortable lump in the back of this throat said otherwise.

"That's cool." Adam said under his breath. He got up to pace around the room, making it appear as if he was going over some of his video game collection or some of his prizes in science competitions, when in all honesty he was getting cabin fever, cramped up in his bedroom, but he felt awkward leaving Eli in there alone while things were still a little off between the two of them. Adam's eyes suddenly scanned over his closet, noticing one thing was missing from his stack of board games, piled up in the back of the closet. "Uh, dude?" Adam glanced over his shoulder at his cousin who was already preoccupied in his cell phone again. "Did you take something from the closet? I think I'm missing something."

Eli looked up again, pointing to his dresser where Scrabble laid neatly with only a few books stacked on top of it. "Sorry; Clare came over today and we played Scrabble."

"That's cool –" Adam stopped, the realization that Clare and Eli had hung out without him suddenly popping into his brain. "Wait, Clare came over? She knows I have band practice every second Saturday –"

"She came to see me," Eli shrugged, "We listened to music and played Scrabble and stuff like that."

A coy smile curled onto the freckled boy's lips, finally understanding what was going on under his nose. It was like Adam had figured it out before Eli and Clare even had. "Clare likes you." Adam said smugly, crossing his arms across his chest. "I don't know how I didn't see it before, but hell, she must _really _like you."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're texting her right now, what's she saying?" Adam jumped down on the bed in front of Eli, craning his head over Eli's phone.

"Nothing important or anything. We're just talking about –"

"There!" Adam pointed, smashing his thumb down onto Eli's phone, pressing several buttons at one time. "That's a smiley face. Holy fucking shit, she's into you."

Eli quickly stashed his phone behind his back. "T-That's cool."

Adam's eyes quickly made their way up to his, a cat like grin forming on his lips, though he was already smiling rapidly beforehand. "You like her too, don't you?" Eli looked away. Feelings weren't exactly his number one forte, and this category wasn't particularly his favorite. "You like Clare Edwards!"

"She's okay!" Eli blurted out.

Because she was. _She was very okay_.


	9. not-so-new fears

**A/N:** WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK YOU'RE DOING, BEING REALLY CUTE AND GETTING US TO 100 REVIEWS IN ONE DAY? My hearts on fire, the reviews keep pouring in. (This is Becca, by the way, in case you didn't know) Today's a great day for fanfiction in my opinion. I'm so happy about all of the positive feedback we've gotten from this story. I hope you like this chapter - or, at least, the happy part of this chapter! No, in all, I want you to love this chapter, happy and sad parts. ONCE AGAIN THOUGH, I'll make you a deal. We'll continue updating on our regular Sunday schedule, but if you get us to **150** reviews unexpectedly, I'll update the next chapter. Okay, I'm out. Have a good night all of you and enjoy this chapter!

**Rating:** This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we believe it belongs in the M tag. **Trigger Warning** this chapter. It's mild but I have to make sure you know!

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Degrassi or the song Sight Of The Sun by FUN.

**Summary:** As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him.

* * *

_"If I should die tonight, may I first just say I'm sorry - for I never felt like anybody. I am a man of many hats although I never mastered anything."_ **C'mon | Panic! at the Disco feat. FUN.**

The memory of Eli Goldsworthy's very last date was far from a sweet one. The only person he'd ever gone on dates with had been Julia, and after their last one, he wondered if he'd ever be able to go on ones with other girls in the future. But Clare was different; he'd known this from the beginning. With her, he wasn't afraid that this might spiral out of control and that history might repeat itself.

He could remember his date with Julia vividly in the back of his mind. They'd gone out to an extremely awkward dinner, where they argued briefly over who would be paying, and how Julia was headset on them splitting the bill. That was a usual thing, he wasn't worried about that. He drove them home in the rain, both of them arguing again about how Eli never really listened to her. He'd dropped her off at her house, and went home bitterly, his brain circling around all of the disagreements they'd held that evening. As time, and their relationship progressed, they'd fought more and more. And this night was different. Because eventually there was a knock at the door –

A knock that changed nearly everything.

No – _no. _He wasn't thinking about that ever again, especially when tonight hung above his head with a happy thought.

Here he was, now, sitting in his bedroom, Adam downstairs in the kitchen – probably eating sandwich or two, - staring at his cell phone in his lap. Clare's name and number flashed on the screen, his head telling him that this wasn't a good idea, but his heart yearning him to press that little green button. This was one of the times when his heart won over his head.

"Hi." She answered.

"Hi."

She paused. "What's up?"

"Are you busy?" He blurted.

"No… I don't think so."

"Can I pick you up?"

She was smiling, and he wished he could see it. "Sure."

"See you in fifteen?"

"Okay,"

"Okay."

"Bye."

"Bye."

_Click_.

Now was the time when he started to get excited. Now was when he had to look in the mirror, and fuss over his appearance because as much as he wanted to deny it – Clare Edwards had stolen his heart. Well, it hadn't progressed very far just yet, only enough for him to realize that the feelings were there, and that he liked them. Yeah, he really liked them.

He borrowed the car keys from the small hook in the kitchen, and snuck out of the house before his cousin, or his aunt, or even his mother could question him about where he was headed. Of course, if it was an adult, it would be easy. He was just going out to see a friend. But if it was Adam? He'd be caught red handed. He could just imagine in the back of his head as he walked out to the car the teasing he'd receive from his cousin. _You're going out to see Clare? How cute. It's because you liiiike her, right?_

Yes, Eli did have to take five minutes or so preparing himself in the front seat of his car for the drive ahead of him. Picking up Clare would be the easy part, and while everything always felt like smooth sailing around her, he was still nervous. His fingers quickly turned the keys in the ignition, pulling out of the driveway with ease.

He turned around the corner, onto her street, when the sudden realization hit him that he had no idea which of the houses was hers. He'd never asked – and they'd always spent time at Adam's, rather than spend an evening at the Edwards. He wondered why that was, and made a note in the back of his mind to remember to ask her later on that night, no matter what they planned on doing.

But Clare must have also realized this, because as he was driving up the street, he found the beautiful, curly haired girl sitting casually on the curb, waiting for him to arrive. He pulled over to her, his heart starting to beat incredibly fast. This was it, the unnamed date.

"Hey, I kind of forgot that you didn't know which house was mine." Clare said sweetly as she climbed inside. She looked around, fondly remembering the last time she'd been in this car, the night at the lake. "It's good to see you…"

Of course, they'd seen each other all week. In fact, they'd been together not even twenty-four hours ago. The week since they'd spent the day together had been filled with awkward smiles to each other and annoyed comments from Adam about how the two should kiss already. And last night, the two had sat on the loveseat again during movie night. Not to mention the two could hardly keep their hands away from each other during their French lesson.

"Did you sleep well? I mean, last night." Eli asked, glancing over at her beside him.

"Oh, yeah. I did. Aside from you keeping me up all night with your text messages." Clare teased. There was a small blush on Eli's cheeks, and he hoped he was hiding it well. "So, what are the plans for tonight's festivities?"

"Well we could do anything you want, really. We could go get dinner, or go see a movie, or –"

"How about we just go around for a drive?" Clare interrupted, giving him a small intimate smile. She looked so pretty, just smiling at him with the sunset disappearing over the horizon just behind her. "We could just talk again. I just like talking to you and listening to you talk."

Clare Edwards must have been some sort of angel. Every time she opened her mouth something beautiful spilled out, he'd noticed. Eli nodded, starting up the car and starting to drive forward. "You'll have to tell me where to go; I'm still not very good on the area." He admitted, looking over at her for a moment.

Clare fiddled around with the radio some, finding a station that the two of them thought would be perfect for the drive. And while the music was kept low, it was still a calming thing to have playing in the background. They talked a little, too, about small topics, nothing really big just yet. Eli kept letting questions and ideas that he wanted to ask linger on the tip of his tongue while Clare continued to fill the car with conversation. There was nothing wrong with this, either, he loved it. Just hearing her voice was like listening to a really good song on repeat.

"Can I ask you something?" Eli suggested, taking a quick right down a side street into a neighborhood that looked fairly like his old one back in Ottawa. "Why is it that we always do movie night at our house and never at yours?"

"Well," Clare started, throwing her hands in the air in front of her as if it would help tell the story better. "When we first started movie night, my parents were fighting a lot. Honestly, we had started doing it at my house but the arguing made it difficult. Movie nights turned more into me crying in my bedroom, and Adam going home awkwardly. So we switched to Adam's. It made things a lot easier, and when my parents finally split up, I spent double time at Adam's house. Movie nights became more regular, and I was rarely at home. My mother's finally getting remarried, so maybe one day we could revisit movie nights at the Edwards home. Or…" Clare stopped, looking from the road ahead of her to Eli sitting next to her. "Or just you could come over sometime. We could have movie nights, just you and me."

"I'd like that." Eli told her.

"There's a park coming up on your next right. If you want, we could pull in and watch the rest of the sunset."

Eli didn't answer, doing just as she suggested and pulling into the parking lot of the park, facing just towards where the sun was setting. He turned off the car, the music coming to an abrupt ending and silence filling up its void. They talked more; about how Clare's home life was never peaches and cream, and how her older sister had moved away to Africa to help an orphanage. They talked about how Clare's mother was marrying an old time friend, and how the marriage would be adding a step brother to their family. Eli listened to every word, just as how Clare had the night he told her all about himself. They talked, and laughed, and smiled – the sunset fading into the night.

It all seemed too good to be true, like in the blink of an eye he'd be alone in his room again, finding something destructive to do to himself. It was surreal to think that another person could make him feel this way, so at ease. And to think about that any further made his heart drop.

He'd get dependent on her if he kept thinking of her as this perfect being. He doesn't expect her to save him, he just likes the idea of letting all the bad things slip away when she's around.

Eli doesn't talk about the bad things, and maybe he should, but it all hurts too much and it feels so much nicer to listen to her speak. She thinks he's fine now, and he likes the idea of that. Being fine, living so naturally like Clare could.

He wondered if there was a way to describe her, a way to really understand how she was the way that he was, but he supposed she was just like the sunset before them. An unexplainable sort of radiance that could only be seen.

She counted backwards as the sun went down, repeatedly trying to guess how long it would take for the light to leave the sky, and the two would erupt into soft chuckles when she got it wrong again and again.

They stayed there for what was only an hour or two before she claimed that she'd need to be home before curfew. At first it saddened him to think that they'd be parting from one another so soon, but when his car had pulled up to the curb outside her driveway, she told him to just stay for a while, and so he did.

He felt her finger hook around his thumb and he smirked knowingly, lacing their fingers together in the familiar way they'd both grown so used to. It was something the two had become incredibly comfortable with, holding each other's hand, and when they were with one another, it was almost as if their hands were being drawn together by a magnetic force, like they didn't even realize it was happening.

She asked him questions about his childhood, being sensitive enough to avoid directly mentioning his father, but merely hinting toward his existence. Hints that Eli pretended he didn't notice in order to keep his distance from the memories that plagued him.

She was so gentle about it all, letting his hand go only to turn her entire body so that she was facing him completely. He missed her touch already, turning his body just like she had and leaning forward to grab her palm, tracing patterns on her skin as if to memorize every line.

"_Vous etes merveilleux_" she whispered softly after only a few minutes of silence, _you're wonderful_. He was taken aback by the way the French rolled off her tongue so effortlessly, and he had to catch his breath when he looked up at her, her cheeks turning a bright red at the sudden eye contact. She moved a bit closer to him, scooting carefully toward the boy with bright eyes and a shy smile.

"_Et tu es belle_" he responded, mustering up the confidence to lean in a bit closer, _and you're beautiful._ She blushed harder, glancing between his eyes and the seat. Clare giggled softly, brushing her nose against his, and he couldn't help but smile, "you're cute when you laugh," he whispered, watching as she leaned in closer, her breath hitting his cheek. She was doing precisely what he'd been hoping for, and he wanted to feel at peace, to feel calm, but he just couldn't.

Her eyes fluttered closed, and he tried to move in, to press his lips against hers like he'd wanted to for so long now, but it was in that moment that Julia found her way back to him.

He was supposed to love her forever, to be with her and take care of her. He was supposed to be _with her_ that night, not off sulking in his bedroom. And what would happen if he left Clare alone? What if she got hurt, if she stopped caring for him, what would he do if she started to hate him?

He gasped softly at being struck with this sudden feeling of guilt, and just by looking at Clare this way, he knew he couldn't do this, he couldn't let himself fall for her the way he had fallen for Julia so long ago.

None of it was right.

She's dead because of him.

Clare would die because of him.

He couldn't do it all over again, and the thought of losing her, this girl he'd only known for not even a full month, it nearly broke him apart right there in front of her.

He felt himself begin to shake uncontrollably, his breaths coming out tattered and broken, and he couldn't contain all of the thoughts. All of these things he'd been keeping up inside for so long started to spill.

His mother lost the one person who she could love endlessly, she lost the man that made her feel alive, and now she was dying. Breathing but dead because her own son is a disappointment, an excuse for a man who only ever drove her husband further to death.

He should be checking on her, seeing if she's okay. But no, he's out with Clare, to make himself feel okay, forgetting about everything he'd promised himself.

All his father ever needed was for his own son to care, to cry for him, to tell him he'd be okay, and he couldn't even give him that. He couldn't save anyone.

Especially not himself.

Clare would just get caught up in his mess, and at some point, he'd stop being able to pretend he was okay, and he'd lose her.

His breath caught, and not in the way he liked, he felt like he was struggling to keep himself conscious, and all he could think of was Julia, and the way she'd scream at him when she couldn't get her way. Such a stubborn girl, like she couldn't decide whether to want him or not so she'd thrash him around until she could figure it out.

No-_no. _This was bad, this was very bad.

He was slipping away with every second, and the curly haired girl was simply watching with confusion.

"I'm sorry," he choked out and Clare pulled back completely, her eyes widening and then darting away from him.

"It's f-fine I understand."

"I just…I'm not…I don't feel well." He tried to explain, and Clare, being the patient and loving character that she was simply shushed him, telling him that it was okay, that he was okay. But he just couldn't do it right then. He couldn't let himself get caught up in the way she spoke, because in the end it wouldn't mean anything.

None of this ever meant anything.

She left the car, waving to him and flashing him a smile like telling him that nothing was wrong, but he grimaced at her naivety.

She'd find someone someday.

Someone who could take care of her, guide her through life.

She didn't need a basket case boyfriend with memories that held a body count.

He had to push her back to where she was, erase her from his memory. It was all too much for him, for a boy who'd been let down time and time again.

…

Eli couldn't drive himself home. He left his car parked in front of Clare's house and stumped back home in a hazy confusion. He made it home, not even bothering to remind himself to pick up the car in the morning. It would happen eventually. But before long he found himself dizzily making his way to his mother's room, the door was closed and this sent chills down his spine. He was always the one to shut her door before bed, to make sure she could be heard if she tried to pull anything.

He turned the knob, grateful that she hadn't locked it, and when he walked in, his hopes quickly faded, finding his mother sprawled out on the floor with a bottle in her hands.

"Jesus Christ, Cece!" He whispered harshly, rushing to his mother's side, dropping to his knees and reaching forward to push the matted blonde hair from her face. Her eyes were open but hazy, her fingertips curling tighter and tighter around the glass bottle with every second.

"Come on, get up. You have to get up." He struggled to say, pulling her up with all the strength he could manage in his vulnerable state.

It figures, the moment he lets himself feel okay, the moment he stops watching, she lets herself go.

The night just couldn't seem to end.

"Stop, Eli." She murmured in reply, and Eli pulled away from her, staring with concern at the woman with her back propped up against the bed. "Just stop."

Her words were slurred, and she waved her arms around haphazardly, the liquid sloshing from the bottom of the glass container and spilling onto the carpet. He pried the bottle from her hand, placing it to the side as he tried to lift her up onto the bed. She held her ground, though, screaming when he came remotely close to her.

"You're going to wake someone up." He sighed, and Cece laughed in a bitter tone, standing to her feet, wobbling as she did so.

She stepped toward him, each stride taking longer than the last. Her eyes were glassy, and held a cold expression. She tightened her jaw and balled her hands into fists, shaking her head as she looked to him.

"This is all your fault." She cried, and Eli's jaw went slack, wondering if they were thinking of the same thing.

"My husband is dead…because of you." She grumbled, her words all mixing together, and Eli shook with the fear that it was all true.

Though he knew it all along.

"Mom…" he tried, his voice breaking, he wanted to apologize, to tell her that he never meant to hurt anyone, but it was so useless. Everything was so useless.

"If you would have just came to the hospital…" she trailed off, her voice cracking with pain, "if you would have just pretended you cared."

"I do care…I did care…" he tried, his heart beat quickening, running his hands through his hair as he struggled to keep himself composed, struggled to find something to fight for, something to pry him out of this darkness.

She shook her head over and over, tears running freely down her cheeks, choking on her own sobs as she fell onto her own bed.

He watched her, his face pale and his expression lifeless.

She didn't need him.

He was only making things worse.

"I'm sorry, mom." He whispered, making his way out of the room, dragging himself up the steps, and to his bedroom, stopping just outside his door.

He glanced to the bathroom, his lip twitching with desire.

Desire for the type of pain he can hold in his hands.

Pushing open the door to his room, he let out a sigh of relief that Adam was fast asleep, his small frame twisted comfortably out onto his sheets, and Eli glared at him with envy.

He was finally feeling.

But it was just as he feared.

Glancing toward his bedside table, he trembled with anger toward the little white pills that held his sanity in their capsules.

It wasn't fair.

None of it was fair.

Rolling up his sleeves, Eli could still make out his scars in the dark, the wounds making his arms seem more like a battle field than flesh.

He thought about Clare for a moment, for a split second. How she'd traced the marks with her fingertips and told him he was worth so much more.

It was bullshit, and he knew it.

But he fell for it anyway.

He could always be the one to fucking fall for it.

To fall for the girl with the pretty eyes and the kind smile. It was all so pathetic, and he was writhing with his own anger at the thought of letting things get so far. It never would have worked. Nothing ever fucking _works._

It was like all the strings holding him together had been cut by his mother's words, like he was boneless now, and the only thing that kept up his structure was his unadulterated anger with himself.

He discarded the restricting clothes on his body, slipping into a tee-shirt and pajama pants, and finding his way into the bathroom.

"Cry, you piece of shit." He murmured into the mirror, wondering if maybe there was a sliver of hope for him yet.

But no tears fell.

Shaking, he gave in to what he'd needed, slipping the cool metal across his skin and clenching his teeth at the feelings of relief mixed with the guilt of letting all his progress go to waste once more.

Not that he'd ever aspired to get much farther in the first place.

"_Ihateyou,Ihateyou,Ihateyou_."

He just wanted to scream, to say he was sorry for killing everything he ever loved, to punish himself for ever thinking that Clare could keep him alive. One day she'd think back to him and she'd laugh and remember the boy she once dated because she got to feel like a hero.

He was so stupid, so foolish to ever believe that he could get better.

He didn't _deserve_ to get any better.

He hadn't felt this strongly in so long. Not since he was 16, with his father's gun in his hand.

Eli couldn't keep doing this to himself, tricking everyone into thinking he was on a path to success, when he just kept digging his grave further and further into the ground.

Staring at his skin, he smirked sadly to himself, letting out a small sigh.

"If it'll cut, it'll bleed."


	10. old habits

**A/N:** Hi everyone, it's Emma here. I hope you're doing well. This chapter... well, I'll just leave it at that. Enjoy.

**Rating**: EXTREME **Trigger Warning** this chapter. I cannot stress it enough. If you are struggling with depression and are worried that this chapter might trigger something, PLEASE do not read it. You can wait until the next chapter and it will fill in the blanks, I promise. Don't read this chapter if it's going to bring up bad memories, all of you are too cute to be sad.

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Degrassi or the song _Sight Of The Sun_ by FUN.

**Summary:** As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him.

* * *

_"I've got troubled thoughts and self-esteem to match, what a catch, what a catch."_ **What A Catch, Donnie | Fall Out Boy**

He'd been counting the beats of his heart, stopping and starting over when he began to lose track. His eyes were sunken, dark circles forming underneath and cascading along the tops of his cheek bones. He was, at this point, nearly hysterical with sleep deprivation.

He wasn't sure how he didn't see it all coming. Being with Clare usually made him feel so safe, so at peace, but when his thoughts couldn't seem to be put to a halt, he knew it was just like everything else, and he couldn't use her that way. Then his mother, though she only repeated the things he'd known from the beginning, Eli couldn't deny that he'd always hoped she still loved him the way she used to.

Wishful thinking, he now knew, but it all seemed to make sense to him before.

After the night with Clare, in his delirium, he hadn't even brought the car home from her house. He'd walked home in his state of fear, and blocked the whole thing out when his panic attack came to its end. Clare sent him a text message that night, telling him about the car, and about how her mother was starting to ask questions, and though it pained him to drag himself out of bed, he did get up to move it when no one was around. But that was four days ago, and he had barely moved since.

…

Clare Edwards let out a low breath at the sight of Adam standing alone. This would be the fifth time that week that Eli had missed school, and the very thought of him being cooped up in his bedroom made the girl break out into chills. Drew had obviously gotten a ride with some friends from the team, and it was becoming more and more evident that Adam had grown rather fond of his cousin, feeling a little uncomfortable without having someone to talk to when Clare wasn't around.

"No Eli, huh?"

"No Eli." Adam told her tiredly, sparing her the details of how he'd woken up to find Eli staring blankly at _Great Expectations_, the bandages around his wrists poking out through his sleeves. He was exhausted, utterly drained from spending the week worrying about his cousin, and if he was being honest with himself, Adam had never felt this scared.

He knew something was bothering Eli, he always knew something was a little different about him, but after he'd heard what happened downstairs when Cece started shouting, he wasn't quite sure if the boy would be able to bounce back again.

"It sounds pretty bad…" he'd told Clare over the phone just a few days prior, listening outside his door to try and make something out, but the voices faded quickly and he decided not to listen anymore, knowing that what was happening was probably pretty bad, and Eli would want to tell him about it himself if he had something to say. Though it wasn't like he'd ever done that before.

It was a real challenge now, trying to get him to talk, and part of him had hoped maybe it was like when he'd just moved in, how he'd been reserved but willing to say a few words here and there.

It wasn't like that.

Occasionally, Eli would murmur something under his breath when he left their room to head into the bathroom for hours, and though Adam wanted to interject and ask what he was doing in there in a teasing way to draw a laugh from his friend, he was afraid that he already knew the answer.

"I've been texting him, no responses though." Clare sighed, feeling horribly guilty about the entire ordeal. She knew it was selfish to think this way, but she couldn't help but wonder if she'd done something to make him feel so down. Everything seemed to be going well before they almost kissed, but perhaps it was just her hopeful thinking, perhaps she hadn't been able to see how hurt he'd really been.

"I'm sure he's okay, just having one of his slumps." Adam assured her, his lips pulling into their signature smile, and he nudged his friend's arm playfully as they boarded the bus.

…

Eli watched the words on the page, as if expecting them to shift and change, to tell him something he didn't yet know. They remained the same, though, only taunting him further. Reminding him of what could've been. Reminding him of how simple everyone's lives could have been if he'd just gone through with it. If he'd just been able to pull the trigger.

He licked his lips as his fingertips grazed the corners of the page, turning it and grimacing to himself at the passage he'd written especially for Julia.

_I don't want to be another statistic, I just want to be with you._

Eli could've laughed at the sick irony of it all, wondering what had ever happened to make him such a miserable human being. He waited for a while, waited for the front door to close just one last time, to signify that Audra or Omar had left for work. But he heard a gentle knock on his door instead, and he didn't make a sound, hoping they'd leave if they thought he was asleep.

"Eli? Eli, your mother is coming with me to work today. Call if you need anything, alright?" His aunt told him softly, her stern voice sounding almost unnatural when using a comforting tone.

He nodded, making brief eye contact before rolling onto his side and pulling the covers over his body once more. He couldn't bring himself to look at her, or anyone for that matter. He just couldn't be bothered.

Audra had come up to check on him here and there, leaving plates of food on his bedside table that typically remained the same when she came back up to take the plate away. She was worried, he could see, and he knew all at once where Adam got this trait. This sort of hidden empathy, only showed through a random act of kindness.

His heart picked up speed as the sound of their footsteps slowly faded, and he felt his entire form slump even further when the door slammed closed.

Alone again.

He didn't fight off these thoughts any longer.

He shut his eyes.

He let them consume him.

Audra and his mother had taken the Torres family van on their trip out for the day, leaving Eli with total advantage to take the car out for a spin. Grabbing the keys off of the hook, Eli sulked his way out to his old car. He always hated this car, the old, 1999 Honda Civic that looked like nothing anyone in his family would buy. It was all they could afford at the time, with Eli's father's surgeries costing so much money. Eli missed his own car, a hearse that he and his father had found at a junkyard and fixed up for him. Eli could remember the day he came home from school to find his car not in its usual spot in the driveway. He could remember the disappointed look on his father's face.

"_Once I get better, I'll buy it back, I promise. Right now it's just tough, kiddo."_

Everyone knows how that worked out. Or, how it didn't work out.

Eli lazily drove around Toronto, not really caring about how slow he was driving, or how he didn't know where he was going, anyway. He thought about how if he slipped up while driving, got into a crash and died, it wouldn't really matter anyway. It'd be beneficial, actually.

He cruised around for what seemed like forever, finally stopping at the lake they'd all visited. There was something about that lake that always brought him comfort, or, at least the thought of it. He parked where they had before, wandering around aimlessly until he reached that shabby old dock that the three of them had sat on. Eli walked onto it, hands stuffed deep into his pockets as he came to the edge, staring down at his reflection below.

He thought to himself, how if the water was deeper – he might just jump. Fall feet first into darkness and let the water swallow him up. But he never really liked water. He didn't want something he didn't like to be the reason he'd let himself go.

"This is stupid." He said out loud, kicking his heel against the creaky wood. "This is so stupid."

Eli wouldn't admit it, but he was referring to himself.

He grabbed a few stones off of the sandy ground, skipping them through the water like he'd watched Clare and his cousin do the night they'd visited the lake. Things seemed a lot easier, then. For some reason he thought things were getting better, then. He shouldn't have been so naïve.

He sat, letting his legs hang off the edge of the dock. Being out of school the past week had given him some time to reflect. It was in moments like these where he wondered why he ever went at all. Maybe to keep him slightly sane; the constant being alone was setting him on the brink of insanity, though he was already halfway there.

Clare called him a lot, he'd noticed. She sent him a couple texts a day just to let him know she was thinking about him, and that she'd be there when he was ready to come back to school. She was so kind, and Eli appreciated it. But he was never going to go back to school. He hated to make her worry, but what was he supposed to do? He couldn't just open up, tell her the truth, let her know how the suicidal thoughts were swarming around in his head again. He couldn't allow her to be worried about him, she was too good for that.

She was too good for pity.

Eli finally drove home, feeling significantly more miserable this time than he had when he had arrived at the lake. All of these feelings were taking a toll on him, and if he had known what kinds of demons were waiting for him when he arrived home – he would have driven around forever.

It was midafternoon when he'd pulled the car into the driveway and slugged himself through the front door. Adam would be home soon, so would Audra and his mother. By that time, he'd need to be in his room, curled up in the blankets in the same position everyone had left him. They didn't need to know that he had been out and about, that might worry them more.

Carefully, Eli slipped back into the house, hanging up the keys on their hook and climbing the stairs up to his bedroom. His legs felt like weights holding him down, almost as if telling him not to go upstairs. Going upstairs was a bad idea. Going upstairs would be his demise.

He crawled back into bed, shoes and all; too tired to untie the laces and put them neatly next to his dresser like he always did. The dire need for routine always went a long way.

His heart ached.

This was the lowest he had felt all week.

This must have been what hell felt like.

He rolled onto his side, longing to somehow fall asleep in his own misery. Eli would endure the nightmares if they were bearable. He was so exhausted. Life was too exhausting.

_Give in, jackass._

_There's a razor in the bathroom, don't act like you haven't used it before._

_Cut, cut, cut. Fucking piece of shit. You're a piece of shit._

There were the voices again. They were getting louder, like they're coming after him.

_FUCK! KILL YOURSELF ALREADY._

They're as loud as they had been a few years back, when the gun was pressed tightly against the temple of his cheek. Everything had gone to shit, now.

There was nothing holding him back from giving into the voices anymore. CeCe didn't want him around, she had made that quite clear from her drunken rage. Clare could manage without him, go on as if she had never met him in the first place. Adam would grow up around it all, like a plant that is bent in the wrong place. He'd be a little fucked up, but he'd still be able to last.

Eli sat up, throwing his legs off of the side of the bed and looking around his room. Things were so dark right now. If he were going to get it over with – it had to be now. He scrambled out his bedroom door, checking down the hall to make sure no one was around. He knew there wasn't anyone, but he double checked anyway. Then, he tripled checked.

In terror, he slammed the door to the bathroom shut, his only viable safe place. His vision was blurred. _Eli, if you're ever feeling bad – you have my number. I just want you to know… I'm here. _Fuck, he wanted to call her. But he just couldn't. Not yet.

The voices make it harder to concentrate. Looking in the bathroom mirror makes it obvious now how _pathetic _he is. He hates himself. He's about to take things too far and at the moment, he doesn't even know it.

_YOU ARE WORTHLESS._

_ "_Shut up!" Eli shouted, clutching his ears, falling to the floor in fear. When he doesn't have to see himself, it helps; only a little. "Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up!" He swore. In a hazy rage, he grasped for his phone in the back of his pocket. He scrolled through his contacts. He dialed a number

_The phone number you have dialed has been disconnected, or is no longer in service. Please hang up and try again._

Oh.

It was gone now.

Julia was gone.

There was no more listening to her voice mailbox when he was desperate. There was nothing left of her besides vague memories. Of fights. And arguments. And kisses. And passion and sex.

Julia was just an image now.

The voice mailbox was gone now, but he pretended as if it was still there. He held the phone to his ear, the long, monotone ring being the only thing he could hear.

"Jules?" He whispered. "Julia? Are you there? Please pick up, please, I need you. Please…" He was speaking to nothing as if all of his prayers would answer. "Okay," he said, finally coming to the realization that she was not going to answer, that she had never answered since she had died. "Okay, I get it. I can't keep holding on to you; to this phone number. You are gone now, but I need it. I need _you. _I'm sorry I wasn't good enough. I never was, but I tried, doesn't that matter?" He laughed only a little, at his own stupidity. "I'm going now. For good. I won't call anymore. I'll stop bothering you. I'll see you later, okay?"

_Click_.

Eli wobbled to his feet, his eyes hazy, but he could still make out himself in the mirror. There was sweat dripping down his face, but it was nothing like tears; nothing to tell him if he was feeling like he should. Anyone else would be bawling their eyes out about now, right? Why couldn't he cry!? What made him so fucking different?! He had thought it was the pills that were refusing to let him cry –

_The pills._

His eyes darted to the door, creaking it open just a tiny bit to get a glance at his empty room. No one was home, he had no reason to be stealthy.

If he could just take a handful or two, it could numb out the bad things. It could make him feel light.

Before he even knew it, he was throwing things around in his drawers, _Great Expectations _being tossed out of the way, all of his little notes flying around the room. He didn't have time to write new goodbye notes this time, the old ones would have to suffice. But then he wouldn't have a letter for Clare. He wouldn't be able to explain why he'd acted so strangely in the car, or why even with all her help, he was still giving up. Giving up. No, no. He was giving _in_.

There was only one thing to do; Eli had to call her. He may have been a disoriented mess, a self-hazardous machine, only out to cause himself more pain, but this was different. Clare had to know he was sorry. Or at least that he wanted to be.

He managed to get back into the bathroom, his three pill bottles in his hands being dropped onto the sink. One by one, his shaky fingers unscrewed the caps and poured into his palm the dozens of untaken pills. He swallowed as many as he could, washing them all down with water from the tap. Halfway there, he was halfway there. But he'd heard stories of pill induced suicides going wrong, and he couldn't let this be the only thing taking him downhill.

_Quick, _he thought, _they'll be home soon. They'll be home soon and you can't be here when that happens._

Eli went through the medicine cabinet, picking up the razor he had hidden behind a box of Batman Band-Aids. That could get the job done. With the mixture of his dizzy mind and the slashes of his wrists, he'd be a goner, he was sure of it. They couldn't save him, could they?

Eli sat down in the bathtub, his heart pounding and his vision blurred. In his left hand was his cell phone, and in his right, the small piece of metal that would soon be his demise.

_Slash._

_Dial._

_SLASH._

_Ringringring._

He dropped the razor, it making somewhat of a loud noise on the ceramic tub. Downstairs, he could hear the front door unlocking and opening. He had about fifteen minutes before Adam would drag himself upstairs to put his backpack away and maybe use the bathroom. Eli didn't want Adam to find him like this. But he was already past the point of no return.

_Click_ – "Eli! Hey!" Clare's voice snapped him out of the trance he was setting into. She sounded so happy to hear from him, and it made his spine shiver. Calling Clare was a bad idea, he was sure of it. But he had to say goodbye.

"Hey." He said groggily. The pills were kicking in, slowly but surely.

"I just got home, I was actually about to come over for movie night."

Shit.

It was Friday.

It was movie night.

_SHIT_. Clare was supposed to come over.

Panicking, Eli shifted his position so he could sit up more, blood gushing out of his sliced wrists. "What? No, no. Don't come over." Eli insisted, shaking his head rapidly though she couldn't see. "Whatever you do, don't come over, Clare."

"What…?" Eli could sense the confused, yet, concerned tone in her voice, knowing he had probably frightened her a bit. "Eli, are you okay?"

"I just wanted to talk to you, that's all." His voice shook with a fear that was starting to overcome him. "I just wanted to hear your voice."

"Well, silly, I could just come over and you could hear my voice. You know, in person. I miss you –"

"_No_," he said sternly, "I don't want you to come over. You _can't_ come over."

The girl was silent for a moment, as if his comment was alarming to her. It was, of course. "Did I do something wrong?"

No, of course she hadn't. Clare Edwards never did anything wrong. Hadn't she recognized yet that all the faults were Eli's? That he was bubbling over with insanity every time he opened his mouth? Poor, stupid, naïve Clare, always seeing the good in people. There was nothing good about Eli Goldsworthy.

"No, no, Clare. It's not you. It's me." Eli assured her. "You're amazing, Clare, you really are." His left arm had started to go numb as the blood poured out of his cut, soaking his shirt and jeans. "I've made such a mess, Clare. I'm such a mess. I'm such a fucking mess…" Eli stopped, his breathing finally catching up to him, the hyperventilation's he often had in moments of despair coming head on. There was a tingling, just between his nose and his eyes that started, a feeling he hadn't felt in a very long time. "I want you to be my girlfriend, you know. But not now, not when I'm like this. I'm not ready. I have to sort things out. I'm not good enough to be your boyfriend. You deserve someone that is emotionally stable and – _fuck_."

His cell phone fell into the tub, sticky blood dripping from his right arm directly onto its screen.

"I'm such a mess," he cried again, "I'm making such a mess."

Eli's cheeks were wet and warm. He hadn't remembered what it felt like to cry. "I'm crying." He muttered, his weightless arm raising to feel his tear stained cheeks. "I can't believe it, I'm crying." He laughed, as if there was humor in this situation, when in actuality there was nothing funny about it at all. "I'm finally crying. I'm real." He cried more, long and hard and possibly loud all to himself. He sobbed and sobbed, letting out all he had been holding in. In final moments he'd finally been able to feel like he always wanted to.

He realized that if he had only been able to cry an hour ago, none of this would have happened.

"I'm sorry Clare," he cried out, heaving uncontrollably. "I wanted to try and not give up but I'm not good enough. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm so sorry."

Clare had hung up long before, sensing that there was something seriously wrong. She dialed Adam's number, calling and calling until he finally picked up.

"_Something's wrong with Eli._" She had spat out.

"_I'm sure he's fine, he's probably in our room._" Adam assured her.

"_No, Adam! Something is seriously wrong!"_

The door to the bathroom creaked open.

Shit.

Eli had forgotten to lock it.

"Clare, you're overreacting. I'll bet you a hundred dollars he's sitting on his bed reading _Great Expectat_ –"

It was the most terrifying thing Adam had ever seen in his entire life, his cousin, slumped over in a heap in his own blood, looking so utterly miserable. His cell phone hit the floor as he scrambled to the bathtub in fear.

"Eli, oh my God. Eli, fuck! What were you thinking!?" Adam grabbed his phone off of the floor, immediately ending the call with Clare to dial 911. "Stay awake, Eli! Don't fucking fall asleep, shit!" Tears poured down Adam's cheeks as he tried to lift his cousin up to see his face.

"_911, what is your emergency?_"

"My cousin – he's tried to kill himself, I – I, I don't know if he's still alive. Help, just like – send help, please."

The woman on the other end alerted him they were tracking his location and would send someone out immediately, telling Adam that she would stay on the line if he liked. But Adam hardly noticed her, trying to wake his cousin out of an eternal sleep.

"Eli, say something, please, _fuck_, you're scaring me, man."

Eli's eyes opened, only slightly, to see his cousins face drenched in tears just like his own. "I'm sorry, Adam. I'm so sorry. You've been so nice to me and I've been so stupid."

"No, no, you haven't been stupid. I've been stupid, I should have seen this coming I – I should have. I promised I'd keep an eye out for you and I fucked up so badly." Adam promised, moving the sweat and tear covered bangs out of his cousin's eyes. "You're going to make it, okay? Don't fall asleep; the ambulance will be here in a few minutes."

Eli groaned, tossing and turning slowly as if to tell his cousin no, that he didn't want this. "I don't deserve to make it out of this."

"Yes you do! You fucking do, you magnificent bastard, you're worth it for fucks sake!"

"I love you, Adam." Eli promised, more tears starting to find their way out of his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Adam shook his head, his hands grasping onto the edges of the tub. "I love you too, man, and you're going to make it out of this. I fucking swear it."

The pills started to reject from Eli's system, causing him to throw up, adding to the mess he'd made in the tub. He cried harder. Both of them cried harder. "I'm a mess; I'm such a mess."

Adam called his mom.

The ambulance showed up.

Everything moved so fast, the younger boy could hardly keep up. Watching his cousin be carried downstairs on a stretcher, drenched in his own blood and vomit was one of the most horrifying things he had ever seen before. Adam knew he wouldn't be able to sleep that night, or tomorrow night – or for the next week, even. He'd develop the same kind of insomnia his cousin had taken on if Eli didn't make it through this.

Fuck – Eli _had _to make it through this.


	11. old regrets

**A/N**: HEYO it's Becca you guys kicked my butt with those 150 reviews. I want to give all of you little crowns. All I'm gonna say about this chapter is that it might remind you a little bit of Drop The World. Yeah, so, extremely sad and you'll never get over it (sort of lol). Almost forgot to mention, I'll make the same deal again (and I'll follow through this time I promise. Even if it's like two in the morning I'll UPDATE I PROMISE). So 200 reviews and an immediate update!

**Rating:** This fic is rated M for swearing, suicidal references, and just because we think it belongs in the M tag.

**Disclaimer:** We don't own Degrassi or the song Sight Of The Sun by FUN.

**Summary:** As the days go by, Eli Goldsworthy continues to relive his past, the flashbacks of what used to be following him wherever he goes. As he begins his new life, it's only a matter of time before the old one comes back to haunt him.

* * *

_"I'm in a foreign state, my thoughts they slip away. My words are leaving me - they caught an aeroplane." _**Wings | Birdy**

_Stitch Stitch_

_Wipe off the blood_

_Stitch Stitch_

_We're losing him_

…

Just before the light slipped away, and he could no longer feel their cold gloved fingers tugging on his skin, he felt a hand.

It reached out to him, and touched his chest, and said that he'd be okay when it was over.

It could finally be over.

A faint, mechanical chirping echoed throughout the space, bouncing off each white wall and piercing through the ears of a body that hadn't yet stirred.

Much like the stitched wounds on his wrists, his eyelids felt like they'd been clasped together, and with all the strength he could muster, they peeled open, immediately glancing around the room.

His eyes fell on the bandages on his wrists, and he felt his fingers curl into a ball.

_I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead._

He brought his hands to his hair and tugged on the raven locks, pulling as hard as he could and hoping that if maybe just maybe he felt a little more pain, cried a little bit more, the ruthless God he never believed in would grant him the one thing he'd ever ask from a fictional man in the sky.

He felt as though he'd pass out again from the excruciating pain in his stomach, and with a grimace, he realized that they must have had to stick a tube down his throat, and pump out the little white capsules that always seemed to bite him in the ass.

When he uses them – he's wrong.

When he doesn't – he's wrong.

Then again, taking them all at one time couldn't have possibly been what his doctor had scribbled down, and the mere thought of that almost rendered a sadistic chuckle out of him.

But he was too weak, and _so fucking angry_.

He was trembling now, his pale skin turning red as he held his breath, fighting back what he'd needed to do for so long.

He let out a deafening scream, fresh warm tears skimming down his cheeks as he did so. Wiping away the droplets with his hands, he was almost mesmerized by them, how they could fall so easily now.

"No no no no…" He repeated over and over, tossing and turning and thrashing in the hospital bed.

Eli choked out a halfhearted sob as a mob of nurses began to crowd around him, and he screamed again, he screamed as loud as his weak lungs would let him, and it hurt, oh Christ it hurt, but he couldn't take this anymore.

He couldn't keep hearing their voices when rooms got dark.

He couldn't keep seeing her in his dreams, tugging him around like a chewed up toy.

He was so tired, so tired and so sick of watching himself deteriorate.

"We need assistance!" A man in blue scrubs called out the door.

Eli let his tears run rampant down his cheeks, and his nails seemed to follow them like they were a pattern to trace, scratching along his skin to let the marks be seen.

As if to prove to everyone that he wasn't a monster, not a robot anymore.

Just a sad, pathetic boy in a hospital gown.

The three nurses came to his bedside, and reached out to grab his hands, pulling them away from his face and holding them down firmly against the bed.

"Careful not to touch his bandages." One of them said while adjusting the covers Eli had kicked off so viciously. Minutes passed and another woman in a dark blue tailored suit came gallivanting into the room with a chart in one hand and a small plastic cup filled with what he dearly wished was water.

She murmured something under her breath, and they all proceeded out the door upon her command, leaving the two of them alone in his tiny white hospital room.

This was all so wrong.

So very, very wrong.

His body went limp as his fit came to its end, cringing when he noticed his chest rising and falling with labored breaths. These breaths he didn't deserve.

These breaths he'd tried so hard to stop.

Again and again, but he just couldn't win.

It was supposed to be over.

He could hear the voice again, not from the woman in the suit, but the same one that had coaxed him to what he thought was his death, it was soft and dripping with the purest form of sincerity, and suddenly he knew it was hers, and his heart sunk deep into the caverns of his chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to no one in particular, or at least, to no one who could hear him. The woman perked up upon hearing his voice, relieved to see his fit come to an end on its own, instead of having to be silenced by more medication.

"Why are you sorry, Eli?"

"I ruined it. I ruined everything."

"Eli…you didn't ruin anything –."

"_I'm supposed to be dead."_ He seethed, speaking through a clenched jaw and gritted teeth. He'd let everyone down and now he'd have to see the looks on their faces when they saw just how unhinged he really was. The woman cleared her throat, making the wise choice not to argue with him while he was in such a vulnerable state.

"I want to talk to you, and I want to help…but I can't do that if you don't give me a chance." She said softly, scribbling something down on her charts and note pages. She reminded him so much of another kind girl, a girl he sincerely hoped had heard absolutely nothing about his, though he knew that couldn't be true.

He knew Adam must've told her, he must've called her up and cried for hours over a kid that didn't deserve his tears.

And Clare – sweet, innocent, Clare. A girl whose idea of anguish was a sad ending to a movie had to understand that the boy she'd last come close to kissing had slit his wrists and drowned his sorrows in a bottle of pills.

She deserved so much more than this.

So much more than anything he had to give her.

"I can't…not now…not right now."

She pushed up the large, round glasses on her nose and gave Eli a sympathetic smile. She'd seen boys in his case before, and often times boys in far worse positions than Eli. But she _was_ used to this. She was always determined to get boys like him back on track. "That's perfectly fine, Eli. You'll have plenty of time over the next ten days to talk with me about how you're feeling. I want to be your friend, someone you can trust. Everything you say will be kept between you and me."

"I don't understand." Eli said quietly, shaking his head. "Who are you? What do you mean ten days?"

"My name is Dr. Bennett. I would prefer if you would call me Molly, though. I'm your friend, Eli, not a teacher or someone you need to address so formally. I'll be your therapist over the next ten days." Her smile faded as she continued to speak, feeling sorry for the boy who had made such a sad decision. "Eli, because of your attempt, the doctors and your mother have agreed that it would be a smart idea for you to spend some time in the psychiatric hospital downstairs. It's only ten days. I know it sounds awful, but if you think about it – it's just a little over a week, and before you know it you'll be back in your normal routine in no time. But for now, it's best that you're under the hospitals for a little while. Your family is very worried about you."

The plan did not sit well with the dark haired boy, his face turning pale and his eyes watering with tears. Before, it was impossible to even try to cry, and now, he couldn't seem to stop.

"I can't." Eli choked out. "I didn't mean to make them worried. I just wanted to get out. I just wanted it all to stop. I can't go to a mental hospital. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy."

Dr. Bennett shook her head slowly. She reached out to hand him the small plastic cup, instructing him to only take a small sip to calm him down instead of knocking him out completely. "No one there is crazy, Eli. They're all young, like you, just trying to get by. You might make a few friends there."

"I'm not very good at making friends." Eli admitted, the drugs taking effect almost immediately. "My entire time in Toronto, the only people I've been around are my cousin and his best friend, both in the grade below me. I attached myself onto people I'm going to lose in a few months. What does that say about me? How am I supposed to make it in the real world as an adult, when I can hardly survive as a teenager?" He looked away from her, feeling the tears coming on again. Thinking about his future made him nauseous. How when the school year ended so soon, and he'd turn eighteen – where would he go? His father had always said he'd help him get a job at the radio station, or working on cars at the garage. But that obviously wouldn't be happening anymore.

God, if only the suicide had worked. If only he didn't have to finish the rest of his pathetic life.

There was a soft knock at the room's door, it creaking open and revealing an older woman in scrubs giving Eli and Dr. Bennett a gentle smile. "Ms. Goldsworthy is outside. She's wondering if it's okay to talk to Eli."

Dr. Bennett looked at the mess of a boy in front of her, as if asking for approval for his mother to enter.

"Yeah," Eli gave in, "yeah, she can come in."

Dr. Bennett escorted herself out, making Eli aware of the fact that she would be right outside his room if he needed her, and not to worry too much about staying in the clinic for the ten days. He really didn't care if she said not to worry – he still was.

Was it wrong that his biggest concern was what Clare was going to think of him? How when he would tell her he'd be staying in a fucking mental ward for ten days, she'd think he was absolutely batshit crazy. But Clare wasn't like that – Clare was never like that. Somehow he'd convinced himself that she would still toss him to the curb like dirty garbage.

CeCe finally came in, her hands trembling and her nose and eyes bright red from tears. They were silent for the longest time, just staring at each other, wondering who was going to break first. Not Eli. It couldn't be Eli. It wasn't Eli.

"What were you thinking?" She blurted out, unable to contain herself any longer. She had hardly even begun to speak and already tears were streaming down her face, words coming out in a blubbering mess. "How could you even think about doing this? Again? I thought you were getting better. You made new friends; you were taking your medication –"

"I wasn't taking my medication." Eli mumbled. "It wasn't working."

"Baby boy, you should have told me. We could have seen someone. I would have helped you get something that would work."

"I don't _want _to take pills, mom. I'm not crazy. I don't need pills. Clare and Adam don't need pills –"

"Clare and Adam haven't lost their father, Eli." CeCe answered gravely. She shook her head, sitting down where Dr. Bennett had beside his bed. She reached out for a moment, as if wanting to take his hands but giving up hopelessly and letting them fall back into her lap. "Please… Please tell me the night of my relapse didn't trigger any of this, Eli. I wasn't myself that night. I was someone else entirely. I didn't mean any of the words I said, and I still don't. I love you. You're the closest thing I have left of your father. You're my son, and you had nothing to do with the death of your father. You couldn't fix his heart. I just…" Her words wandered off, running into each other and repeating things vigorously. Eli stared at his mother in awe, wondering how a woman he so often looked after and cared for could have acted so blindly that night, and how now she was practically begging for his forgiveness. Almost always it was the other way around, wasn't it? Him asking for hers? "I need you to forgive me, baby boy. Can you forgive me?"

"I…" He wanted to pull the blankets over his head, to run and hide to avoid the answer to her pleas. "I need time, mom. I'm a mess. All I need right now from everyone is patience."

CeCe nodded. "Of course." She seemed a little too disappointed for his liking, but he tried to ignore it. "Adam and Clare are outside, they've been begging to see you but I told them that now wasn't a good time."

"I'll see them. I want to see them. Let them in. But – Adam first."

He knew he needed to talk to Adam before he could see Clare. He could just imagine the disappointed, yet relieved look on her face when she'd walk through the door. How gentle her voice would be and how soft her hands would be. He'd apologize for his phone call and how unorthodox it was, and Clare would forgive him. It was easy in his head, but he knew how difficult it would be when she was actually there.

Adam was a little worse, though. In his head before he came in, Eli kept thinking of ways to apologize to his cousin for his actions, though he really wasn't sorry at all. _Sorry you had to find me. I hope I didn't stain anything. Do you think I'm crazy?_

His mother only nodded, and left the room without another word. She'd obviously been shaken, going in hoping that everything she said would be like magic to his ears. But things didn't work that way anymore, she couldn't just hold him and tell him that she'd make everything feel better.

Talking with him, it was the most she'd said in a while, she noted; and the prospect of leaving her own son alone in all of this, after everything he'd been through.

It was hitting her now, and she felt like such a fool.

Sending Adam inside, Cece had no doubt in her mind that her son would get better, and that she'd be there this time around.

The younger boy tugged on his tee-shirt as he slowly stepped into the room. Looking around, he thought of maybe making a joke to ease the tension, but all he could see was his cousin laying stoic in a pool of his own blood, and he had to shut his eyes for a moment.

Slipping his hand into his back pocket, Adam sighed shakily when he revealed that he'd brought _Great Expectations_ along with him. "You weren't reading this…were you?"

Eli shook his head.

"And the note – the one tucked inside, you didn't write that yesterday, did you?"

Again.

He watched as his cousin gulped silently to himself, his bloodshot eyes going soft as his fingertips grazed the binding of the paperback.

"You were rereading your own suicide note every night, sometimes all throughout the day. And I just sat there thinking…_Shit, this guy really likes Charles Dickens._" He confessed with a sad chuckle, one that Eli was quick to join him in.

"I need you to tell me what was really happening, okay? When we all thought you were okay, what was really going on?" His voice was breaking and low, like it'd taken a leap of strength to ask him a favor such as this.

"Adam, I…"

"Please."

And so he told him, and he watched with weary eyes as his cousin took a seat next to him and hid his head in his hands. He told him about the cutting, about how it never really stopped. He told him about the routine with his mother, about how he'd keep her safe because it was the only life he had control over. And when it was done, just like before, his cousin lifted his head and wrapped him up in a hug.

But it wasn't like before.

It felt _real _this time.

"Clare was _so_ fucking worried, man. She's scared out of her mind right now." Adam muttered as he pulled away from the dark haired boy. Perhaps it was a tactic to change the subject, or maybe he just really wanted to make sure all of his friends stayed in place.

"I want to see her."

The boy didn't seem the least bit surprised, nodding at once and turning to grab the handle of the door.

He stepped out, only one foot reaching the floor, and Eli knew he couldn't leave his cousin without giving him the credit he deserved.

"And Adam? I can't say this yet…but one day I'm going to thank you. For saving my life."

He stood up a little straighter at Eli's words, and smiled, happy to hear that 'one day' would really be an option for his cousin.

When Adam left the room, time seemed to stop for a moment, and he found himself fiddling with the bandages on his wrists, nervously awaiting what he knew would hurt far worse than any cut.

Suddenly, she was with him again.

She walked in looking frazzled, her hair going off in all different directions and her makeup smeared below her eyes, but still so radiant when she entered a room. She wasn't wearing one of her pretty dresses, but a gray tee-shirt and a pair of black sweats, and it pained him to know that she was probably wearing what she'd planned on coming over in for movie night.

"Oh, Eli." She gasped at once, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him into a hug. While stuck in the moment of being entangled in her arms, he wondered for a moment why he would ever want to leave a world where Clare Edwards exists.

But of course he remembered straight away, the inevitable truth; that wasn't the right way to live, depending on another person to keep yourself going. No, he couldn't have done that to her, or to anyone for that matter.

"I'm so happy you're alive." She sobbed softly against his shoulder, and he was surprised he hadn't begun crying himself. Ripping herself away, Clare pulled up a chair close to him and reached out for his hands, gasping softly at the bandages that made the ordeal all the more real.

He laced their fingers together, and it was almost as if nothing had ever happened. Like she expected things to just bounce back into place and they'd keep on going.

"I'm sorry I scared you," he finally spoke up, looking at her and wondering what he ever did to deserve this. To deserve someone who cared about him like this.

She shook her head slowly, and Eli swallowed the lump in his throat, cursing himself for not being able to pull through, for never being able to finish the job once he started. Maybe if he had never met her, he would have cut a little deeper, maybe if he'd never seen her before, he could've done it for real this time.

"I heard you – I heard your voice." He told her, and she daintily lifted her eyebrows, as if pushing him to explain.

"When everything went black…you said everything would be okay…" He began, having to divert his eyes from her for a moment in fear of breaking down and crying there right in front of her.

"At the time, of course, I thought you meant…after I died…"

She leaned forward, resting her head against their hands as he spoke.

"But now – now I don't really know what it meant."

Clare couldn't help but stare, and Eli was curious if she ever looked at him and thought of a monster. Just an outer casing of what a person really should be. Did she ever see him and think of him the way he thought of himself.

"Clare, I just…I don't want you to have to fix me."

"And I don't want you to think you're broken."

She was perfect, such a fine example for an upstanding human being, and he just kept letting her down. Everything was changing, and he'd only been awake for a couple of hours. None of this was supposed to be happening, he was supposed to be gone. He knew what he had to do, what would become of him once he stayed here, and all of it was just so overwhelming. Far too much for a boy who'd expected to be lying dead by now.

"I just can't seem to get it right, can I?" He said softly, staring at his wrists, wondering where it all went wrong.

Clare pulled her hand away, flashing him a look of disbelief. "Your family…they all…they all came here because they _want_ you to be alive. They want you to be okay."

"So what am I supposed to do, Clare? Keep pretending I'm happy? Keep pretending I want to be alive? I'm worthless."

She was losing her temper now, and Eli had never seen her like this. Her porcelain cheeks were glowing with red fury and she stood to her feet, backing away from him.

"Eli...after everything you've told me, after we almost kissed, after you told me you heard my voice…you'd still do this again?"

He was getting a little fed up himself. Not with Clare, not really. But with everyone's immediate assumption that this was all just a fit.

That he had his temper tantrum and he was all better now.

"What do you expect from me, Clare? I just tried to kill myself for Christ's sake, I didn't come to some sort of epiphany that life is beautiful. That's your strong suit, not mine."

She was crying again, but she had a peculiar look on her face. Like she'd just come to the sudden realization that she could be anywhere else at that moment. Of course Eli knew, he knew she'd never think that way.

"You…you need this." She muttered softly, looking at the door as if it had just called her name. "You need to get better, Eli. And I know you don't see it, but I do. And I need to let you do that…on your own."

"Clare, wait…" He called out to her, holding out a hand like he was trying to reach for hers again, but she couldn't put herself through that.

Everything seemed to be spiraling again, and he couldn't imagine why she'd leave him in a moment like this, why she'd let him lay there by himself with no one to talk to but the voices in his head and the images of the ones who haunted him still.

"Goodbye, Eli."

He wanted to run after her, to tell her that he was sorry and that he'd be better and healthy and happy for her, but that was precisely what she was avoiding, and he was getting more and more exhausted by the moment.

There was a mandatory meeting with Dr. Bennett and Cece, where they discussed his living arrangements. Audra explained that she could tell the school about what happened, and she'd be sure to have his work set off to the side for when he was ready to come back, and Adam even promised to talk to Eli's classmates and get some notes for him to use.

It was real this time.

Everything was just going to _keep happening_.

And as he laid there, in that cold, uncomfortable hospital bed, Eli wondered if he would spend the rest of his life wishing he'd locked that god damn bathroom door.


End file.
